Let's Drizzle Some Habanera Chipotle Sauce Atop the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Emily Kane via text: 

Amazon link here.

And here's a bonus meme from Emily:

KellyAnne Conway: Spin Doctor Extraordinaire

By now, I think we have all seen the new President's Counselor and spin doctor extraordinaire KellyAnne Conway at work. From her coining the phrase "alternative facts" to the way she deflects questions from "fake news" hosts like Peabody recipient Anderson Cooper, K.A.C. has the ability to dead-eyedly bullshit her way through any horrific lie for any occasion. And this uncanny ability to speak from the heart is all the more impressive when you realize she's actually an empty soulless husk of a person.

And just for fun KellyAnne has recently started representing certain creatures in the animal kingdom to give a voice to those whose side is rarely told in mainstream nature documentaries: 

Snake devouring a mouse

"I think I need to point out here that the mouse is participating, too. The snake is not working in a vacuum, here, Anderson. So don't put 100% of the blame on the snake."

Hyena decapitating a lion

"This is a wonderful example of the underdog taking on the establishment and taking a stand for what they believe in, Anderson! Don't try to twist this any other way."

Lion flaying a buffalo alive

"We've gone over this before, Anderson, and I don't see why you think the lion isn't doing this pathetic buffalo a favor. Why can't you acknowledge the lion's generosity for once on this biased channel?"

Tarantula eating a fish

"I like fish myself, Anderson. I'm not making this as big a deal as you are. You need to get over it."

Caterpillar being eaten by a venus flytrap

"Uh.. pass. Pass."

Shark eating a seal

"Sharks are beautiful, gentle creatures, Anderson. I don't see a shark doing something like this to any seal, quite frankly. I think some liberal blogger (probably a lesbian) doctored this picture on the computer."

Komodo dragon eating a warthog

"Back in Georgia, we have a saying: 'if a komodo dragon is eating your warthog, you let him finish his meal or else he's going to turn on you, and who could blame him since his meal was interrupted by some liberal do-gooder who has nothing better to do than harass hardworking American komodo dragons, Anderson?'"

Octopus eating a crab

"Crabs deserve everything they get, Anderson. They're inferior creatures that just take, take, take. Personally, I want to shake that octopus' tentacles for ridding the earth of one more selfish crab."

Let's Gamble the EADJ Mail Sack's Life Savings Away on Keno!

Submitted by John Reid, a photo that we cannot accept due to the fact that EADJ has retired the whole Curlz MT bit:


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Submitted by Emily Kane via email:

Actual phone conversation had by me and sander earlier today…

Me: we’re eating in the Kriv

Sander: you’re eating the Kriv? like, the Curlz sign?

Me: yeah.

Me: …

Me: i wonder what Curlz MT tastes like.


Sadly, we cannot accept this entry, either.

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Submitted by Jessica, an IM convo between her and Suz:


Here is the EADJ post they're talking about.
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Submitted by Ranee Wu via IM:

Let's punch the EADJ Mail Sack to assert our power over it!

(The following was a CHI ALL email sent by Jessica Foster the other day)

------ Forwarded Message
From: Jessica Foster
Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2007 13:34:49 -0600
To: #CHI_ALL <#CHI_ALL@C-K.com>
Conversation: Missing Fake Chicken
Subject: Missing Fake Chicken

Hello!
I brought an unopened box of MorningStar Veggie Chick Patties to work to EAT all week. They are MIA. If anyone has any leads regarding this tragedy please let me know.

Thanks,
Very Hungry Art Director

"Yes I sent this to chi all," Jessica writes, "Yes I did."

(The following was a response sent by Pat Nathan to Jessica)

From: Pat Nathan
Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2007 14:04:14 -0600
To: Jessica Foster
Conversation: Missing Fake Chicken
Subject: RE: Missing Fake Chicken

I didn't take your veggie patties.

pn

Let's open the folds of the EADJ Mail Sack, exposing the bell-like object at the top of the opening!

The following email was forwarded by Jessica Foster:

------ Forwarded Message
From: Matt Webb
Date: Thu, 4 Oct 2007 13:39:10 -0500
To: #CHI_ALL <#CHI_ALL@C-K.com>
Conversation: ALERT! MISSING SPOON
Subject: ALERT! MISSING SPOON

If you took a real stainless spoon out of the dishwasher in Café Kriv, its mine. Please return it. It came from my home. And the set of silverware that was originally a wedding present for my parents in 1965.

Thank You

mw

------ End of Forwarded Message

Iko Iko Eat a Dick

A furious argument between Joel and his chimp servant resulted in a shutdown of internet access for the entire apartment complex. Mrs. Jannis downstairs complained that she was busy reading plot summaries for "Passions" when it shut down. Jimmy and Duncan in 3A were chatting with whores on the True® dating network. Bryan Dixon was updating his myspace page for the 8,644,301st time, adding some photos of some city in the Czech Republic. I forget which.

Joel and his chimp servant apologized to most of the complex. Except for old Mr. Fischer, who has yet to give Joel back his dick bowl from that potluck dinner.

(pictured above, Emily S rubs her strep ass all over the Café Kriv)

Curlz Gone Wild!

(pictured above, Nikki's snarky joke turns functional.)

NOTE- one of the digits has been blurred to protect from WiFi jackers. That number is 7.

Curlz On Film, three minutes later, Curlz On Film

Poor Joel threw his back out today.

He was eating dick at Cocktrough McGee's on Mulholland, when a fellow patron asked him if he would help carry some takeout dick to his car.

Joel agreed but apparently carried too much of it at one time, ironically forgetting to bend his knees.

Joel will be in traction for 2 weeks and will be forced to enjoy dick through a straw. We at EADJ wish him happy recovery.

(pictured above, a case of the lower case Curliez -also with the annoying tendency to put capital letters in shapes- shows up at a skanky pedicure joint)

A Lame Theft Attempt, Reenacted Lamely

Luzie & Travis show how Lauren totally caught a suspicious dude with his hand in her purse.

Curlz Just Wanna Have Font

PROJECT ROSTER: We took a peek in Joel's itinerary to get a sense of what projects Joel has in the running for this week:

• Eat the dick of Xi Shun, the world's tallest man, so that I can stand up for once.

• Screenplay for Hallmark original movie "Chance Meeting in the Cat Toy Aisle."

• Trim that bush

• TV adaptation for "Spider-Man, the All-Black Wearing, Whiney Emo Phase."

• Lunch with Joe Eszterhas at Women's Symposium

• Eat Daniel Baldwin's dick to MAKE THE COLLECTION COMPLETE

• Toss that "King of Queens" script that will never get produced now, dammit

• Carb up for that big non-carb diet

• Start writing that biopic about Rachael Ray starring Rachael Ray as a thinner Rachael Ray

(pictured above, J'Net discovers another café that uses CURLZ!!!!!)

The More Things Joel, The More Things Eat a Dick.

Joel's collection of Bratz dolls has increased sevenfold.

McDonald's new Happy Meals have seven different Bratz Big Babyz, including "Mermaidz" versions of Cloe, Jade, Sasha, and Yasmin. Add these to Joel's recent eBay score of six mint-in-box Bratz Babyz Ponyz, and you can definitely say that Joel's collection is the finest Bratz collection in all of his apartment complex.

Joel celebrated by cranking his CD of Bratz Rock Angelz on his mini system and eating a huge Spanish dick with salsa, refried beans, and a virgin margarita.

(pictured above, Jessica can barely contain her enthusiasm over the new hanging lights in the Cafe Kriv)

Hey Minus!

(pictured above, Suz and Emily show their enthusiasm for a good grade given by a trade mag to an ad agency that they work at)

Slow down, big guy.

Joel is on vacation, so there's not a ton to report on EADJ.

Except that Joel is planning to go on a 4-day dick eating marathon (pun intended!) in the sunny Florida Keys. Nothing but sun, fun, and huge Florida cock bouncing in the back of Joel's thirsty mouth. Joel has already filled his schedule, so anyone in the Key Largo, Islamorada, Marathon or Big Pine Key area who wants their dicks eaten in a hammock is out of luck. Joel will be staying at the luxurious Sugarloaf Lodge in a poolside villa. Look for the red NO VAGINAS sign on his hut!

(pictured above, some of the C-K expensable meals you can have under $7)

Whoopsy Daisy.

(The following is a cease and desist letter delivered to Joel yesterday afternoon)

Dear Joel Thomas:

It has come to my attention that you have made unauthorized use of my copyrighted likeness. I have reserved all rights to my name and likeness as of January 1997 and have a registered copyright therein. Your work entitled Eat A Dick Joel is essentially identical to my name and clearly used my name as its basis.

I demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works derived from Eat a Dick Joel, and all copies, including electronic copies, of same, that you destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of my rights in the future. If I have not received an affirmative response from you by April 14, 2007 indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, I shall take further action against you and ask for, like, $20 or something.

Very truly yours,
Aida Dikkjöl,
Turnip farmer in Slavic country of Vojvodina

(pictured above, the first casualty of Café Kriv: half of Vince's next paycheck)

(pictured below, Vojvodina)

F.

(pictured above, Matt Webb finds out he doesn't have a Starbucks job to fall back on)