Happy New Year From Eat A Dick Joel!

Gamepad Terrier is looking forward to a year where he can possibly maybe meet with friends again!

Charging Cord says good riddance to a miserable 2020.

Pastry Box has gotten sloppy drunk already. BRING ON 2021!1!!!

Introducing EADJ Premium!

After 8 years of blogging, Eat A Dick Joel is proud to announce EADJ Premium, a pay-for-content subscription service that gives you more of what you don't want at prices beyond your means!

Upgrade to EADJ Premium now, and for only $24.99 a month, you'll receive exclusive digital-only content like Racist Appliances That Weren't Really That Racist and Tianna: Where Is She Now? And upgrade even more to our EADJ Platinum Premium for an exclusive video tour of every single toilet we shat in for our "Which Can, Erickson?" segments.

Only EADJ Premium gives you exclusive, on demand, close captioned content that streams directly to your smart device from the cloud. Did that sentence make any sense? Fuck you.

So start your subscription to EADJ Premium today, and we'll throw in a permanent contributor status to our sister blog, High Maintenance Imaginary Girlfriend, which was last updated July 2009!

Curious.

Reaction-O-Rama, The Beginning

I show J'Net 2 Girls 1 Cup back in November. Remarkably, she watches the whole thing.

This (uh) Is (uh, yeah) the (uh, uh) Remix.

remixed by Diddy at Bad Boy Productions. An EADJ exclusive.

Wedding Tips with Jessica Foster

Jessica dispenses some nuptial words of advice while tucking her hands in her sleeves because she doesn't have enough body fat to keep herself warm.

Separated Afterbirth?

**UPDATE**

The Pedway Guide article refers to her as MS. Sue McCloskey. So if she did have the hottie chick as a daughter, it would have been as a single mother. No wonder that girl's so clingy.

Hey Minus!

(pictured above, Suz and Emily show their enthusiasm for a good grade given by a trade mag to an ad agency that they work at)

How To Make Larry Look Black.

(pictured above, Larry overhears a conversation about Pat Boone and teeth whiteners)

Tianna caught in another scandal

Just when you thought Tianna had faded from the headlines, a new scandal has broken that will not only rock her fanbase but put her entire career in jeopardy.

Former Penthouse Magazine publisher Bob Guccione has leaked some sexually graphic photos of Tianna from 1988. Guccione held a press conference from his Manhattan mansion, announcing that a full spread of Tianna will be published in the July issue of Penthouse. Guccione has denied that the photos are forgeries.

Tianna's publicist Sue McCloskey issued a severe condemnation of Guccione's decision.

"Tianna is devastated," McCloskey read from a press release, "Her family and close friends are deeply hurt by the release of these unfortunate photos."

She continued: "Every day we make choices that define us, choices of how we energize our body, nourish our mind and delight our soul. Every day is an opportunity to literally rebuild ourselves from the inside out, to boldy shape our own beauty."

Asked if Tianna plans to sue, McCloskey said "It is a physiological truth."

Meanwhile, Tianna has refused to leave her 30-acre compound. She has reportedly shaved her head and has been chewing on baby carrots for days. She has also been seen cleaning her extremely fluffy paws.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Emily Kane was complaining that she deserves credit for discovering Tianna back in February. Now she's not so sure she wants it.

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

With his 49th birthday fast approaching, Brad Harvey recently started thinking about his mortality. So with the help of a phalanx of lawyers, Brad wrote his last will and testament. EADJ was fortunate to get their hands on the actual document:

I, Brad Unicef Harvey, being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath the following:

To Ryan, my undying partner and friend, I leave both packets of ramen noodles in my cupboard.

To Todd, I leave a bottlecap that I've pinched so it's in the shape of a football.

To my friends at Reckless Records, I leave my automatic pencil. It's all out of lead, so you have to buy a refill at Office Depot. But first you should doublecheck to make sure that the lead is the right size for the pencil. I made that mistake once, and they were kind of dicks about me returning it after I opened it. I don't see what the big deal is, because all of the lead was still in there. They never even checked. Sometimes they're really unhelpful over there. Especially that guy Keith.

To Marshall, I leave an opened container of some pencil lead that I have no use for and couldn't return at Office Depot.

To Tom Lichtenheld, I leave my Listerine breath strip container that has a penny in it.

To Phil Flickinger, I leave all rights to the use of the phrase "Boo Ya!"

To BooBoo the Skizz, I leave my orthotic insole. I only had one, man, so just be thankful.

My Executor shall be authorized to carry out all provisions of this Will and pay my just debts, obligations and funeral expenses.

(pictured above, a sample of the Brad Harvey estate)

"In The Nude," Part 2 of an ongoing series

(The following is the second entry of a new occasional series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

"Avalanches Blow"

Avalanches: The Very Loud Killer… The Distinctly Audible Killer… okay… The Ridiculously Loud Killer. Screaming is often met with the unspeakable experience of withstanding the wrath of the mountains. As scary as such an occurrence may be, screaming at the horrific sight will only inspire more deadly, snow covered, carnage to rain upon your otherwise totally awesome Spring Break party weekend with totally hot babes skiing in two pieces for apparently no reason, and you’ve got to out-ski the opposing camp for rule of the slopes!

Avalanches have claimed 484 fatalities upon the American populous since 1985, these natural disasters are not to be confused with the recording artist ‘The Avalanches’ (note the ‘s’ denoting plural). These guys are totally decent musicians, if you like that sort of thing.

Now come on, 484 fatalities is nothing. 484!? Please. I’ve racked up at least 539 on Mortal Kombat. Granted those are compounded numbers following the entirety of the video game series, and greatly serve as evidence of an otherwise unfulfilling childhood. But nonetheless those numbers still impress. What is even more is that Mortal Kombat SUCKED! I mean seriously, why would you play a 2D fighting game where you have to press a stupid button to block? Really!?

Street Fighter was a WAAAAY better series, that kicked as much ass as Blanka beating the crap out of Chun-Li (I remember her being a lot hotter)

No stupid buttons for blocking in this game, just hold the back direction. The game series was also a whole lot better than that stupid movie, which will unfortunately stand forever as the last work of totally decent actor Raul Julia.

In short, Avalanches may SEEM big and scary, but don’t fret too much. I’m really good at video games and Avalanches don’t scare me a lick.

Catch y’all on the flip! –Joe Nudelman

Irony? You're sitting on it!

(pictured above, Andrew wonders why he didn't get a $1000 raise)

No comment.

***Planner Ghetto Update***

After consulting with expert trackers and Navy Seal recon teams, EADJ has found way to navigate around the planners' obstacles and successfully reach the bathroom. This particular maneuver is called "Threading the Needle."

COMING MONDAY: An actual video of Jessica Foster demonstrating "Threading the Needle."

Flossin'

(pictured above, Vince backs that thing up)

ROBBERY!!!!

ACWORTH, Georgia (AP) -- Georgia authorities Wednesday were searching for three young females, possibly teenagers, who robbed a supermarket bank branch, laughing as they held up a teller with nothing but sunglasses to disguise their faces.

The three handed a Bank of America branch teller a note demanding cash, smiled as they waited and then walked (some say hopped) out with stolen money Tuesday, police said. One of them was cleaning their extremely fluffy paws.

It wasn't clear if they had a weapon, police said.

Their images, captured on bank surveillance video during the 12:15 p.m. robbery Tuesday, were released by police and already had led to several tips, Cobb County police spokesman officer Wayne Delk said.

Authorities have not said how much money was taken, but Delk said it is "considerable." Also, several baby carrots and a head of lettuce was taken from the produce section of the supermarket. The baby carrots were paid for.

Happy Birthday, Dean!

(pictured above, to help celebrate Dean's birthday yesterday, two renditions of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson have sex on Dean's shoulder)

The Suzemily Players, Act III?

(Editor's note: One of the regular Suzemily Players is out of town, so her understudy Emily Kane is filling in. This does not necessarily constitute Suzemily quorum. More on that later.)

This is where body text usually goes.

(pictured above, the Suzemily Players* perform a scene from American Idol)

*Up for debate

Vince was right

(pictured to the left, only 3 days later, Marshall's OLD BALLS)