The Latest Hollywood Films Based On Names of Various Scented Candles

Once again, the four major film studios in Tinseltown raid the nearby Walgreens shelves for some or ANY ideas for a new script. Here are the latest offerings:

"Tranquil Retreat," starring Tommy Lee Jones and Amber Heard

A retired Army general reconnects with his estranged daughter when forced to move in with her at her lake home. Also starring Stephen Dorff as a misguided staff sergeant.

"Just Picked," starring Kristen Bell, Adrien Brody, and Zach Braff. The wacky, unpredictable single lives of some freelance wine pickers in Sonoma Valley during the height of picking season. The parties, the triumphs, the heartbreak of a ruined crop- this is the side of wine picking that you never get to see.

"Vanilla Celebration," starring Mark Wahlberg, Paul Reubens, Alan Cumming, Seth Rogan, Colin Firth, James Franco, Helena Bonham Carter, Amy Adams, Jeremy Renner, and Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

A shitload of white people throw a party. The cops do not come and knock on their door about the noise.

"Home Linens" starring Bruce Dern, Danny Devito, Jeff Bridges and Steven Seagal. From the makers of "Nebraska," this movie follows the story of a bedridden retired ad copywriter who shat his bed and must rely on his three poker buddies who are coming in two hours to help clean this shit up.

"Grandma's Kitchen," starring Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry.

No plot summary given.

"Day's End," starring Willem Dafoe, Cameron Diaz, and Robert Englund.

A post-apocalyptic story about a humble toll collector (Willem Dafoe) who becomes the leader of a small group of survivors to battle the dreaded mutant zombie army (led by Englund). Soundtrack by Hans Zimmer.

"Indigo Nights," starring Vanessa Hudgens, Lou Diamond Phillips, and Zac Efron.

A bangin' Vegas casino nightclub Indigo, run by an evil mob boss/drug kingpin (Phillips) gets taken down by a crafty, tech-savvy waitress (Hudgens) and a blackjack dealer (Efron). It's "Oceans 11" meets "High School Musical."

"'Sweet Pea,' based on 'Precious,' based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire,' starring Gabourey Sidibe and Jesse Eisenberg.

This behind-the-scenes fake-documentary of the making-of the 2010 movie "Precious" documents all the table reads, concept meetings, and budget catch-ups that the filmmaker's underwent. Sounds horrible.

"Autumn Evenings" is actually not a new movie script, but a new branded Massengill douche scent to tie in with the upcoming "Night At The Museum: Secret of the Tomb," coming December 19.

6 Lies Told By The Keansburg Amusement Park and Runaway Rapids Family Waterpark Brochure

 

1) Rapids are actually not "runaway" at all, but flow safely and predictably into the Lily Pad Pool.

2) "Birthday Parties are our specialty." No, their specialty is actually defensible network analysis and in-depth statistics on how business data services are used by global enterprises, but they also do birthday parties.

3) Keansburg Amusement Park was the only section featured in New Jersey Magazine's annual "Best of Jersey." The Keansburg Runaway Rapids Waterpark was featured in "Girls And Corpses."

 

4) "Keansburg Amusement Park is filled with dozens of exciting rides..." At last count, there were 23 exciting rides, which doesn't technically qualify as "dozens." The only other ride that can be considered exciting is the main high pressure pump room, if you break in and sit on the primary piston.

5) That one kid is actually a fiberglass sculpture of former Clinton political advisor George Stephanapoulos.

6) "From french fries to fresh baked pizza, jumbo hot dogs, freshly made hamburgers, homemade waffles with ice cream or warm funnel cakes, everyone will find something they love." 

New York City. The Most Exciting City On Earth

Pictured below, some guy on the train tries to find the end of some thread on a spool.

Lending a bit of class to the whole proceedings.

Noel Threads the Needle with an ice dancer's grace and follow through.

Another Threading the Needle aborted.

Ryan almost steps up, but an obstacle way more formidable than a table is in place.

Suzie and Ranee refuse to Thread the Needle.

Because there's a meeting in there. Pussies.

Jessica Threads the Needle

As promised, here is a video of Jessica showing how to cut through the Planners' Ghetto to get to the bathroom.

Emily Threads the Needle

Emily has a more presentational style.

***Planner Ghetto Update***

After consulting with expert trackers and Navy Seal recon teams, EADJ has found way to navigate around the planners' obstacles and successfully reach the bathroom. This particular maneuver is called "Threading the Needle."

COMING MONDAY: An actual video of Jessica Foster demonstrating "Threading the Needle."