Five New Businesses That Just Opened In Brooklyn

The Disintegrating Remains of An Ancient Sumerian Tablet

More than 4,000 years ago the valleys of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers gave birth to great civilizations--first the Sumerian, then the Babylonian, Assyrian, Chaldean, and Persian empires. Here too, excavations have unearthed evidence of great skill and artistry.

From Sumeria have come examples of fine works in marble, diorite, hammered gold, and lapis lazuli. Here is a recently discovered Sumerian writing tablet, crudely carved from marble:


Scholars say that this Sumerian writing tablet is the first application of written language towards early engineering– the tablet contains never-before-seen etchings of plans to build a hollowed-out wooden boat. Historians are quick to note that this writing predates the earliest blueprints in ancient China.


No, wait a minute. That's actually Andrew's old-ass wallet that's held together with electrical tape and luck.


Whoops.

Words of Encouragement

Pictured below, some graffiti in a stall at a bar bathroom in Brooklyn:

How Insufferably Hipster is the Williamsburg Neighborhood in Brooklyn?

The Williamsburg neighborhood in Brooklyn is so insufferably hipster, that even the ice cream truck there is insufferably hipster.

Spotted At A Stoop Sale In Brooklyn

They call them "stoop sales" since nobody in NYC has a yard, by the way.


So the sign is saying the mattress doesn't have bedbugs, or is it addressed TO bedbugs to stay away?


This brings up an interesting point: who the hell buys a used mattress, bedbugs or not?

A Once-In-A-Lifetime, Three Second Video

Below, from the Celebrate Brooklyn show in August, possibly one of the very few videos that feature Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings and my mother-in-law in the same shot.

How To Tell The Seasons in Brooklyn

NY vs NJ

Since moving to Maplewood, NJ from Brooklyn, NY this EADJ reporter has noticed some serious cultural differences between the two fine cities.

Tools in Brooklyn:


Tools in Maplewood:



Garbage in Maplewood:


Garbage in Brooklyn:


Cart in Brooklyn:


Cart in Maplewood:


Wildlife in Maplewood:


Wildlife in Brooklyn:



A note in Maplewood:


A note in Brooklyn:

Spotted in Brooklyn

The guy at the Chinese restaurant finally replaces the missing "F" from his sign, thus avoiding any confusion over whether they also serve Irish food.

Taint Nobody's Business By My Own

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EADJ Q&A

Question: David, now that you've moved to Maplewood, New Jersey, is shopping at the Pathmark there any different from the one in Brooklyn?

Answer:

Bathing in a Brooklyn Basement

As I was moving boxes in the basement of my Brooklyn apartment, I discovered a once-used miniature shower.


It was a little more than 5' high, with a tiny slanted tile floor...


...and a small pipe without a shower head. It was claustrophobic and looked like it was baked from adobe.


Bizarro. It looks tiny enough only for Twikki, Emmanuel Lewis or David Spade.

New York City, The Most Exciting City In the World.

Pictured above, I present to you an abandoned, undersized Swiffer.

Maddening.

What compels people to do what they do? What could be the possible explanation for some things? I found this on a sidewalk in Brooklyn:



I looked on the Internet, and there's no band website that pops up (yet). So, why did someone write "The Sewage Worms" on a nametag? Was it part of a creative writing exercise? Some sort of label for a display about actual sewage worms? Did someone change their name to "The?"


There are some things Wikipedia, Google, and the information desk at the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, North Carolina have no answer for.

Bonus Brooklyn Car Badassery!

Something occurred on my street that I did not expect.

A man was asleep in an idling van. And not just any man.


Yes, my friends. It would appear that the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson has reentered my life.


There are tears in my eyes. There's a lump in my pants. Oh, SFVOSP, how I've missed you. How I've yearned for your return. Thank you, Jesus.

<3

Brooklyn Car Badassery

A minivan keeps it real:



And a guy refuses to stop farting in his "Incoln" Towncar:

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

Pictured below, a brand new mattress gets ruined by a homicide of some kind. Or either I've been hit by a shrink ray, and that's a regular sized maxipad.



Incidentally, this was on the same street that I spotted that rap video being taped. Just sayin'.

I Love Brooklyn

No, that's not a snarky or ironic headline. I do love Brooklyn. And here's another example why:

Yesterday, it was a beautiful sunny day, so J'Net and I headed out to some Red Hook Arts Festival on the water. But when we got to our car, we heard this really loud hip hop music playing. Right then, a rented U-Haul van drove by with its back doors wide open. From the back were two gentlemen in tuxedos and shades, lip synching to the rap song as some guy with a big film camera shot them from a shitty Toyota following the van. And the two rappers were throwing fake money all along the street.

Now, if there were such a thing as DavidCam, this is what you would have seen during this episode:

1) CU shot of me messing with my car keys. SFX: Loud hip hop music.

2) Medium shot from door handle to U-Haul van with hip hop guys, cameraman in Toyota.

3) Camera swing-pans over to J'Net, who is expressionless.

4) Camera swing-pans over to van and Toyota, disappearing around the corner.

But once in the car, we were lucky enough to have caught up with the filming crew. J'Net snapped this shot of them between takes: