UAG

What Your School Picture Green Screen Background Choice Says About You

It's picture time at school again. And this year, for only $5, you can digitally add a beautiful and exciting background to your school portrait! Failing that, you can choose one of these five. Here's what these background choices say about you as a person:

A) Greenery and concrete: You will do so poorly in school that you'll end up living under a bridge near the woods.

B) Vegas strip lights: Your future job: prostitute

C) Hazy woods: They will never find your body no matter how many times they comb the area.

D) Purple blurry background: Someone slipped you a mickey and your friends left already.

E) Boring, safe painted background: You are boring.

The Amazing "Lazaretto" Ultra LP

On June 6, Jack White & Third Man Records unveiled the "Lazaretto" ULTRA LP, which is a vinyl record with a ton of amazing innovations:

• 180 gram vinyl
• 2 vinyl-only hidden tracks hidden beneath the center labels
• 1 hidden track plays at 78 RPM, one plays at 45 RPM, making this a 3-speed record
• Side A plays from the outside in
• Dual-groove technology: plays an electric or acoustic intro for “Just One Drink” depending on where needle is dropped. The grooves meet for the body of the song.
• Matte finish on Side B, giving the appearance of an un-played 78 RPM record
• Both sides end with locked grooves
• Vinyl pressed in seldom-used "flat-edged" format
• Dead wax area on Side A contains a hand-etched hologram by Tristan Duke of Infinity Light Science, the first of its kind on a vinyl record
• Absolutely zero compression used during recording, mixing and mastering
• Different running order from the CD/digital version
• LP utilizes some mixes different from those used on CD and digital version

Video here:


And a mere 5 days after the release, even more secrets of the "Lazaretto" ULTRA LP have been discovered/announced:

• Listeners have reported that playing the track "Temporary Ground" makes all dogs who hear it ejaculate
• The record has "anti-scratch" technology, meaning that any DJ who tries to scratch it on their turntable breaks out in hives and terrorizing visions
• Record sleeve doubles as a taco shell
• Cover artwork is printed with special narcotic ink that can be distilled and shot directly into one's veins
• A separate LP can be purchased featuring the drum track recorded by Meg White and is surprisingly more listenable
• Can be hung from the ceiling as a beautiful but ineffective dreamcatcher
• Is 4" wider than a regular LP, forcing you to buy a new bookcase, goddammit all
• Actual pieces of wreckage from the RMS Lusitania are embedded inside each vinyl record. Collect all 400,000 copies of "Lazaretto" to rebuild the legendary ship yourself!
• Playing the album 100 times will summon Jack White to your house, where he'll brag and say douchey things about other musicians before doing a live set in your living room, caterwauling and pretending that he invented the blues.

The Lyrics To "Rude Boy" by Rihanna Explained As If It Weren't Talking About Anything Dirty

Come here, rude boy, boy; can you get it up?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: A boy who previously had been rude to Rihanna has been invited back to make amends by helping her raise a flag.

Come here rude boy, boy; is you big enough?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna wonders aloud if the rope to the flag is too tall for him to reach.

Take it, take it baby, baby
Take it, take it; love me, love me
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although she still considers the boy a "baby," he harbors a deep affection for her.

Tonight I'ma let you be the captain
Tonight I'ma let you do your thing, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: It turns out, the boy was helping Rihanna raise the flag to her boat. She has invited the boy to a nighttime trip, and has even offered to let the boy steer the boat (supervised, of course).

Tonight I'ma let you be a rider
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up babe
Tonight I'ma let it be fire
Tonight I'ma let you take me higher
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Surprise! Rihanna and the boy have sailed to Chincoteague Island, Virginia, a famous resort island known for its wild pony rides and supervised camping with bonfires. "Higher" refers to the many birding activities at the Chincoteague National Wildlife Refuge.

Tonight, baby, we could get it on, yeah, we could get it on, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Here, Rihanna has asked the boy's help getting a protective plastic tarp back on the boat.

Do you like it?
Boy, I want, want, want whatchu want, want, want
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: So many activities!

Give it to me, baby like boom, boom, boom
What I want, want, want is what you want, want, want
Nah nah-ah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although frowned upon by the National Park Service, many campers on the island light firecrackers.

I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking, no, no
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: ...Uh... tickle fights?

I like when you tell me 'kiss you there'
I like when you tell me 'move it there'
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: The boy brought some "kissing dolls" and a chess board with him. Such a good time!

So giddy-up; time to get it up:
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: They ride ponies back to the boat and raise the sail again.

you say you a rude boy: show me what you got now
Come here right now
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna accuses the boy of stealing something from her boat and demands to see what he has behind his back. And this night was going so well!

I've Never Hated An Object So Much In My Life.

Spotted at a Pottery Barn Kids in an upscale mall: a nonworking Dyson® vacuum that retails for $129.99. Really.


It's a Dyson, so the parents will assume it's quality because of the price and will teach their kids to be blindly faithful to brand names. And it's pink, so you know it's supposed to be for girls. Because women do all the cleaning. Well, the Mexican ones do.


If I ever won the lottery, I'd buy up all of these wretched pieces of shit and smash them under the weight of my angry balls.

In Search Of The Gravy Master

So that convenience store in my town is somehow still in business, and earlier this morning I spotted a new sign in the window:


Gravy Master?! What the fuck is that? Whatever it is, it's only $2.99. I started wondering what the hell a Gravy Master is and didn't want to spoil it by Googling it or "Binging" it. Here are some theories:

• Gravy Master is a rare collectible action figure from the Masters Of The Universe collection. A villain who often teams up with Skeletor to vanquish He-Man, Gravy Master uses his power over molten gravy to drown his enemies in a delicious, meat-based goo.


• Gravy Master was the less-profitable exercise product released by Suzanne Somers in 1987 in an attempt to build off the success of her Thighmaster. It was aimed at overeaters who want to firm their thighs but still be able to enjoy the savory taste of gravy. It sold only 8 units nationwide and now sells for $2.99.


• A "gravy master" is a new backyard wrestling move that involves suddenly dumping fourteen gallons of gravy onto the mat, then rubbing your opponent's belly until he farts. The Insane Clown Posse has released fourteen songs and an EP about this move.


• When a storm front– usually involving a thunderstorm– encounters a sudden pocket of cool air, forcing the nearby clouds to dip down due to a sudden loss of moisture, that weather phenomenon is known as a "gravy master."


So, only later after I wrote these four theories did I reexamine the photo of the convenience store, and the answer to the riddle was right there.


Gravy facepalm!

By the way, DON'T do a Google Image search for "gravy" with the Safesearch option off. Shudder

GETTING SURPRISED WHILE CLEANING!

GETTING SURPRISED WHILE CLEANING!


GETTING SURPRISED WHILE CLEANING!
GETTING SURPRISED WHILE CLEANING!


GETTING SURPRISED WHILE CLEANING!

Exciting Video Segment

My Mom & Dad clean the blinds at their house:

And What You Joel Is What You Dick

Luggage!

Joel went luggage shopping today at TravelPro in Santa Monica, hoping to find a light roller for his weekend dick-eating jaunts up the PCH.

He liked a blue medium upright, but the pockets were too shallow, and the wheels, although they did swivel in all directions, didn't have a brake mechanism (This second feature is important to Joel when he eats dick while waiting at a cab stand).

A silver hardside roller caught his eye, but the awkward handle and the $300 price tag weren't to his liking. Also, the compartments were too small to carry all his dick-eating paraphernalia and equipment.

Joel finally settled on a beige Walkabout Lite. It had a nice garment-hanging handle, two deep pockets for both weed and dick, and the expandable front flap sealed the deal. Joel could barely contain his erection as he skipped with the roller to his convertible Rabbit. His chimp servant seemed to enjoy the ride as well. On his erection.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu gets paid by pirating some holistic medicine booklet horseshit )

**SUZEMILY THEATRE UPDATE** Thanks to the persistent urgings of fans like Phil Flicklicker, both charter members of the Suzemily Theatre Players have agreed to return to the stage on Friday. The duo were seen rehearsing a scene from Grey's Anatomy earlier Wednesday by the Foursquare Court in the Creative Department Annex. Ticketmaster will open the box office at 7am tomorrow. Tickets start at $8 plus an $89 convenience charge.