6 Lies Told By The San Francisco Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum Brochure

1) The dance room isn't actually interactive. The stupid lights will blink and flash whether you dance or not. A ripoff, really.

2) Not the weirdest place on the Wharf. The weirdest place on the Wharf is actually a section of sidewalk where some guy hiding as a bush scares the shit out of tourists and then asks for change.

3) "Tattoos cover 95% of my body!" Not true. I dated her, and it's a mere 93%. I measured it.

4) "Made entirely of CAR PARTS." False. There are clearly minivan, delivery truck, and hybrid crossover parts in there.

5) Times up. You're too old to breakdance.

6) "Odditorium, San Francisco." Redundant.

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Bath & Body Works and Six Lies LLC are proud to announce the official 6 Lies Told aloe vera facial youth cream, now available in all Bath & Body Works locations, except Idaho. Restore firmness, heal sun damage, increase hydration, erase wrinkles, smooth texture, nourish at the dermal layer, minimize irritation, increase skin brightness and even out skin tone. Everything that you ever wanted in an anti aging wrinkle treatment daily moisture product has been added at maximum percentage for guaranteed potency, purity, efficacy, and profound results. And that's no "lie!"

6 Lies Told By The Dutch Wonderland Brochure

1) "Duke's Lagoon: Water Play Area" - Maybe I'm ruined by the Internet, but that sounds like both shit and piss.

2) Dinosaurs Come to Life on Exploration Island" - The dinosaur necromancer doesn't bring the dinosaurs to full life, per se. He actually temporarily animates the long dead corpses of the dinosaurs for children's amusement but mercifully allows them to rest once the kids leave.

3) This illustration is exaggerated. There are actually only two gondolas in the sky ride.

4) Take your picture with all your favorite non-Disney characters like Prince Pleasant, Princess Belle Cinderhontas, or The Big Wizzer.

5) Duke has a fake ID and will buy your teenage and tween kids beers. Just be cool about it.

6) There's nothing children at a theme park love more than sitting still in a cabana.

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Hardee's and Carl's Jr. are proud to announce 6 Fries Bold, a limited menu item that combines spicy seasoned french fries with unrelenting falsehoods that come in half dozens. The fries will come in both Large and Extra Large cone sizes, and will sell for $3.99/$4.99, respectively.

Six Lies Told By the Pocono Candle Brochure

1) Their "Man Cave" isn't really a cave. It's just a room filled with action figures, video games, sports paraphernalia, pornography, a mini-fridge filled with import beer and a staggering library of scifi Blu-ray DVDs.

2) The only businesses on this "business route" are prostitution and the illicit sale of wine in jars.

3) "Double scented" means it smells like ass and Macintosh Apple.

4) It turns someone named "Lowest Prices" never said this. "Lowest Prices" would say something like "lowest prices."

5) That QR code actually points you here.

6) The map is wrong. Instead of to New Jersey, Route 80 South will take you into the darkest depths of Mordor, where you'll meet a girl so fair. But Gollum, and the evil one will creep up and slip away with her, her, her…

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EADJ is happy to announce the Six Lies After School Program, a community-based initiative that focuses on teenage athletics and abstinence from sex until you're 40. Dubbed "6LAS," this tubular peer counseling program tells young people it's okay to not stick the thingy in the woo-woo. 6LAS will launch the "OK 2 W8" program in September this year to coincide with Back To School.

Six Lies Told By The Falun Gong Brochure

Let me start by saying we are calling this brochure a liar, not the members of the Falun Gong movement. We at EADJ understand the political struggle that its practitioners experience in China, and this entry in no way condones their horrific treatment by the Chinese or Falun Gong's founder Li Hongzhi's controversial views on homosexuality. This is simply a stupid entry by a blog mainly devoted to the consuming of penis by my friend Joel. So, hold your outrage, both of you readers.

1) Forbearance wasn't originally one of Falun Gong's precepts; the original third one was "hoes."

2) Although heavily promoted as such, not every Falun Gong member will receive a Land's End crew neck sweater.

3) "No membership or initiation, no rituals or obligations." Other than BE YOURSELF and HAVE FUN!!!!!!

4) Falun Gong is a nonviolent, peaceful practice, although some members occasionally start fights at the beach with a "You want some a' this?" pose.

5) If you Google Image search "Asian woman" and "Penetrating the Two Extremes," you're not likely to see this photo.

6) This QR Code actually takes you to the Flash game QWOP. Which is awesome.

The Six Lies Told Type Foundry is proud to announce the "Six Lies Told" font, an illegible, shitty throwback to 90's grunge fonts. Use it on your NO FEAR bumper stickers, your Godsmack web ring logo on Geocities, or Rolling Stone print ads for Motorola pagers.

Yogurt Entry

 

Bitches be lovin' some yogurt, but they live very active lifestyles and need to have their yogurt on the go. So companies have bent over backward to provide both efficient yogurt delivery conveyances and developing products that move with bitches' active lifestyles.

 

One product in particular is Go-Gurt by Yoplait. They've taken the squeeziness of a delicious ice cream push-up and have applied it to fermented yogurt cultures! DELISH!

 

But apparently people are slurping it up, because it's been a General Mills bestseller since 1999.

 

The other way yogurt has been made more accessible is by the rise of yogurt trucks (at least in NYC).

Woe is the guy drunk in the middle of the day who stumbles up to what he thinks is a Mister Softee truck and he gets a mouthful of froyo. If he's drunk enough, he might not be able to tell the difference, so it's cool.

Many companies are jumping on this yogurt truck bandwagon. Here now are some nomenclature suggestions should any of these startups need a name:

• Mo' Money, Yo' Toppings

• Humphrey YoGart

• The YoGurt Go-Curt

• Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo, Check It Out

• We Can't Legally Call It Ice Cream

• Barack YObamagurt

• 'Gurt You Yo It's True

• Brogurt (for men only)

• Make It So-gurt- a Star Trek:The Next Generation-themed brand of frozen yogurt

• Yo-Gertrude Stein

•  Perry Ellis Yogurt- the Perry Ellis brand has been out of the spotlight for a while now, and this would be a golden opportunity for Perry Ellis to introduce themselves to a new generation of consumers- in this case, via high quality frozen yogurt.

• AreYOla- topless frozen yogurt van with stripper servers

• EbYOla Virus

• Oy-Gurt- yogurt served by English skinheads. Get 10 yogurts for a free punch in the neck.

• BoGurt- a van where former American Idol star Bo Bice will serve you frozen yogurt. You will not recognize him.

• TU ORGY- an "edgy" version of the frozen yogurt van, brought to you by VICE Magazine. They make fun of your clothes while you order and tell you all about the blood sacrifice ceremony of the shamans on the Indonesian island of Sumba.

• John Fogerty's Yogurty- you got to hidey-hide...

• Tyler Perry's Yogurt- Serves only one flavor. Guess what it is.

Six Lies Told By The Brochure For The Broadway Show "Peter And The Starcatcher"

1. You actually don't have to experience it for yourself if you have a friend with an exceptional gift for storytelling who has seen it.

2. Freddy Mercury is only in this production for a few minutes, and he doesn't even sing.

3. "The most mayhem-filled evening of madcap fun on Broadway" is actually the refunds booth for "Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark."

4. There are only four reasons. Numbers 1 and 5 are the same. They cheated!

5. Calling, going online, and buying tickets are indeed 3 ways to buy, but not "now" if the box office is closed. (3 Ways, 5 Reasons, 6 Lies. This is very confusing.)

6. "It's got more pirates than any show on Broadway." There are actually more guys with video cameras at the AMC Times Square Theatre filming their terrible copies of "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2."

We'd like to know what you think about the "6 Lies Told" series. Visit sixliestoldsurvey.com to fill out a quick survey to tell us what could be improved, and how. Your input counts!

6 Lies Told By The Capital City Segway Tours Brochure

1) Not everyone who takes these tours looks like the fat version of the cast of "The Walking Dead."

2) Old fart in the background not guaranteed to be there.

3) Day & Night does not mean you can ride your Segway past the White House at 4am, because that shit will get you shot.

4) There's nothing WWII veterans like better than dodging youngsters on newfangled hovercraft wheel-thingies on the sidewalks.

5) "Cold drinks for cheap" means we won't rape you as bad as the Smithsonian commissary will. $6 for a bottled water instead of $7.50.

6) This QR code doesn't actually go the to "www.CitySegwayTours.com." Try it. (click to enlarge)

Feedback Forum

Do you enjoy the "6 Lies Told" series? We'd like to hear from you. The "6 Lies Told" series was created by "Cheers" creators Les Charles, Glen Charles, and James Burrows in 1987 and is now an upcoming original movie on the Hallmark Channel starring Stockard Channing as the number 3. The "6 Lies Told" series also lives as a set of commemorative saucers from the Franklin Mint and will soon be limited-run bears at your local Build-A-Bear Workshop.

Let's Trim Around the Lips of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Pictured above, an email received from Liquid CGI, "a NYC boutique provider of Photorealistic 3D Computer-Generated Imagery."

Frightening how far CGI has come, isn't it? It's like I'm in the goddamned Matrix!