Some Year-End Benefits For AMC Stubs Rewards Members

AMC is making moviegoing fun for the end of 2018! Here are the latest perks and pluses you can look forward to as a holder of the AMC Stubs Rewards card!

• Free 14" popcorn ball for adults

• Free refill of nasty vanilla Diet Coke

• A free pre-worn pair of velvet Stubs slippers for your feet that you'll have to return once you've finished the movie. You can't keep them.

• Free fart quilt

• Special pair of 5D glasses that let you see every frame of the movie at once from all angles

• A nice, special seat to park that fine ass of yours– whooooo girl

• Free collabo track with either Pitbull or Sia (your choice)

• Special headset for the attention-span-impaired that yells the plot of the movie in your ears

• Cabbage

• Free endangered giraffe semen for virility and energy (China AMCs only)

• If you're too tired to drive home after the movie, we will FedEx you

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight: Two-Fer

From the YouTube page featuring John Lennon's video for "Imagine," a comment by 22-year old pumpernickles13:

"this song is beautiful because he is describing heaven."


and one from the more articulate johnrobinsonh:

"What are we really supposed to "imagine"? That the world will live as one?
Do you have any idea how many people in the world there are?
There are over 240,000.000 people living in Indonesia - the most populist Muslim country.
Should we imagine that all 240 million Muslims in Indonesia should be welcomed to live as one in Manhattan with John and Yoko and we're supposed to imagine there are no religions and all these folks are going to live in peace with us?
What %*#$(%# idiots!"

Let's Bedazzle the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by J'Net, a very Leno-like caption in page 21 of the New Jersey Star-Ledger Home Finder:





"Am I right, Kevin?"

This is usually where I turn it to Letterman.

R.I.P. "Disney DVD"

During the heyday of the regular DVD, Disney saw fit to brand their DVDs as "Disney DVDs," as if theirs were somehow more special. And titles like Little Mermaid or Pocahontas be available for a limited time then would "go back in the Disney vault," thereby depriving a couple of younger siblings the joy of watching a universally loved classic. Faced!



But I guess they cut that shit out once the Blu Ray/HD DVD wars flared up. Maybe some "Imagineeer" was too lazy to comp up Disney Blu Ray and Disney HD DVD logos? And even after the dust settled, and Blu Ray prevailed, Disney's new format releases no longer display an obnoxious proprietary logo. The company is still up to their "Disney vault" marketing hijinks, so parents will have to shell out $75 on eBay if they want their youngest to enjoy Beauty and the Beast.

An Imagined Conversation.

"So Carl and Georgina, this will be the cover for our Christmas catalog."
"I like it!"
"Maybe I'm out of it, Georgina, but I don't get it. 'Give fleece a chance?'"
"Yes. It's kind of a take on the song 'Give Peace a Chance,' Carl."
"Oohhhhh."
"Plus it features our fleece line, which is what you wanted."
"But what does that Beatles song have to do with Christmas?"
"Holidays Carl. We just say holidays now. And it wasn't the Beatles, although McCartney and Lennon wrote it. When it was first released by the Plastic Ono Band in '69 before..."
"Plastic who?"
"Never mind. It's a play on the word 'peace,' which is a big theme during Christma... uh, holidays. Peace On Earth and all that."
"So why isn't the snowman doing a peace sign, then?"
"We didn't want to offend our conservative customers by making a 'hippie' symbol."
"What is that symbol then? Is that a 'shocker?'"
"What is a shocker?"
"Something my son picked up at school. Said it was dirty."
"No, I'm pretty sure it's either 'I love you' in sign language or 'hang loose' in Hawaiian."
"Okay, whatever. Just print it. But make sure you Photoshop the carrot to be smaller– we don't want to be labeled anti-Semitic during the Christmas holidays."
"Okay, Carl."

Getting Famouser!

If ever there were a good time to be Joel, that time would be now.

Sony Music has asked Joel to write the liner notes for Fantasia Barrino's next album.

"The, ah, styre. And, ah, the humol which Joer uses in his writing has made him perfect candidate," said Sony's stereotypical Japanese and sometimes Chinese spokesman Takeshi Xiu, "We rike velly much Joer's writing in Wicked Wicked Games. Big Happy Fun Time Explosion!"

In addition to the Fantasia liner notes, Joel has also been asked to write a fax spam sheet and a sign for one of the broken copy machines.

"I'm thinking either 'COPIER DOWN' or 'OUT OF ORDER– PLEASE USE THE ONE ON THE 14TH FLOOR.'" said a clearly psyched Joel, on the assignment.

When asked about Joel's extracurricular activities of eating massive amounts of dick, Xiu had this to say:

"Why you think we hire him? We want our dick eated too!"

Then everyone at the press conference had a long, hearty laugh that froze when the credits started rolling.

(pictured above, will.i.am, apl.de.ap, Taboo, and Fergie say 'Fuck it.' And the inevitable fallout by the hipster crowd ensues)