Highlights From The Upcoming VidCon

Next month's VidCon is the place to be for content creators, content creator fans, and deluded fans who think they are content creators. Here are some of the featured guests this time:

• Zach King appears and magically steals everyone's wallet

• That dipshit who records videos in their car speaks about content quality

• Special musical performance by Talentless Zer & His Irritating Otamatone

• Black Elon Musk will speak about Black Twitter

• Vine guy Thomas Sanders will whip out his Stewie Griffin impression for the 3,987,453th time.

Your Timesheets For This Week

TO: ALL RECIPIENTS, BOSTON OFFICE

FROM: AUTOMATIC TIMESHEET MAILBOT

BEGINNING AUTOMATED MESSAGE:::

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WASSUP BITCHES

TIME TO FILL OUT YOUR TIMESHEETS BEFORE THE WEEK IS OVER. PLEASE REFER TO THE ENCLOSED .XLT FILE FOR THE RELEVANT JOB NUMBERS FOR WHATEVER ASSIGNMENT YOU'RE WORKING ON

FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN AUTOMATIC TERMINATION. J/K I GOT YOU FOR A SECOND THERE LOL. I BET I HAD YOU GOING, JAMIEL.

ANYWHO, HERE ARE YOUR JOB NUMBERS:

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53964: Making love out of nothing at all

93550: Stopping short of a full Presidential endorsement

61632: Reporting to the Better Business Bureau that the massage parlor didn't give you "full release"

39399: Tweeting your fucking lunch

09009: Instagramming your fucking lunch

29282: Facebooking your fucking lunch

22194: Finally eating your fucking lunch

07353: Tripping a little and walking it off like you were picking up the pace

22186: Creating an infographic of Kevin James' entire filmography

20459: Challenging Joyce to a M*A*S*H trivia contest

56100: Jerking off to that hot older woman on "Shark Tank"

86651: Really regretting making that taco joke to that Mexican guy in accounting

At The Office, Just Because Someone Says There's Food In The Kitchen Doesn't Mean It's Good

At least it's no meat?

And What You Joel Is What You Dick

Luggage!

Joel went luggage shopping today at TravelPro in Santa Monica, hoping to find a light roller for his weekend dick-eating jaunts up the PCH.

He liked a blue medium upright, but the pockets were too shallow, and the wheels, although they did swivel in all directions, didn't have a brake mechanism (This second feature is important to Joel when he eats dick while waiting at a cab stand).

A silver hardside roller caught his eye, but the awkward handle and the $300 price tag weren't to his liking. Also, the compartments were too small to carry all his dick-eating paraphernalia and equipment.

Joel finally settled on a beige Walkabout Lite. It had a nice garment-hanging handle, two deep pockets for both weed and dick, and the expandable front flap sealed the deal. Joel could barely contain his erection as he skipped with the roller to his convertible Rabbit. His chimp servant seemed to enjoy the ride as well. On his erection.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu gets paid by pirating some holistic medicine booklet horseshit )

**SUZEMILY THEATRE UPDATE** Thanks to the persistent urgings of fans like Phil Flicklicker, both charter members of the Suzemily Theatre Players have agreed to return to the stage on Friday. The duo were seen rehearsing a scene from Grey's Anatomy earlier Wednesday by the Foursquare Court in the Creative Department Annex. Ticketmaster will open the box office at 7am tomorrow. Tickets start at $8 plus an $89 convenience charge.

EADJ: And the Meat Goes On

To those of you who are wondering why we don't post photos of Joel actually eating dick:

Dear people who are wondering why we don't post photos of Joel actually eating dick. There are legal issues involved in posting such photos on blogspot.com. We have been asked to respect both Joel's privacy and that of whoever owns all those dicks. Plus, our dick scanner broke.

(pictured above, Joe Baran reminisces of when Bill Dow and Joel shared a drink and he was nowhere around)