UAG

NEW: More Secret Perks of the AMC Stubs Card

Membership to the AMC Stubs Rewards program has its privileges. Here are just a few of the latest new benefits you can have by signing up now:

• We'll bail you out if you ever get arrested. No judgements, no questions asked, m'man.

• Secret handshake with a black member of our staff

• Fine. We will validate your stupid parking

• You can come up to our projection booth and blow Terry

• Free Dustbuster to suck up free candy from the seats

• We will tattoo the title of your favorite Jessica Tandy movie on your chest

• If you fall asleep at any time, we will rewind the movie for you and tell anyone that complains to fuck off

• Knife hands. Yeah, you heard right.

• If you are in an AMC prison, free conjugal visits every month

• We will force the Pokémon Company in Japan to name one after you

6 Lies Told By The Dutch Wonderland Brochure

1) "Duke's Lagoon: Water Play Area" - Maybe I'm ruined by the Internet, but that sounds like both shit and piss.

2) Dinosaurs Come to Life on Exploration Island" - The dinosaur necromancer doesn't bring the dinosaurs to full life, per se. He actually temporarily animates the long dead corpses of the dinosaurs for children's amusement but mercifully allows them to rest once the kids leave.

3) This illustration is exaggerated. There are actually only two gondolas in the sky ride.

4) Take your picture with all your favorite non-Disney characters like Prince Pleasant, Princess Belle Cinderhontas, or The Big Wizzer.

5) Duke has a fake ID and will buy your teenage and tween kids beers. Just be cool about it.

6) There's nothing children at a theme park love more than sitting still in a cabana.

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Hardee's and Carl's Jr. are proud to announce 6 Fries Bold, a limited menu item that combines spicy seasoned french fries with unrelenting falsehoods that come in half dozens. The fries will come in both Large and Extra Large cone sizes, and will sell for $3.99/$4.99, respectively.

Introducing the EADJ Cowardly Subway Fashion Police

Combining the sense of style of a fashionista with the non-confrontational nature of a yellow-bellied coward with a digital camera, EADJ proudly brings you the Cowardly Subway Fashion Police:


"Eww. Like do all B-Boys think that Finish Line or Lids stores will suddenly pay top dollar for used baseball caps if the tags are still on it? Hellooo, you can take the stickers off, cuz nobody wants your head lice, 'kay Scooter?"


"Okay, anybody who's Catholic knows that rosaries aren't worn around the neck. See, that either makes you a dumbass, a douchebag, or Madonna from the late 80's, 'kay?"


"Tinfoil as a book cover isn't really a fashion statement, so I'll just take a pass on this one, please, 'kay?"


"Oy, mai mica! Panty hose OVER an anklet? Ay papi selarón! Qui mami ta buenos tia! Gouge my eyes out with that plastic spoon, 'kay? And then the mandals! Ay ay ay!"

Another Threading the Needle aborted.

Ryan almost steps up, but an obstacle way more formidable than a table is in place.

Suzie and Ranee refuse to Thread the Needle.

Because there's a meeting in there. Pussies.