Ads For Eyeglasses Are Weird.

There's something gross and unsettling about eyeglasses ads. Maybe it's in the casting, like they chose people too beautiful to wear glasses or something.

Why doesn't this guy just get LASIK? He shouldn't be hiding his beautiful cheekbones like that.

This is more natural. But she still seems oddly alien and smug.

Oh, look. I found my lost Kraftwerk LP.

Good Lord. Creepy vacant smiles, sitting too close together, smiling in two different directions at nothing. I'd prefer mannequin heads or just the frames. GET ME OUT OF THIS STEPFORD WICKERMAN MIDSOMMAR NIGHTMARE

UAG

Some Ways That Aggressive Glass & Mirrors Drums Up Business

 

• They throw a brick through your front window and say "tsk tsk tsk."

• They hire a goon to come smash the shit out of your mirrors. And he takes the seven years bad luck because he ain't no snitch.

•  They run over your dog and make some clumsy joke about being blind and seeing eye dogs and you needing new blinds.

• They tell you that there's some really cool, amazing stuff happening outside your window but that you need new $1200 panes to really appreciate it.

• Three words: MICHAEL BAY WINDOWS.

• They threaten to give away the plot details of the "Homeland" episode you're watching unless you invest in some insulated windows which are surprisingly easy to open and clean when you really try them out. You should really give it a try unless you want to hear that Brody was framed for the bombing of CIA headquarters.

• They give you the finger inches from your face as they estimate, order, repair and invoice the window job for you.

• They "repair" your cracked coffee table glass top with Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's ass in a sweet version of his "Superfly Splash."

• Fuck you

• Their hold music is "Architecture of Aggression" by Megadeth.

• They start a drawn out, expensive war under false pretenses, linking a terrorist attack to a completely unrelated foreign country that they wanted to invade in the first place for their oil wells.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, are you ready to grill some delicious top sirloins, Buck?"

"Hell, yeah I am. It took me a while, but I finally got the charcoal burning steady at the perfect temperature, and without the help of any lighting fluid, so these cuts of meat are going to be done just right."

"Okay, so we got the meat in the package, some spice rubs (which I don't think we need), some steak sauce (which I also think we can skip, knowing my grilling skills!) and uh... this here pack of Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards?"

"What the..."

"Not sure what to do with these. Think I'll chuck 'em."

"No! Since we're gonna be standing here for a while, we might as well try a few questions."

"Hm. Not really my thing, but okay."

(reads the first card)

"'Assuming every man or woman has their price, what is yours?'"

"Uh, pass on that one."

"'Does the success of your friends motivate or frustrate your own progress in life?'"

"Not sure what that means."

"'In moments of intimacy, are you more of a "giver" or a "taker?"'"

"Jesus."

"'When have you loved someone who has not loved you back?'"

"Can we just cook these steaks without talking?"

UAG

Similarity

Pictured from left, Ranee Wü, Günther.

Dickens Side Joel

Cleanup time.

Joel woke up at 7am this morning to find himself naked amongst spent firecrackers, piles of half-eaten dick, and a coupon for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut. Needless to say, he had a lot of tidying up to do before his parole officer swung by at 3. Luckily his chimp servant was on hand to sweep all the ashes and dick into the apartment complex pool which was ashy and dicky already.

Officer Myron Noodleman came by to check up on Joel to make sure he hadn't been doing drugs or using the internet to scam old ladies out of their hard-earned dick. Everything was in order, so the meeting was brief, civil and without incident.

It was a good thing that Officer Noodleman hadn't checked the attic crawlspace, however. Joel would have had a lot of explaining to do with 30 castrated sheep carcasses, each wearing a cutout mask of Nick Lachey. Lucky Joel!

(pictured above, some part-time CKers fill in for everyone who's off for the holiday)