The EADJ Crapcade Review of the iPhone Game "Rapper Run"

I bet you're thinking, "Hey cool, a new EADJ segment!" No, actually this is a very old segment that hasn't been featured on this blog for almost 9 YEARS TO THE DATE.

Why such a long time? Who knows. But it's definitely not because there haven't been terrible videogames and apps in the last 9 years. Blame it on laziness and distraction.

And another thing- the game we're reviewing isn't even available anymore. It was a digital turd laid back in 2013. So how lazy is that?!

Rapper Run is (was) a game that capitalized on the never-ending running games like Subway Surf and Temple Run. 

But this time it's with crude, perfunctory animation and with RAPPERS!

See, you can choose your character, like not-Kanye West, because I guess the developers discovered you can't use real rappers' likenesses in games if you don't pay them.

So, pivot. You can choose all your favorite rapper characters to run, like Dr. Dre's son Curtis Young (?????!????) Yukmouth or @HipHopGamer. All your favorites.

But that's not all. You can also choose to be YouTube star "Francis"!

FUCK, WHY ISN'T THIS A CONSOLE GAME ALREADY?

And like rappers do, you're going to run along the median of a street and collect coins. Wait, is that rappers or Martin Lawrence? Wow, super old reference from another century.

Anyhoo, the other motivation to keep running is to run away from rapid fans, à la Beatles in "A Hard Day's Night". Ruuuun.

The gameplay from what I remember was choppy and basic. The sounds were just a hip hop beat and someone pretending to be Kanye yelling "Ungh!" The touch screens on gas pumps are more sophisticated than this asshole of a game. Good thing you can't download it anymore. 

Final grade: F

Getting Famouser!

If ever there were a good time to be Joel, that time would be now.

Sony Music has asked Joel to write the liner notes for Fantasia Barrino's next album.

"The, ah, styre. And, ah, the humol which Joer uses in his writing has made him perfect candidate," said Sony's stereotypical Japanese and sometimes Chinese spokesman Takeshi Xiu, "We rike velly much Joer's writing in Wicked Wicked Games. Big Happy Fun Time Explosion!"

In addition to the Fantasia liner notes, Joel has also been asked to write a fax spam sheet and a sign for one of the broken copy machines.

"I'm thinking either 'COPIER DOWN' or 'OUT OF ORDER– PLEASE USE THE ONE ON THE 14TH FLOOR.'" said a clearly psyched Joel, on the assignment.

When asked about Joel's extracurricular activities of eating massive amounts of dick, Xiu had this to say:

"Why you think we hire him? We want our dick eated too!"

Then everyone at the press conference had a long, hearty laugh that froze when the credits started rolling.

(pictured above, will.i.am, apl.de.ap, Taboo, and Fergie say 'Fuck it.' And the inevitable fallout by the hipster crowd ensues)