It's The Great Pathmark, Charlie Brown!

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 23: "Northern Lights of Christmas"

"Northern Lights of Christmas" is not a good or groundbreaking movie. It has all the same elements as countless others, but some reason this one managed to get me misty in parts. Maybe it's from having watched Hallmark movies 23 days in a row that my sarcasm has been disabled. Or maybe it's because of Hallmark heavy hitter Ashley Williams' acting chops. Either way, I started ovulating and weeping during this one, spilling Chunky Monkey all over my Pink sweatpants.

Romance Factor: 8 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 9 out of 10

Overall Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:22:41

UAG

UAG

Similarity

Pictured from left, Ranee Wü, Günther.

An Imagined Conversation.

Publicist: Good morning, everyone. Shall we get started?

Record Label Exec: Yes. Our album release date is in 90 days. We have distribution lined up, marketing has been budgeted, and radio stations all have gotten a heads up. But we still need a title for the album.

Recording Artist: What is this pink stuff on the bagels? Is this fish?

Record Label Exec: Err, I think that's lox.

Recording Artist: Who?

Publicist: It's fish. Salmon, specifically.

Record Label Exec: (pause) Anyway, we have video hosting appearances squared away with Fuse and MTV, but they both requested album artwork, and we still need to name the CD...

Recording Artist: There's like boogers on the fish, too.

(silence)

Publicist: Those are capers.

Recording Artist: (pokes at bagel)

Publicist: (clears throat) Well, we want an album title that reflects a new phase in the artist's career. Something that shows depth and maturity.

Recording Artist: Holy shit, they taste like boogers too! Nasty!

Record Label Exec: How about "This Is Me," or some crap? Seems to always work. It makes them seem to bare their soul and contemplate their existence and legacy in the music world.

Publicist: Done. (to Recording Artist) Let's get a McMuffin for you.

Recording Artist: I dressed myself!

What the Fuck™?

Attention ad copywriters: Using everyday interjections for your taglines is unacceptable. Stop it.

Adopting a common phrase to sell your product has been a well-established method in advertising, and it's mostly been acceptable. Like Pabst Blue Ribbon's "What'll You Have?" or McDonald's "I'm Loving It." Familiar phrases that took on an additional meaning thanks to an association with a company's name.




But when you call dibs on "Whoo Hoo!" or "Yay!" you're overstepping your bounds. You're hoping that people will eventually hear someone say "Yay" and want a shitty ice cream cake or some substandard vanilla in a sugarcone. Or hear someone say "Whoo hoo!" and suddenly think about financing their car payments. God, you suck.

What next?




Stealing from the public lexicon is still stealing. And desperately uncreative. So fucking stop it, already. Come up with some original words like "Snickerlicious" or "Epsonality." And you know what? Bud Light trying to "own" the word dude is not okay, either.

Haven't I Seen This Movie Already?

Three movie treatments, which have been made into about 40 movies so far:

Denzel Washington plays a tough but fair leader to a group of young people who have the potential but not the discipline. Through firm speeches and looking around the room, he gives the kids the strength they need to finally achieve that trophy or goal of theirs! Also most likely starring Angela Bassett and David Morse. Together, they will "Cross That Dream Line."

When a bad man is either on a killing rampage or has been beating her, Ashley Judd must do whatever it takes to get past that obstacle and carry on. Her tears betray the pain and determination she experiences every day. Also starring Morgan Freeman, Forrest Whitaker or other older African American gentleman to be her father figure/confidant. This Fall, get ready for "Silent Sorrow Hope."

A heist is going down. And it's up to Robert Deniro/Al Pacino to either finish the job or stop it. Deniro/Pacino is the reluctant veteran on this side of the law, and he must successfully carry out/stop one last illegal activity before he retires. Also starring Joaquin Phoenix, Jennifer Tilly, and that girl from The Sopranos. Directed by either of those directors that always does this shit. "Throw The Book," coming 2009.

*Sigh*

Through My Trees.

(pictured above, an R&B compilation loses street cred)

Hampton Jitney: A Visual Guide