Six Lies Told By The Harbor House "How To Eat Crabs" Brochure

1) "Turn the crab over, belly down and facing away from you." This step isn't necessary unless it gets you off from the power.

2) "Some people enjoy the taste of the 'mustard' and some will pick it away." The "mustard" is some of the best part, dammit! Of course it does look like someone blew their nose inside a crab.

3) The only time crabs has ever brought up on Fox & Friends is when the president described his sexual exploits during the Vietnam War.

4) "Jumbo Lump" is also known as a "FUPA"

5) Making a scared  cartoon crab out of the garnish isn't necessary.

6) The iLoveCrabs Cookbook brings back all your favorite minor celebrities like Hal Sparks and Chuck Nice to riff on crustaceans and to make unfunny seafood pop culture references.

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EADJ and SE Johnson Wax are happy to announce the 6 Lies Told Disinfectant Cleaner. With over 80 strong but natural ingredients, this cleaner disinfects 103% of bacteria and viruses in existence. Available behind the counter at your local Dollar General. Must be over 18 to purchase.

6 Lies Told By The United States Department of Agriculture's Food Safety Brochure, "Is It Done Yet?"

Pointing out the lies of a government agency is usually the realm of conspiracy nuts and fat militia bunker dipshits, but we decided to give it a go.

1) That girl doesn't really want a burger. She simply wants to make her Dad look bad in front of his friends by berating him. Who does she think she is.

2) Not real corn. Fake corn. Pseudo corn. Lies on the cob.

3) The dad's smile barely hides his contempt for the daughter. She's the reason they didn't go backpacking that year in Portugal. Fucking kid.

4) That chicken breast wasn't fully cooked. Grandma will eat that one.

5) When it was alive, that wasn't just "fish"; that salmon had dreams, joys... it had a name. It was Greg.

6) Aren't safe cooking temperatures pointless if you're cooking quiche for dinner? Who cares about living at that point? 

Eat A Dick Joel is thrilled to announce the release of the 6 Lies Told line of delicious raspberry jam. This old fashioned raspberry jam has the fresh, homey taste that will take you back to your childhood. All natural, low in sugar, no pectin, and bursting with berry flavor with a hint of lemon, it's lovingly made from fresh and never frozen raspberries. Perfect over breakfast toast or topped over plain yogurt for dessert. Order today!

6 Lies Told By The San Francisco Dungeon Brochure

Here are 6 lies told by the San Francisco Dungeon located at Fisherman's Wharf:

1. We will only chain your feet on the rides if you're really into it.

2. The Descent is exactly what it sounds like. 8 steps down a staircase.

3. "Miss Piggott" doesn't actually work here. She's just a patron who gets way too into the horror thing and we've been too embarrassed for the last few years to ask her to leave.

4. "Chinatown Plague Street" might not have been the most PC attraction, considering the latest worldwide pandemic events.

5. And maybe making light of human trafficking wasn't a good call, either. Who made these decisions?!

6. "Anyone under the age of 16 must be accompanied by a PAYING adult." Which means you kids can't just ask that guy who jumps out of bushes to scare tourists to come with you.

EADJ is happy to announce the 6 Lies Told Investment Firm, a multi-asset alternative investment company with already $105 billion in assets under management that creates lasting impact for our investors, teams, businesses and the communities in which we live. 6 Lies Told Investments takes a consulting-based approach to private equity investing, partnering closely with management teams to offer the insights that challenge conventional thinking, build great businesses and improve operations. Over time, we hope to expand this approach across asset classes to build one of the strongest alternative asset platforms in the world.

6 Lies Told By The California Cannabis Guide & Map Brochure

Super-sweet new 6 Lies Told gif animation by Fiverr seller zirodesign:

1. The map will not show you every seller standing in front of a 7-Eleven.

2. Getting too high can make you leave your shopping bag hanging on a bench like an idiot.

3. If you can tell the difference at a glance, you are not high enough.

4. Sorry to disappoint you if you got the bottom of this page and it never said where you could buy any weed.

5. "Tour in HIGH class." Get it? Oh, we have fun.

6. Glass blowing demonstrations are only for those interested in blowing Ira Glass.

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EADJ in partnership with Columbia Outdoor Company is pleased to announce the 6 Lies Told drawstring bag!

This handsome vinyl carrying bag is perfect for your Beanie Baby collection, giant ball of wax, Pomeranian dog outfits, dildo, bong, or books about strong black women. Can also carry one cabbage and one pineapple comfortably while running. It will retail for $29.99.

6 Lies Told By The "Safe Handling Of Take Out Foods" Brochure

1) Paper bags aren't usually big or strong enough to hold an entire chicken. Also, who the shit slices pizza that way?

2) "Keep HOT Food HOT! Keep COLD food COLD!"

Also, MEN should marry WOMEN! And WOMEN in skirts are ASKING FOR IT!

3) "If you are not eating take-out or delivered food immediately, follow these guidelines to make sure the food remains safe for you to eat at a later time."

The question that should be asked is, why did you order food if you weren't going to immediately eat it, you indecisive wastoid? Lay off the pipe and eat your Reuben while it's hot.

4) "Inspected for wholesomeness." That means they served it at a Mormon sock hop and measured the number of "gee-willikers" in the responses.

5) If you've got 5 day old egg salad lying around, you deserve to die.

6) "Salads made with mayonnaise do not freeze well." Bullshit. It freezes great- it just tastes like yak ass after thawing later.

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EADJ is proud to announce the 6 Lies Bordeux, bottled exclusively in Central New Jersey.

Full-bodied with herbal notes, this white or red wine (I forget which) boasts a soft, less tannic flavor than a Cabernet sauvignon. Pairs well with a hoagie or cocaine.

6 Lies Told By the Mount Vernon Brochure

1) New York is the 24th state with the most violent crime rate. You might want to bring your pepper spray than walk around unprotected.

2) Actually closed on George Washington's birthday and during Freaknik.

3) This little shed was George Washington's man room, full of comics, porn and Playstation 1 games.

4) "The distillery" and "gristmill" are both nicknames for the same gift shop.

5) Yes, this is the original Jaws prop from the movie "Moonraker."

6) Free wifi. The password is "1STBITCHES"

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Eat A Dick Joel is pleased to announce "6 Lies" brand coffee beans. Grown in the specially designated area of Jamaica's Blue Mountains, 6 Lies coffee has dark brown color, good acidity, intense aroma, and a good, clean body, and is poisonous only 3 weeks out of the year. Pick up a bag of 6 Lies for your coffee grinder today! Available at CVS and select carwashes.

Six Lies Told By The Alexandria Ghost & Graveyard Tour Brochure

1) It's not so much an 18th Century costumed guide by lantern light as it is a bored Alexandria high school student in a bonnet checking her texts.

2) "At the tour's end your guide will abandon you in a graveyard!" What fun is abandonment if you're going to announce it? Weak.

3) "This tour contains content that could be considered of a sensational nature and may not be suitable for all parties." Translation: HOT COLONIAL ORGIES

4) Friday's no good for me. How about the next Wednesday for a good fake haunting?

5) Colonial-costumed = foam tricorner hat and an untucked frilly shirt

6) Scanning this QR code actually transports you back to 2005 when that technology was considered cool.

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Eat A Dick Joel, in collaboration with GNC Nutrition, is happy to announce the launch of the Six Lies Told Whey Protein Meal Supplement Packets, exclusively for sale at GNC, Target, CVS, Walgreens, Hobby Lobby, Walmart, Costco, and the Vitamin Shoppe.

Build muscle, bulk up on probiotics and load up on essential amino acids with this gluten-free collection of delicious organic powders. Flavors come in tangerine, kiwi, fried chicken, malaise, and bison cum.

6 Lies Told By The San Francisco Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum Brochure

1) The dance room isn't actually interactive. The stupid lights will blink and flash whether you dance or not. A ripoff, really.

2) Not the weirdest place on the Wharf. The weirdest place on the Wharf is actually a section of sidewalk where some guy hiding as a bush scares the shit out of tourists and then asks for change.

3) "Tattoos cover 95% of my body!" Not true. I dated her, and it's a mere 93%. I measured it.

4) "Made entirely of CAR PARTS." False. There are clearly minivan, delivery truck, and hybrid crossover parts in there.

5) Times up. You're too old to breakdance.

6) "Odditorium, San Francisco." Redundant.

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Bath & Body Works and Six Lies LLC are proud to announce the official 6 Lies Told aloe vera facial youth cream, now available in all Bath & Body Works locations, except Idaho. Restore firmness, heal sun damage, increase hydration, erase wrinkles, smooth texture, nourish at the dermal layer, minimize irritation, increase skin brightness and even out skin tone. Everything that you ever wanted in an anti aging wrinkle treatment daily moisture product has been added at maximum percentage for guaranteed potency, purity, efficacy, and profound results. And that's no "lie!"

6 Lies Told By The Museum of Natural History's Butterfly Conservatory Brochure

1) "Tropical butterflies alive in winter." If by "alive" you mean forced to stay indoors with limited access to Netflix, you could say the butterflies are alive.

2) That is actually famed butterfly impersonator Daniel Hallenbach, doing his best Cydno Longwing impression. Please tip him well!

3) Courtenay here is more into millipedes, but she posed for this photo for the college credit.

4) Justin actually posed with a butterfly in this photo, but the editors took it out to make him look dumb.

5) "Tickets to Butterflies include admission to the Museum and the Rose Center for Earth and Space." What they don't tell you is that you should go to the Rose Center first, because if you walk into there with butterflies in your sweater or hair, Jerome working the desk will swat the shit out of you in a panic.

6) The museum stole this URL from the Armenian Milliners of New Hampshire, a polite group of Turkish-related laborers keen on putting hats on North Americans.

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We are proud to announce the "6 Lies Told" Charity Auction for Change, co-sponsored by the Make A Difference! Foundation and GetGoing.org. The Charity Auction will be a four day event to benefit people whose lives were changed forever by 6 Lies. Participants are invited to wear a magenta wristband (pictured above) to show solidarity with the 6 Lies survivors. Items to be sold at auction:

• Dax Shepard's helmet from "CHiPs"

• A ham

• Henry Kissinger's tit prints, signed

• The movie rights to the "Ender's Game" franchise

• A pair of socks with "DIG DEEPER" printed on the bottom

• Heroin

• Handmade glue bombs

• A free $25 salon visit to any salon of your choice, provided it's located in Berkeley Heights, NJ

• Real validation from your peers

6 Lies Told By The Dutch Wonderland Brochure

1) "Duke's Lagoon: Water Play Area" - Maybe I'm ruined by the Internet, but that sounds like both shit and piss.

2) Dinosaurs Come to Life on Exploration Island" - The dinosaur necromancer doesn't bring the dinosaurs to full life, per se. He actually temporarily animates the long dead corpses of the dinosaurs for children's amusement but mercifully allows them to rest once the kids leave.

3) This illustration is exaggerated. There are actually only two gondolas in the sky ride.

4) Take your picture with all your favorite non-Disney characters like Prince Pleasant, Princess Belle Cinderhontas, or The Big Wizzer.

5) Duke has a fake ID and will buy your teenage and tween kids beers. Just be cool about it.

6) There's nothing children at a theme park love more than sitting still in a cabana.

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Hardee's and Carl's Jr. are proud to announce 6 Fries Bold, a limited menu item that combines spicy seasoned french fries with unrelenting falsehoods that come in half dozens. The fries will come in both Large and Extra Large cone sizes, and will sell for $3.99/$4.99, respectively.

6 Lies Told By The Hornblower Jazzy Champagne Brunch Cruise Brochure

1) There is no mention of the below-decks orgy that occurs halfway through brunch.

2) "Contact us for deals & specials." They neglected to share the password for the below-decks orgy, which is "Land ho!" Seriously, it's a proper no-holds-barred, go-for-the-gusto orgy with plenty of penetration, spouse-swapping, and stretched-to-the-limit latex.

3) "Glorious views" indeed. Staring into a stranger's gaping 50-year-old vagina after a couple of mimosas is pretty darn glorious.

4) "There's no better way to brunch." ;)

5) That ain't chocolate.

6) "Photo opportunities with New York's most iconic landmarks." In actuality, there are NO CAMERAS OR PHONES ALLOWED in the below-decks orgy for privacy and security reasons. Anyone caught taking a selfie while some rando Lithuanian is balls deep in you will be severely reprimanded and asked to leave.

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EADJ and the American Society of Six Lies Told are thrilled to announce the Six Lies Told fragrance, bottled and distributed by Lamå Rousse perfumery. The fragrance itself is an oriental musk, with hints of white florals and iced coffee. Starting out with top notes of whipped crème coffee, clementine and nectarine, the scent’s mid notes are made up of dulce de leche, orange flower and jasmine sambac. Rounding the fragrance out are the richer base notes of luminous amber and sensual musk.

The Six Lies Told fragrance will sell for $1500 for an 8 oz. bottle.

Six Lies Told By The Kittatinny Dual Racing Ziplines Brochure

1) It's not actually real racing between the two lines. Zipline #2 drags like a burro with a club foot.

2) That is what a thumbs up under extreme duress looks like.

3) Kittatinny is known for their canoes, so why not trust your life to them making an extra buck with a steel cable and a harness with wheels? Same thing, right?

4) They wanted to say "shit," but thought "zip" was cuter. "Shit" would've been cuter.

5) You are not required to heil the Fuhrer while riding, but you are allowed to.

6) "Reservations recommended, walk ins welcome?" Well, which is it? What kind of passive aggressive parenting is going on here?

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EADJ and the National College Greek Council are proud to announce the opening of the very first chapter of the Six Liesa Tolda fraternity on the campus of the University of Kansas. The "6LT" house is located on the corner of W 15th and Vermont Street, between the Kappa Alpha Theta and Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority houses. The house has rooms for over 30 fraternity brothers and features 3 shared bathrooms and a basement meeting room.

6 Lies Told By the Choo Choo Barn Brochure

Choo Choo Barn is a kid-friendly toy train museum that invites families to come look at a bunch of small shit running through some other small shit to make a whole charming small world of shit. If I sound bitter it's because they wouldn't let me take a poo there even though I showed a ticket stub that I had just been there 6 years prior. 

1) Enjoy seeing hardworking truckers frustratedly sit in traffic while trains whisk by them!

2) The billboard doesn't actually show missing children from a previous tour group who wandered too far into the "Cave of Nothingness."

3) If Amish Country weren't quaint enough for you city folk, the miniature version will charm the ever living whorepennies out of your godless, Instagramming pockets!

4) Master modeler and second generation owner Tom Groff dresses like a doctor, but is NOT a licensed podiatrist. So put your boots back on, Aunt Tina.

5) Scanning this QR code actually takes you here.

6) The Choo Choo Barn Twitter feed is mostly just shirtless shots of Tom Groff, with and without the white lab coat.

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Lenscrafters is proud to announce the exclusive "Six Lies Told" line of premium eyeglass frames.

Made with quality plasticine ceramic and putty, these exquisite, lightweight and high-end frames can help you spot lies up to 200 meters away, or only 2 inches away if you're nearsighted haha. That's a joke.

These limited edition "6L" frames will be available in Huron Blue, Agassi Red and Vulva Green and will retail for $295.00.