This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

The local theatre production of "Lawrence of Arabia" tried their best with the budget they had.

Two former students harmlessly exact revenge on their alma mater using one bootleg copy of Photoshop and photos of a fireplace fire.

Later, Residence Inn employees were baffled by the baby oil footprints on the 8th floor.

This is actually really well done. No changes!

Mom's curlers + Mom's blue bedsheets + flashlight = GANGSTA MIXTAPE!

We all love the smell of our own farts, don't we?

"School crosswalks LOL!"

There was a mixup at the printer, and they ended up putting the paper *protecting* the artwork on the scanner. Whoopsie!

George would rather wait hours for his party to show up than lose the deposit on his Houston's Steakhouse reservation.

Choose the wrong typeface and you end up on the cover of "The Crap Tribune."

Is There Any Respite From The Unrelenting Lobsterness That Is Lobsterfest® At Red Lobster?!

We're nearing the end of Week 683 of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, but that doesn't mean that there aren't still new fantastic ways to enjoy delicious morsels of lobster at your local Red Lobster! Check out these latest feasting suggestions:

• A woman named Consuela sits next to you in your booth, staring at you like she knows you. Before you know it, she's starting eating your lobster. You get kind of upset, knowing you're paying upwards of $14 for this food, and you shout, "CONSUELA!" in the middle of the restaurant. The other patrons then stare at you and Consuela and assume that you hit her. Why do you hit her? That's a terrific new way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• For special family dining experiences, we've created an entire full day of Lobsterfest-based activities! It all starts in the morning, when you’re encouraged to bring your kids—and your yoga mat—to participating Red Lobster locations, where you’ll be then instructed in a series of lobster-themed yoga poses (be sure to bring towels, as we typically use a rolled up towel to represent a lobster tail!) This is followed by a light lunch of buttered rolls, and we crank up the heat just a little bit, allowing patrons to enjoy the feeling of being lobsters themselves. As the day rolls on, dinner is served, everyone is sweaty, and the room smells of dillweed! In the end,everyone winds up exhausted, but it’s a very happy exhausted. Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Bisque shakes. That's a new, challenging way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• As they enter, male and female diners are divided intoseparate groups. On even numbered days, the men strap plates of lobster to their backs and run around on all fours while the women chase after them with forks and get their fill (don’t worry, the forks are plastic, people!). On odd numbered days, things really heat up: the women are instructed to concoct their most creative lobster headdress. Each woman then proceeds to dance around the grouping of men. The men vote on the most creative design, and everyone gets treated to lobster from the head of a woman! Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• In the interest of transparency and fun times, we set up a special “lobster viewing party” on the third Thursday of every month. Prospective meal eaters can watch a tank of lobsters play fun games like swimming and freeze tag, then choose their favorite lobster from the tank to join them at the table. Not to eat, silly! To befriend! The tables will be well-stocked with all kinds of entertainment activities like board games and portable DVD players. Limit 3 hours per lobster per family. Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• During dinner, the waitstaff forms a circle, yells “toro,” and all of a sudden a bull appears in the middle of the restaurant. The first one to get gored loses. Just another great way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

(Special thanks to Andrew Gall for supplying most of these.)

It's Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

It’s Lobsterfest® again, and this year, Red Lobster's offering more irresistible lobster creations than ever before! Come in and treat yourself to one of our many exclusive Lobsterfest® entrées! Indulge in exclusive lobster creations, and share those lobster recommendations with your lobster-lovin' friends! There are so many ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Try some of these:

• We stuff a hollow dummy with lobster meat. Then we soak its head in grain alcohol and put it behind the wheel of a car on the highway. When the police pull it over to charge it with a DUI, you can pounce on the dummy and start eating the lobster right there! It's just another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send an employee to your house to impregnate you. Nine months later at the hospital, after you've given birth to the baby, when they come in with the birth certificate for you to fill out, we barge in and write "lobster" where the name would go, so your new baby is named "lobster" for life! That's one more way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We firebomb a Chik Fil-A and arrange the debris and rubble to spell "FEST." Then we place a live lobster in a turban in front of the word "FEST." Now that's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We enter you and your parents into a breakdance competition, even though none of you know how to breakdance. Right before it's your turn, we give you this really inspirational pep talk that inspires you to really "turn it on" and actually win the competition! Then when you dine at our restaurant at your victory dinner, you realize that teamwork and believing in yourself is what really matters, not skill or training. That's an inspiring and COOL way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We take lobster meat and freeze it in a large block of butter. Then we put that block on a roller coaster car going the wrong way on the track. We make you ride in another roller coaster car loaded with sparklers and cocktail sauce, and halfway through the ride, you'll collide with the car with lobster meat in it in a spectacular explosion of lobster, butter, and you. What a great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We invent a typeface named "Lobster." It becomes really popular in graphic design circles and becomes a standard for many letterheads. When one of your personal relationships falls apart, and the person who left you wrote on letterhead that uses the font "Lobster," you can have a good chuckle, despite the tears. That's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We replace all imitation crab meat with real lobster meat. Then when you go to a shitty bodega in New York and put imitation crab meat on your shitty salad, you'll be so pleasantly surprised at the genuine lobster meat that you'll stop making racist comments about the Chinese owner! One more great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Stay tuned for even more great ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Yum.

After yesterday's EADJ Song Hate entry, a few curious readers* asked us, "What is that delicious treat that Rob Thomas is enjoying in that photo?" We tried to contact his booking agent Grabow to ascertain the treat, but our calls were not returned.

*Not really


So using the Internet and our own cognitive reasoning, we present the 4 most likely candidates:

1) Nutella Sandwich


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Right color, square shape; brown all around the edges, just like a sandwich.
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Wrong size for a regular slice of bread; texture is too "Smooth" (sorry) for bread.


2) Fig Newton


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct color; generally right shape.
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Fig newtons are brown only on the ends; WAY too big to be a fig newton.


3) Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwich

Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct color?
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Wrong shape; too thin to be an ice cream sandwich; plus, it would have melted during the shoot because it looks like "a hot one" (sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry).


Pepperidge Farm® Milano Cookie


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct texture; brown filling goes all around; right size! Plus, in a recent interview with "Interview" Magazine, Rob Thomas professed his love for Milano cookies, dating all the way back to 1999, THE YEAR THIS VIDEO CAME OUT!
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Shit, wrong shape.

The Whitest Kid U' Know

Pictured below, John Reid eases racial tensions at a hip hop festival by borrowing some sunblock.





It does look like she pepper sprayed him, doesn't it?

Let's Keep Sending Snow Globes As Gifts To the EADJ Mail Sack, Even Though It's Stated Clearly That It Doesn't Collect Snow Globes Anymore!

Submitted by Vince Soliven, a screenshot of the K-Y viral website where Vince had repeatedly tried to insert Bryan Dixon's name in it but was banned for being "profane."

A very special evening with Joel

A recent trip to L.A. afforded this EADJ reporter the chance to finally spend some Q-time with the eponymous Joel. It was a night of delights, fun, wings, and sexual tension.


We had dinner at Big Wangs, naturally. Joel's suggestion, honest. Joel even showed up in his very own EADJ shirt! How frickin self-reffin' is that?! Joel is either adjusting his nuts or giving a thumbs up here.


A pretty hot redhead waitress served us there. We loaded up on a spicy wings/dick combo. Despite his t-shirt and Joel's insistence that he was famous, Kassie was not having it. Thus, no tip.


After a satisfying repast of spicy, extra spicy, mega-hot and even nuclear dick, Joel offers the scraps to his chimp servant Chad Yarborough before telling it to fetch his car. All in all, a wonderful outing with the Kobayashi of dick, Joel Thomas. Plus, I got my dick eaten for the first time!

Getting Famouser!

If ever there were a good time to be Joel, that time would be now.

Sony Music has asked Joel to write the liner notes for Fantasia Barrino's next album.

"The, ah, styre. And, ah, the humol which Joer uses in his writing has made him perfect candidate," said Sony's stereotypical Japanese and sometimes Chinese spokesman Takeshi Xiu, "We rike velly much Joer's writing in Wicked Wicked Games. Big Happy Fun Time Explosion!"

In addition to the Fantasia liner notes, Joel has also been asked to write a fax spam sheet and a sign for one of the broken copy machines.

"I'm thinking either 'COPIER DOWN' or 'OUT OF ORDER– PLEASE USE THE ONE ON THE 14TH FLOOR.'" said a clearly psyched Joel, on the assignment.

When asked about Joel's extracurricular activities of eating massive amounts of dick, Xiu had this to say:

"Why you think we hire him? We want our dick eated too!"

Then everyone at the press conference had a long, hearty laugh that froze when the credits started rolling.

(pictured above, will.i.am, apl.de.ap, Taboo, and Fergie say 'Fuck it.' And the inevitable fallout by the hipster crowd ensues)