Here Are A Few More Available But Horrible Porn Names

Great job, rookie, on deciding to join the porn film industry. But before you go before the cameras, you're going to have a porn name. So if you can't think of anything that hasn't been taken already, here are a few spare porn handles that no one has claimed yet. Help yourself:

Him

Baron Wasteland

8,477.646882

Commando Shorty

Uri-table Bowelsyndrome

Chef Boyareyouhung

Manboob Incel

Her

Suckagawea

Miyuzi Wazaton

Slut N. Pepper

Captcha Password

Gillian Seabass

Jenn O. Cide

Some New Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership (Coronavirus Update)

Actually, nothing new. The movies are closed. Stay home, idiot.

EADJ Entertainment News Exclusive: Robin Thicke

It's probably no secret now that R&B singer Robin Thicke has parted ways with his wife Paula Patton and has VERY PUBLICLY apologized to her in the form of a concept album entitled "Paula."

With his head bowed in penance on the album cover, and with song titles like "Get Her Back," "Still Madly Crazy," "Love Can Grow Back," and "Jesus Christ, Woman, How Many Times (Do I Have To Apologize)?" Robin Thicke bares his soul and actually gets some pretty good material out of his situation.

One can only wonder what kind of material Thicke would have worked with if they hadn't split…

Here's the latest song off the album, "Get Her Back:"

6 Lies Told In The Liberty Village Premium Outlets Back-To-School & Fall Preview Sale Brochure

1. The joyful affection between little girl and the young woman is faked.

2. They're not related. The young, thin woman has obviously never even given birth before.

3. The little girl is not actually a ballerina.

4. Not actually open from 10am to 6pm on Sunday. About around 5:45pm, Judy starts locking up the DSW entrance and declares that the mall is closed. Judy is usually in a hurry to get home to watch HBO's "Veep," starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

5. It's actually hard to "Shop Brilliantly" when stores like Sunglass Hut and Orange Julius are being run by kids who barely graduated high school.

6. If you follow Church Street to the end, you wind up in an old cotton field with a scarecrow in a turtleneck and overalls.

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, drill that last rivet, and I think we're done."

"No, wait, Gordy. Don't come down yet."

"What's the matter? The pharmacy sign is up, and it's level! So, brewskies!"

"Nope. It's not centered now."

"What?! I measured the distance from the letters to the outlines. That thing is centered, Kevin."

"Yes, the letters are, but that gray bar they're on is sticking out the right side. It looks stupid."

"You're stupid."

"Hey, wait a minute. I've got an idea. We still have those extra letters in the truck that say 'Dept.,' so let's fill the rest of that space with those letters! It can say 'Pharmacy Dept.!'"

"That's brilliant, Kevin! Wait. Does that even make any sense?"

"Brewskies!"

Signage Is Everything

Spotted at K-Mart this morning. I want Bud Light a lot more than Coors Light, for some reason.

*Sigh*

The Pussiest Beer EVAR.

Me and Tom went to Virgil's on West 44th last week for some barbecue. I wanted to wash it down with some beer, so I aksed the waitress for a recommend.

Red flag #1: It was from Belgium. And named "Framboise."

Red flag #2: The waitress said, "That's my FAVORITE beer!"

Red flag #3: Then she said, "And I don't even DRINK beer!"

Pink flag #4: Raspberry was the first listed ingredient.

So the thing comes served with a champagne glass. The waitress shrugged and said that's how it comes. Then the thing is pink and tastes like My Pretty Pony's piss. Tom's laughing the whole time, and I chug the whole thing to at least squeeze a buzz out of it.

But the barbecue was good.

The Suzemily Players, Act III?

(Editor's note: One of the regular Suzemily Players is out of town, so her understudy Emily Kane is filling in. This does not necessarily constitute Suzemily quorum. More on that later.)

This is where body text usually goes.

(pictured above, the Suzemily Players* perform a scene from American Idol)

*Up for debate