Today We Say Goodbye To Stuff Advertisers Tell Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories On InfoWars

The scribes at InfoWars continue to crank out an endless stream of half-baked, unconfirmed, and plain batshit crazy conspiracy stories for Alex Jones to belch out on the air. Here are some stories that will hit the airwaves soon:

• The cheese in crackers in cheese snack packs is expended plutonium from past nuclear tests

• Miss Cleo predicted the housing bubble of 2008

• Tiddlywinks is of the Devil

• Your mother and I have an announcement to make

• Democrats are trying to use "votes" in "elections" to gain positions in government

• Creamed spinach is neither in the produce aisle NOR the dairy section. WHAT THE FUCK

• Amber says she likes you

• So-called green initiatives are actually secret recruitment methods by eco-terrorists to indoctrinate young people into suicide bombing corporations using explosive pine cones

• There are no Belgian embassies in Belgium

• CNN is operated almost entirely remotely by zebra centaurs on Neptune

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories To Be Featured On InfoWars

Alex Jones's crack team of conspiracy writers have been gracious enough to share with us another exclusive sneak peek at shows they're working on. Here's what to expect in the coming weeks:

• Chore Boy scrubber pads are "Big Copper's" trick to get you into buying more copper.

• It turns out the Matrix is real and THE REAL WORLD IS THE SIMULATION! WAKE UP PEOPLE or GO TO SLEEP or something!

• Rage Against the Machine is a prefab band created by boy band guru Lou Pearlman to cater to more rebellious teens

• Ironically, RFID chips are inserted into every episode of CHiPs to spy on you.

• Every time a server at El Torito offers you "fresh guacamole", decline because it's actually a trick to get you to surrender your civil rights. (needs work)

• Neon signs don't actually contain neon gas but the souls of aborted babies, and every time a sign blinks, it hurts them.

• Everyone who works or has ever worked at a Zales jewelry store are werewolves.

The Triumphant Return of Batshit Screamdick

Since having his show InfoWars banned from almost every social platform in 2018, Alex Jones has continued to persevere and air his conspiracy show in places like Quibi and that little TV over the gas pump.

As a special service, EADJ offers a sneak peek at some dumbshit issues that he will tackle on upcoming shows:

• How Jordache, Dockers and the "Big Denim" industry force you to wear pants in public

• The Civil War: A False Flag Event?

• White Slavery Is Happening Now But I Don't Know Where. Probably At Black Colleges?

• Cancel Culture and AntiFa. Just Saying Those Words Makes Me SEETHE!

• I Call Up Handicapped Kids And Make Fun of Them Because They're Probably Faking It

• Connecting With My Spirit Animal: The Dung Beetle

Procedures and Treatments NOW Approved By Your Health Insurance!

Historically, the country's major healthcare insurance providers have been very restrictive of the types of treatments they'll pay for, from adult dental services to infertility treatments to long-term care for seniors.

But in a recent progressive move, the nation's major health insurance companies have all agreed to expand their coverage. Here is a short list of the medical services they will now pay for:

• Sprained wrist from writing checks to them

• the "vapors"

• offsite gynecological exams

• stumpism

• Kohl's Disease

• Affluenza

• Any leg or foot therapy from lobbying in Washington for any legislation to favor major healthcare providers

• The Alabama Shakes

• kink shame

More Info Wars Conspiracies In Development

Alex Jones's band of talented conspiracy writers work 'round the clock to give you the freshest, most mooseshit right-wing theories on "Info Wars." Here are just a few of those items that Alex plans to squeeze out his mouth hole next week:

• If you don't say "amen" after saying grace at dinner, Planned Parenthood opens another clinic.

• Apple's Siri is actually an ISIS operative. Think about it– they use the SAME EXACT LETTERS

• Fresh guacamole is made from illegal immigrant women's tears, which is why it is so goddamned DELICIOUS Y'ALL

• Hillary Clinton is a T-800 model Terminator sent from the past to kill Donald Trump Jr. before he can father more Trumps. Luckily, she failed and is awaiting decommissioning.

• The X-Men movie series are coded with frequencies to hypnotizing you into forgetting that your life is a series of disappointing failures and missteps and that you should probably stop spreading hate to cover up your personal failures.

• Anal warts was originally created in a lab by Democrats to reduce the size of the voting population so that only uninfected could pick the next President. Clearly this backfired, and the anal-warted almost elected another Obama-type in 2016. WE MUST REMAIN STRONG!

Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

If you're an irredeemable far right lunatic, you'll be interested in the tinfoil hat horseshit that Info Wars plans to serve up in the coming week. Here's an exclusive sneak peek into the next AJ rants that you can quickly spread among your gullible, shithead friends:

• The soundtrack score to "Black Panther," when transcribed into sheet music and laid over a map of Washington DC, shows all the secret entry points that black people will use to overthrow the government during the upcoming race war.

• Every hand carwash employs at least one CIA operative who is there to plant a tracking device in your car. The tips you give them fund the entire operation, so don't tip.

• Handicapped ramps secretly contain radioactive waste to slowly give people in wheelchairs superhuman powers which they will use to enslave the able-bodied.

• The Dave Matthews Band's 2009 "Big Whiskey & the GrooGrux King" is the most underrated album in his discography. Go give it another listen!

• People who allegedly "pass gallstones" are actually mules for smuggling cruelty-free diamonds from South Africa into the country, thus destabilizing the entire diamond industry.

• That one member of Boyz II Men who refused to join the reunion tour knows something– I'm sure of it. I bet it has to do with the JFK assassination or Whitewater.

A Sneak Peak At Info Wars's Upcoming Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones is a batshit cockdick. His extreme right lies have been lovingly handcrafted from artisanal bullshit and blended with hand-yanked suckwackery to bring you a varietal of potent shitshittery that goes down smooth to the dumbfucks who want to hear it. He and Info Wars have graciously given EADJ a preview of the tenuous nonfactual connections and manufactured fictions that they are about to squeeze from their buttocks to your willing ears. Here are a few things to look forward to from them:

• Camelot Music was started by a young Hillary Clinton in the 80s to spread AIDS on cassette

• Changing rooms are infected with CIA gonorrhea to convert Christians to slutty gay squirrels

• Since 2006, all Democratic house members have been elaborate overhead transparencies

• The musical group Maroon 5 gets a royalty check every time someone says the word "empowered."

• The show "Goof Troop" was pretty good
• Wendy's chili is actually made from the meat of killed Native American DACA protesters
• Vermont isn't a real state but a marketing scam perpetuated by liberals Ben & Jerry.
• Impotent conservative rage doesn't actually make your dick shrink. That's from cocaine.
• Oprah and Lady Gaga run weekly lesbian vegan satanic drug orgies from Build-A-Bear Workshops.

Forbidden Conversation Topics When You Go Pumpkin Picking

It's that time of the year again- to go with your loved ones to the local farm and pick out pumpkins for decoration or cooking. Of course, after you get there, it gets pretty boring in that field and you'll want to start a conversation. For when you do, here are some topics you SHOULD NOT bring up during your trip to that patch:

• Your 12 miscarriages

• How lazy black people are

• Your shitty podcast

• AIDS

• How iTunes ruined the music business

• The animation style of "Star Wars Rebels" vs. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars"

• Deadly vermin found in pumpkin patches

• The old horror movie "Basket Case"

• People you've murdered and buried in this pumpkin patch

• How lazy Mexicans are

• How your "gaydar" has improved lately

• Hey, remember Michele Bachmann?

• Why your penis curves

• Christmas

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Duck Handled Umbrellas

You've seen 'em in stores. You've spotted them in terrible catalogs. You've even seen fat, un-marry-able women carrying them on overcast days. They're duck-handled umbrellas, and they're more annoying than they are charming.

No, let me change that. They're 80 times more annoying than they are charming. Meaning for whatever slight amusement they give one owner, they make 80 people want to kill them.

What's the attraction? "Hey, everybody, I've got a surprising, whimsical handle on my umbrella!" No, you're carrying around a perfectly functional umbrella that's been ruined by a lapse in good taste.

"Nice weather for ducks" is the expression I imagine duck-handled umbrellas are referencing. And what an archaic, unfunny "Family Circus" expression it is. Why not make an "I Dunno" or a "Not Me" umbrella instead? Do you understand that reference? You suck.

"Well, maybe they're for children," you might propose. No, if those umbrellas were really for children, they'd have Spider-Man handles and My Pretty Ponies printed all over the umbrella itself with an embedded playable Nintendo in the shaft. No, a real umbrella for kids would actually be fun, not a half-assed, hastily-painted carving of a duck's head. The people who own these types of umbrellas aren't allowed anywhere near children.

Even more detailed, more expensive versions of the duck-handled umbrella are tacky and unnecessary. All they do is make people question your judgement even more. Fuck duck-handled umbrellas with an angry, rain-soaked mallard penis.

♫ And We Can't Stop... And We Won't Stop... ♪

"Sharknado" has already been aired on SciFi twice and even in movie theatres, but that hasn't stopped us from continuing to suggest and submit alternate taglines to the filmmakers.

Contextual Advertising.

New Teen Law

"From this day forward, all teens must end their names with an exclamation point with a weird triangle as the top part."

Let's Thump the Bottom of the EADJ Mail Sack To Get Ketchup Out!

Spotted by J'Net in Chinatown:



I guess it's understandable seeing how there are ducks hanging in the adjacent window. But still, how awkward.

Possibly a New EADJ Feature: JERFIELD!

We took word balloons from the character Jon in "Garfield" and put them on Jerald Johnson's photo. The results so far have been spectacular.

(click to enlarge)



Works with "Andy Capp" and "Peanuts" word balloons, too!

September Curlz

(pictured above, even comic book stores are not immune to Curlz)

Curlz Before Swine

(pictured above, a set of pens tries to encourage our fat kids to "get out and play!")

A nice sit-down with Alexander Duckworth

EADJ was fortunate to meet and interview Alexander Duckworth, Joel's longtime agent and friend.

We met him poolside at the beautiful Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. In a crisp Hugo Boss seersucker suit and sunglasses, Alexander was confident and pleasant. He answered our questions as he sipped an extra dirty martini with blue cheese filled olives.

EADJ: So thank you for showing up this time, pisshead.

AD: My pleasure.

EADJ: What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you still represent Joel, that asshole?

AD: Joel has an amazing energy and creative focus that I don't see in a lot of talent in this town. I've stayed his agent because I believe he can reach the stratosphere.

EADJ: Dong!

AD: What?

EADJ: Nothing.

AD: (silence)

EADJ: You're such a cocksucker. Why are you such a fucking pussy cunt dickhead?

AD: I'm in this business because I love the creative process of filmmaking. I want to help bring the best out of people and help them put their dreams on screen.

EADJ: Eat my asshole, you tard fuck. You sicken me.

AD: Thanks for having me.

(pictured above, my cabbie this morning really, really doesn't care)

Let's Pry Open That Thar EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured above, Brad Harvey submits some classic Dex advertising)