Uh, A One-Two, One-Two.

Joel answered his front door today to find MC Serch and a camera crew out front.

The former 3rd Bass rapper and host of "The (White) Rapper Show" had inadvertently knocked on the wrong door, meaning to interview Joel's neighbor Juelz Santana.

The cameras were already rolling, so Serch had just asked Joel to drop a few freestyle rhymes. Fancying himself a pretty good MC, Joel started rapping, with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough beatboxing.

He had managed to rhyme "fresh" with "Tesh" and "night" with "aaiigght" before MC Serch told them to turn off the cameras. Everyone had left, but Joel was still in the flow of it all. Two of the cameramen patiently waited for him to finish so that he would eat their dicks.

(pictured above, an exciting new set of figurines that blame all their socioeconomic problems on Homies.)

Dick in an Upright and Locked Position

Joel had warm nuts in his mouth today.

Not the kind that you roast beside a skating rink. The kind that hang in pairs inside a huge, hairy scrotum. Yeah, that kind.

It was all a part of The United Way's Sucking Nuts For Diabetes, an annual event held by the Orange County Memorial Hospital. Its organizer Sue McCloskey had misheard that Joel eats other things besides dick and invited him to suck a pair of nuts for the children. An avid diabetic and a supporter of good causes, Joel said yes rather than correcting her.

Joel sucked nuts for exactly 6 hours last Saturday, fulfilling sponsors' bids and racking up an impressive $300 for diabetes research. Way to go, Suck Nutter! Now go eat a dick!

(pictured above, Delta Airlines condones that any evil action can be justified if it is done for a good purpose, meaning it's okay to murder a million puppies if that can get you to Tulsa for the conference)

Separated Afterbirth?

**UPDATE**

The Pedway Guide article refers to her as MS. Sue McCloskey. So if she did have the hottie chick as a daughter, it would have been as a single mother. No wonder that girl's so clingy.

+++ Sue McCloskey FOUND, TAGGED, and IDENTIFIED! +++

Eat A Dick Joel has scored yet another journalistic coup.

Mere months after video footage of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson emerged– thus proving his existence– an article in a local publication has been found, revealing the true identity and existence of Sue McCloskey, plagiarist and President of Ponte Fresco LLC. The uncredited article scooped The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Lillian Vernon Catalog, and it has started speculation that the Pulitzer Prize for journalism this year will go to EADJ (Since the Pedway Guide article is uncredited, Pulitzer rules state that the first blog that announces the article will get the prize).

"Shit," says Diane Sawyer, who was hoping to land the prize this year with her February interview with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, one of the first interviews granted to an American.

The Dow Jones has reached 13,000 points as a result of the Pedway Guide leak. The long running news show "Meet the Press" has changed its name to "Press the Meat" to be more "Eat A Dick Joel-like." Lou Dobbs has resorted to wearing mesh tank tops to show off his COCK BLOCK belly tat.

The Pedway article seems to have scored an actual sit-down interview with McCloskey, rather than just running one of Ponte Fresco's fluffy press releases. McCloskey talks about her reasons for starting a "fast casual" restaurant in Chicago in both a condescending and kissing-ass kind of way:

"We wanted to go to the heart of the American market," she says "where both the consumer and the competition are very smart."

McCloskey even throws in one of her trademark plagiarisms:

"If we can make it here, in Chicago, we can make anywhere."

In addition to opening up so publicly, Sue McCloskey adds another line to her oft-quoted Table Tent Manifesto. The new "alternate ending" sentence "We strive to live by this in our personal lives, and Ponte Fresco is all about manifesting this message in a clear and compelling food experience" raises the manifesto to new bullshit heights, reaffirming Ponte Fresco as the Eleven Dollar Salad place and cementing McCloskey as a true PR legend.


But what truly sends this article to the stratosphere (dong!) of journalistic excellence has to be the very first actual photo of Sue McCloskey. Confident and short, she seems to have sprouted from her very own salad toppings. Her hair is auburn and her eyes seem hazel (could she possibly be the mother of the auburn-haired hottie in the CVS "Mystery Couple" photo?). She also appears to shy away from the spotlight, preferring to stand at the end of the group. She also seems to flout the health code rules of Ponte Fresco, letting her bangs jut out from under her hat while making her underlings hide their locks.

Eat a Dick Joel is dusting off a Pulitzer-size space on the mantel. What.

False Alarm. *Whew*

An urgent report Friday had announced that Joel did NOT eat dick the previous day. After consulting various sources and celebrity blogs, we can safely say with certainty that that report was incorrect. Joel had in fact eaten 87 dicks on Thursday. That's an 87 dick disparity. Last time we consult the Drudge Report.

At a press conference held at a food court in a Richmond, Virginia mall, EADJ spokesperson Dwight Flannagan expressed both relief and anger. "While I am glad to hear that Joel has continued to eat the dicks he so dearly loves, I am angered at the inconsistency we have shown in reporting his dick-eating. I hereby resign as spokesperson of Eat A Dick, Joel. Thank you."

The press conference was met with shrugs from reporters and bystanders, who were pretty sure Dwight Flannagan was a fictional person, just like Sue McCloskey.

(pictured above, Brad proves time and again that he is indeed a treasure)

Jessica's Crack: An In-Depth Peek

(the following is an exclusive interview with Jessica's crack by EADJ field reporter Sue McCloskey)

SM: Thank you for coming.

JC: It's good to be here.

SM: So, let's get started. You've led a very public life, being the crack of an ass and all.

JC: Yes, that's true. But I believe it's a harsh misconception, and I've been trying to fight it all my life. I'm a very private person, actually.

SM: And Jessica seems so out there.


JC: She does, bless her heart. But try to separate the girl from the crack of her ass for a second?

SM: Okay.

JC: I myself don't crave the public eye. But the very fact that I am so large makes it hard to hide.

SM: You say you're large? How is that?

JC: (puffing a cigarette) I am unusually long for the crack of an ass. Where most people's ass cracks end three to four inches north of their butthole, mine stretches far beyond, almost to Jessica's waist.

SM: I see.

JC: (blowing out a long plume of smoke) Add to that the burden of Jessica wearing low-rider, hip-hugging jeans all the time, and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster.

SM: I hate that expression.

JC: Sorry.

SM: S'okay. So you've grown up in the public eye, and now you're pretty much a celebrity, whether you wanted to be or not. What's next for Jessica's crack?

JC: Well, I really love strutting my stuff, so I've signed on to appear in next season's "Dancing With the Stars," and I'm paired up with one of the members of Blackstreet.

SM: Omarion?

JC: No, you're thinking of B2K.

SM: Oh. And what else?

JC: (taking a sip from her chocolatini) I've signed a $500,000 deal with Penguin Books to write my memoirs. It's called "Tainted Memories– The Rise and Fall of Jessica's Butt Slit."

SM: Neat.

JC: I've also started a foundation in Boston for girls with long ass cleavage. It's called 2 Cheeks & Hope.

SM: That's so great of you. You seem so involved for an ass crack.

JC: I believe you can transcend expectations and be whatever you want to be. The fact that my main function is pushing out corn-ridden torpedoes and floating air biscuits doesn't hold me back from my dreams.

SM: I'm sure there are a lot of readers who can learn from your wise words, Jessica's crack.

JC: I hope so. (taking a bite of her black olive crostini) For the children's sake, I certainly hope so.

Tianna caught in another scandal

Just when you thought Tianna had faded from the headlines, a new scandal has broken that will not only rock her fanbase but put her entire career in jeopardy.

Former Penthouse Magazine publisher Bob Guccione has leaked some sexually graphic photos of Tianna from 1988. Guccione held a press conference from his Manhattan mansion, announcing that a full spread of Tianna will be published in the July issue of Penthouse. Guccione has denied that the photos are forgeries.

Tianna's publicist Sue McCloskey issued a severe condemnation of Guccione's decision.

"Tianna is devastated," McCloskey read from a press release, "Her family and close friends are deeply hurt by the release of these unfortunate photos."

She continued: "Every day we make choices that define us, choices of how we energize our body, nourish our mind and delight our soul. Every day is an opportunity to literally rebuild ourselves from the inside out, to boldy shape our own beauty."

Asked if Tianna plans to sue, McCloskey said "It is a physiological truth."

Meanwhile, Tianna has refused to leave her 30-acre compound. She has reportedly shaved her head and has been chewing on baby carrots for days. She has also been seen cleaning her extremely fluffy paws.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Emily Kane was complaining that she deserves credit for discovering Tianna back in February. Now she's not so sure she wants it.

"In the Nude," Sue McCloskey, We Hardly Knew Ye

(The following is the third entry of the popular series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

Local Heroes: Sue McCloskey

Today we remember those brave souls who gave their lives for the benefit of others. Little (or ‘whittle’ as she was often called) Sue McCloskey died tragically as she tried to save, unsuccessfully, her whittle wed twicycle from being run over by the big bad garbage truck.

These words were over heard at her funeral yesterday:

“What? Hmm..? Oh, I was here to visit my dear aunt. But that’s terrible.”
- John Borden, Town Mayor

“I like tricycles”
- Karl Johnson, CEO Tricycles Inc.

“What the hell do we need garbage trucks for anyways?”
-Karen McCloskey, Sue’s Mother

“I’m not dead, I’m really okay. No, really… I mean my leg’s broke, but I’m fine”
Sue McCloskey, 1996 – 2007

Tis a sad day indeed. Sue was an active member in the local community, contributing to local establishments such as Ron’s Big Time Candy Shoppe and Auto Detail, and Family Video with earnest. Karen and Arnold, Sue’s bereaved parents, have opened up a charity in memory of their sweet sweet wittle baby waby Sue.

Sue McCloskey. Myth or legend?

Since Friday's post ("Sue McCloskey is a Goddamned Plagiarist") the editors at EADJ have officiously and furiously searched the web for more information regarding the supposed President of Ponte Fresco LLC.

The total lack of information about either Ponte Fresco LLC or Sue McCloskey leads us to believe that:

1) Sue McCloskey is a false name for someone in the 225 North Michigan building, or someone who doesn't exist at all.

2) Ponte Fresco LLC is actually a front for a white slavery cartel in Indonesia.

3) Al Qaeda is involved in the making of delicious, energizing salads that delight the soul and nourish the body.

4) Oral sex is majorly enhanced with a pinky in the ass and Altoids in Joel's mouth. Or is it Altoids in the ass and a pinky in Joel's mouth?

The only bullet point confirmed as yet is, obviously, number 3.

(pictured above, more of Brad Harvey's treasures)

Sue McCloskey is a goddamned plagiarist.