Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Every so often, Netflix renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Netflix this month:

• The Deadliest Crotch

• America's Funniest Colonoscopy Bloopers

• Kids Helping Grown Ups Move

• Chicago Librarians

• "The Bachelorette: Where Are They Now?" Special, Live from Various Prisons

• The Crown Reruns, But Dubbed With Boston Accents

Here are the shows and movies that Netflix is removing from their lineup this month:

• Sound Check With Mötley Crüe

• The Flan-dalorian

• Gwinnett (spinoff of Atlanta)

• A Medieval Epic That Looks A Lot Like Lord of The Rings But Isn't Lord of The Rings Because We Don't Have Permission From Tolkien's Estate Hey Look! Small People With Furry Feet!

• Tucker Carlson At Home: The Animated Series

• Weather Forecasts Delivered Extremely Condescendingly For Some Reason

Bank of America Presents: New Trending Scams To Avoid to Protect Your Account

The security of your account at BofA is the most important thing to us. We have proactively discovered all the new ways that scammers are trying to access your information in order to steal your hard-earned money so that they can buy the newest iPhone to take pornographic selfies to post onto Instagram and OnlyFans. Sluts. Here are the newest ways that scammers are trying to fool you into sharing your account info:

• They hire a professional impressionist to pose as your mother to call you and ask you why you haven't found a new job yet and by the way what's your PIN number

• They post memes on Facebook that say things like: "LIKE if your account number ends in 5574 LOL"

• Instead of "phishing", they actually go fishing and forget about scamming you for a change. It's a good afternoon.

• They start their own bank called Bonk of America, with everything exactly like Bank of America but with the letter "o": stationery, signage, brochures, name tags. Then when you walk in to make a deposit, they say all the things we would say, but with an "o", like "How ore you?" It's creepy and pointless, really, but you gotta admire their initiative.

• They access all six Infinity Stones and change your account and routing number to something that's easily guessed. Gee, you'd think they'd do something more epic with all that power, but nope!

• Some guy shows up at your door claiming to be your long lost cousin Yadduk. You hit it off with him and he starts living in your guest room. In time, he becomes like family and on your deathbed you bequeath to Yadduk your Bank of America account. SCAMMED!

• They try the up-front approach and ask you for $450,000.

A Special Message From South Orange's Walkway To Parking

These are difficult times. The Coronavirus is keeping families home, which not only hurts local businesses, but renders the Walkway To Parking useless. So although we're all staying apart, let's come together in spirit and walk that walkway to parking in our hearts, so that empty, sparsely used pathway can be semi-useful again. And please, think of sitting on that bench, too.

The ProofrEADJer: Late October Edition

"Dungenuss"

EADJ Selections From the Sharper Image Catalog

The only reason this catalog is still in business is because there are still lots of bored rich people who are easily duped. That's actually been their mission statement for the past 10 years.

Click to enlarge and read:

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week Of August 1

Twitter can suck my balls. But before it does, please use these seldom-needed hashtags in your Twitter feed:

#penguintits

#2cheeksandhope

#afurryatDisneyland

#jeffdunhamapologist

#Flintstonefoodfetish

#BigDaddyTimKaine

#ithoughtiknewCPRohwell

#asideofC.ThomasHowellyounevergettosee

#spreadmywingsandgetajobatmydad'soffice

#goldencorralsaladbarmissedconnections

The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2016 Edition

See 2015's entry here.

Brand: Millennium Mor-Soft M600

Brand Imagery: A stylized letter M that looks like a brown lady's nether-parts

Brand Promise: It is "more soft." But more soft than what? Gravel?

Feels Like: Setting off an M80 in your arse.

Brand: Certo

Brand Imagery: Either stackable cups, a worm or an uncircumcised green penis

Brand Promise: Unknown. "We're certain your ass will be clean?"

Feels Like: Having your anus booed at by apes

Brand: Medline

Brand Imagery: What looks like a spinning top logo. Very sharp and pointy. The name "Medline" sounds like it's going to give you a bloody bunghole.

Brand Promise: PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS IN TOILET

Feels Like: Sitting on a weaver's spinning, dry spindle

Brand: Monogram

Brand Imagery: Boring blue stripe. Boring logo.

Brand Promise: You will not notice us. We are average.

Feels Like: A stealth fighter's exhaust burning your bum.

Brand: Chalet

Brand Imagery: Downton Abbey

Brand Promise: A more proper, civilized way to wipe your filthy asshole.

Feels Like: Two gnarled twigs playing polo between your cheeks

Spotted At Nordstrom

"Commando." Probably not the best name for a panty company, unless they somehow allow your balls to flap around down there.

Jack Bauer, Pun Cop

The following takes place between 11:00am and 12:00pm.

Events occur in real time.

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong...

"Chloe, I need you to decrypt the files I've taken from a thumb drive I picked off a terrorist's corpse."

"Scanning, Jack. Uploading the first three."

"Hmm. Nothing there. Just lazy food-related puns. This isn't the information we need to stop the virus bomb, Chloe. What else have you got? I need something I can act on."

"Stand by, Jack."

"Is that a real beer? Jesus."

"It was found by an agent Barry Flanik, sir."

"I don't know who that is. Send me more as it comes, Chloe, I have to rappel off this bridge."

"Chloe, what is this?"

"It's a screenshot from a news program, Jack."

"I know that. These puns are getting worse. We have to locate that virus bomb, Chloe!"

"I'm doing my best, Jack!"

"'Squeeze the Day?!' 'Give Peeps a Chance?!' Things are way worse than I thought they were, Chloe. This effects the whole damn city. We have to triangulate where the signal is coming from and tell the police to evacuate from a six block radius!"

"Dear God. They've gotten an entire city bus. Move move move!"

"Jack, here comes another one."

"Chloe, I can't read that. I've been shot in the stomach. Lost a lot of blood. Tell me how bad the pun is."

"Pretty bad, Jack. There were two of them. Okay, I've isolated the signal and have pinpointed the location along with another file! Uploading now!"

"Is that even a pun, Chloe? Railroads use ties, not rivets. I think that one is a reach."

"Sorry, Jack. I'm just a little frazzled trying to type while being shot at in the Turkistan embassy."

"Just stay cool, Chloe. I'm sure the S.W.A.T. team is on the way."

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong…

"What the hell is this, Chloe?! This is no good! It's a six month old signal, from CHRISTMAS!!! WE'VE LOST THE TRAIL!!!! DAMMIT!"

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong…

I'm Not Sure Exactly What's Wong With Me.

The ProofrEADJer, August Edition

An IM Bon Mot

Submitted by Ranee Wu:

Let's Cede All Political Power To The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew, who just moved into a Chicago apartment with his wife. Some items left by the previous tenants:

"special move-in welcome dicks"

Spotted at the St. Louis Airport

Some very judgmental signage.