"The First Time You Marry For Love,The Second For Money, And The Third For Pathmark."

UAG

This Week In Informative Religious Subway Tracts

The New York subway system offers plenty of opportunities to both urinate and read. Religious-types know this latter fact well and use the new-fangled practice of "printing" to urge random strangers to change their personal religious beliefs to match their own. Here are two that we recently came across:

1) Mrs. Taylor's Big Bag of Hybrid Voodoo/Jesus Crotchcrockery

(Click to enlarge and read)


"Mrs. Taylor and she says..." begins this flyer. Apparently we've walked in on someone in the middle of the sentence. How rude of us.



Mrs. Taylor has somehow mixed in greed, religiosity and belief in the occult to a cheesy flyer for her psychic services. So I guess this doesn't really qualify as a religious tract, per se.




2) The Anti-UPC Scanner Urgency Manifesto

(Click to enlarge and read)


As many conspiracy theories go, this flyer goes on and on. Basically, it warns you to resist barcodes of any kind, because the number 666 will be on a bar code, and Satan will come get you, etc. etc.


The fact is, Satan WILL get you. But why single out barcode technology as the gateway to his dark reign? Because it's new and scary? Well, the fact is barcodes have been in common use since the 1960s.


No, the reason why this flyer says it's evil is because it's so universal. "Today, leading-edge biometric technologies include fingerprint readers, hand-geometry machines, retinal readers, voice recognition systems, signature dynamics, and a myriad of others." Universal systems of identification are inherently EVIL because their existence sort of kind of matches up with a Bible verse:

"And he causeth all, both great and small, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads...Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast; for it is the number of a man: and his number is Six hundred three-score and six." (Revelations 13:16-18)

So, anything universal that helps organize or catalog people, like say a ZIP code, or social security number is laying the groundwork for the Devil's hoary kingdom. And any system that marks your head or right hand is also suspect. So another reason to avoid dance clubs than just the ridiculous cover.




tl;dr: You should NOT get a barcode on your right hand or forehead. Because you will go to Hell. So don't.




Bonus: Zazzle tshirt wingding conspiracy pigfuck

See, This Is How You Do It.

Spotted on the NJ Transit Train from NYC, a fellow commuter has it all figured out:




A) Brown-bagged Coors Light purchased at Penn Station

B) iPod cranking either Pussy Cat Dolls or Steve Earle

C) Wallet opened to show monthly pass for when conductor comes by

D) Blackberry to text mistress/boyfriend that he forgot his Vicodin in the hotel room

E) 9mm gun hidden in satchel for when the wife finds out about mistress/boyfriend and leaves him, taking the house, children, and car and forcing him to live at the local motel with nothing but a meth addiction and a box of KFC.

An Estoye Family Tradition

So for four years in a row now, the Estoye family has made it a grand Christmas tradition to not cook and go eat at Denny's instead. (Yeah, I know it's like two months late for this post, but I just had to get that Intimate Agony movie review out ASAP.) We've consistently picked Denny's for the value, the prices, and the great prices we get on value. Plus if you've ever seen the inside of my parents' fridge, you'd not want to eat there, either.

What Dave Levy Lev'd Behind, Parto Quatro

Introducing: Tara Humann– Account Supervisor, and pretty good actress.

Dick with a Side Order of Joel

FREE CAR WASH!

That was the latest ploy by our hero Joel to get more dick eaten in a day. He decided, why not just find where there's a lot of dick, and reroute it to his mouth?

So he decided on Wilshire West, a popular car wash on West Wilshire Blvd. There's a line of cars snaking out to Wilshire Blvd at all hours. Lots of men of different ethnic backgrounds standing around waiting. So many choices— it's like a dick pu-pu platter!

So Joel put on his tightest jean shorts, a mesh "NO FEAR" tank top, and his favorite pair of Oakleys and put up a sign at a parking lot across the street from Wilshire West that said FREE CARWASH HERE!!!!

Within minutes, the entire lane of cars had moved over to get serviced by Joel. Joel was ecstatic! But what he hadn't thought out was how to wash cars AND eat dick at the same time. Most patrons were more concerned about the bird pu-pu on their windshield than having their dick eaten by a 38-year old in jean shorts.

So Joel ended up spending 16 hours washing dudes' cars for free. He only ate 3 dicks out of the deal, too. So much for that hare-brained scheme.

(pictured above, an un-enhanced scan of a local eatery's menu, specializing in ostrich burgers and disturbing smoothies.)

Asscheeky Monkey

(Editor's Note: EADJ has been fortunate to have recently met up with Joel Himself in L.A. recently. The full interview and photo spread will be posted soon.)

Joel's getting more famous by the day.

Just yesterday, Dora the Explorer made an allusion to Joel on its program. While looking for "The Big Red Chicken," Dora mentions to her monkey companion Boots how their search is a lot like Joel's never-ending search for dick to eat. Kewl!

Restoration Hardware has announced a new line of outdoor furniture designed for Joel and his al fresco dick eating. The Coctoss armless chaise, for example, allows for adjustable reclining with a kneeling area and a jawrest, boasting weatherproof linen cushions and solid teak legs. $869, with free shipping.

In the most recent issue of Hustler Barely Legal, a woman dresses up as Joel and eats two dudes' dicks in an "homage/tribute." Hustler's editors wrote that they even recreated Joel's shitty studio apartment. The issue has been so popular that a copy can now go for $45 on eBay.

Joel has his own entry in Wikipedia! The entry breaks down his forty dick-eating techniques, his cultural significance, a full list of the celebrity cocks that he's eaten, and many, many misspellings.

(pictured above, Brad does some Curlz at his goodbye party)