Smecial Dreams Entry

I'm not sure what this means, but I wrote this in my phone's Notes after waking from a dream:

More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

Annabel at the Girl Scout Cookie kiosk in the Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL

• Fuck, I think I tore my ACL.

• My daughter better appreciate that I'm selling these for her.

Devin at the iRepair Expert kiosk in Pacific Place in Seattle, WA

• I'll need to sell 300 more phone cases to make rent this month.

• I bet I could pee my pants and no one would notice.

Hamza at the Soccer International kiosk in The Mall at Millenia in Orlando, FL

• If someone stabbed me in the chest with a CapriSun straw, could they drink my blood?

• I know all the words to Aerosmith's "Walk This Way". I wish someone would ask me to recite it all.

Tina at the TOYZ kiosk in the Russellville City Mall at Millenia in Russellville, AR

• This "Dune 2" movie is terrific.

• Wait, how many hours have I been away from the kiosk?

Dante at the Detroit Fragrance Company kiosk in the Grand Teton Mall at Millenia in Idaho Falls, ID

• My roommate better have folded the common area futon by the time I get home.

• I could take pretty much any man in this mall.

Here's the "Sharks of the Corn" Trailer We Never Promised You

They forgot to add a "Shot on iPhone" caption at the end.

UAG

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Difference Between the iPhone XS and iPhone XR

"Oof... gah... It's pretty simple, really... The XR has a slightly larger... ugh... screen, plus it's ... ahh... uh... an LCD screen, whereas... *gasps*...the XS uses OLED... oof... the XR also has only one *huff huff* rear-facing... aw man... camera... GAH... ahh... uhh... which is the same... ouch... ah... as the XS' wide-angle camera... wait..." *slips into a coma*

UAG

2 Things

I got this random text from a wrong number. So I responded.

Smecial Dreams Entry

I guess I published it.

EADJ Smecial Entry

Barack Abomination

You might remember from previous entries that EADJ is curating a Hall of Anthropomorphic Horrors, such as a tooth with teeth, a hand with hands, and a foot with feet.

We found yet another possible addition to the collection from the Far East, a phone texting on a phone. Let me repeat that. A PHONE TEXTING ON A PHONE.

WHY CAN'T HE TEXT ON HIMSELF? IS THAT HIS CHILD HE'S TEXTING ON?! WHY DOES HE WEAR OLD TIMEY HOBO SHOES??!!!!

UAG

EADJ Announces Nifty iPhone Cases!

EADJ is proud to announce the release of their own line of iPhone case for the iPhone 4, 4S, 5, 5C, and 5S. Made of lightweight, scratch-resistant polymers, these stylish cases make a statement while protecting your smart phone. Pick from 8 designs!

Click here to order now.

Some Instagram Filters We're Still Waiting For

Sure, we've all used Valencia, Lo-fi and Brannan, but what other upcoming filters does Instagram have in the pipeline? EADJ has a list of some new filters to look out for:

• Humility
• De-duckface
• RoseTintedExistence
• StillGotIt
• BoredTeenager
• BatteryDrainer
• ChristYouLookLikeShitNow
• UpMyNose
• Jew
• FadedDaguerrotype
• EmulsionTransfer
• IgnoringMyStepchildren
• SuburbanGangsta
• MyHusbandDonSterlingIsGoingToHateThis
• AlabamaSmog
• JustEatTheDamnThingAlready

What filters are you excited to start using?

You Can't Buy Taste.

I'm an avid SCRABBLE player on my phone. And not too long ago I got an alert that the "Avalon Luxury Kit," brought to you by the Toyota Avalon, was now available in the SCRABBLE store.

"Want to play in style?" Do I want to play a classic board game as if I were a trillionaire? And it's FREE FOR THREE MONTHS? I was curious to see how the 1% plays SCRABBLE differently than the rest of us plebes. So I installed it.

What the Rick Rockwell fart? It looks like someone replaced regular SCRABBLE tiles with chrome lettering hacked off a Ford Focus. And why are all the letters so horizontal? It looks like they're trying to luxuriously take a dump on the board. Which they should because it's a boring gray now with a horsey Toyota badge across the entire board.

I obviously turned that hideous shit off my game and went back to the Classic look. Then a few months later, I got this sad notice:

Aww, too bad. I missed out on the chance to customize my board to resemble a high-end hair salon from the 80s. Maybe I'll browse the SCRABBLE Store and customize my tiles to resemble illegible lettuce leaves, brought to you by Hidden Valley Ranch. 

A New Friend?

Pictured below, some random girl (or bot) tries to make a connection with me via the Facebook Messenger:

Meanwhile, On Words With Friends...

Ayana successfully plays the word "TITMAN."

That's right. TITMAN. For 20 points.

Here's what Google Images brings back when you type it in search, even without filtering explicit results:

TITMAN.

Thanks, Action Movie iPhone App

You've made waiting at the Jiffy Lube marginally more enjoyable.

Lobsterfest- You Know It, I Know It.

Editor's note: Since EADJ Lobsterfest entries have lately required the imbibing of alcohol, it was a natural next step that this one was created at a bar. David and Andrew drank at the Snickers Bar on State Street in Chicago last night, and with the help of two Stratosphere Dongs (whose ingredients are whiskey, Sprite & grenadine, remember) and the Dragon Dictation app on David's phone, they created the entries below.

Please keep in mind that the bar was very noisy and both David and Andrew were slurring by this time, so this is what the Dragon Dictation app spat out:

David: Take all the contractor and the tractor pulls great full of lobster meat across the street and then everyone comes the great and going to eat lots of crap that you get a couple dollars for it that's what terrific way to do it lobster red lobster fest at red lobster

Andrew: You're brought lobster by man wearing a long time Hawkhurst looks to be a tie for their inspection revealed Thai is entirely made of lobster Princetown encouraged Fissler the time off back by the time you get up closer than other regions of his face notice that this is actually painted white going to the that point they realize that you're actually Extrano for movie called Scalo lobster directed by David Platt straight to DVD so you can do a lobster around his neck and realize that you actually been giving pickiest Mashit lobsterman's with shallots

David: So I just found a way to reduce and make lobster meat microscopic to the point that you could create several gunships out of lobster meat ticket event this silicon chips of lobster meat into an electronics from there the computing can get only faster transistor radios iPods even leaving CB radios are made faster by this new technology the government tries to seal the button away from you but instead you turn all rights over to your local red lobster where they make the profit to pay you maybe 2% of it now that's one way to enjoy lobster at red lobster lobster fest y'all

Andrew: So we all know the way that hipsters like door at red lobster in on the fun counteroffer lobster Holdaway
Meeting shape Pat Hanna lobster with manly read and think that looking where to show their support for websurfer love you up for the unfortunate thing about the other non-thought out plan of this idea is that number one the bees invidious number two there assembled and I red lobster restaurants with overworked employees already have to much to do lobster at the lobster Deanza Furla to get Steerhead Isabel Chopperhead resulting in really

David: You play chess with his 12-year-old it's well-built beat you 20 times out of 50 was me that you would most the time so you Salabay Viene lobster invited 12-year-old to come join you at the restaurant but disease too young to drink you get drunk as he flops are watching it totally wasted one way to joy Lochshire Ludloff Sarala Mellotts about


Analysis: It seems that the beginning of each entry makes sense but quickly devolves into gibberish, either because of David and Andrew's rambling or because the Dragon Dictation app starts breaking down in a noisy environment.

Possibly the most remarkable but unintentional finds:
Deanza Furla
shallots
Steerhead Isabel Chopperhead
Pat Hanna

Feel free to use any of these as iPod playlists or vanity plates!

A Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Pria, attendant at Phone Phun at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 1:34pm - 1:40pm:

• picked nose

• straightened the rack of ugly dayglo bedazzled iPhone covers

• adjusted sweater

• adjusted bra strap (left)

• smiled at old woman who wasn't even looking at her

• hummed the theme to "SWAT"

• grabbed crotch/looked around to see if anyone was watching

• alphabetized the lanyards

• lifted right leg to squeeze one out

The following is an accurate account of what Donovan, attendant at That's My Mug! at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 2:14pm - 2:28pm:

• played Angry Birds

• nodded to the attendee of the FLYING THINGS kiosk nearby

• did that thing where you flick your cheek to make a "waterdrop" noise

• straightened row of personalized mugs

• considered having a Cavatini from Pizza Hut for lunch

• straightened row of blank mugs that have yet to be personalized

• said the word "shit" to himself

• thought about Alyson Hannigan

• played Plants Vs. Zombies

• scratched ear

• thought about those new Hobbit movies

• shat himself