"Women Are the Real Pathmarks of Society."

Weird Advert

Spotted online, an ad for home equity loans, featuring a very confusing visual:

I get the "DIP into your equity" connection, but why an avocado? That doesn't seem to be part of the Lending Tree brand (and I understand avocados grow on trees). 

And is that a nacho shaped float in the pool? Why is the chip so much smaller than the avocado? I'm also concerned about that white towel that's about to fall off the side.

Also, as avocados go, that one sucks because look how huge the pit is and how little pulp is left.

Final grade: F

Some Upcoming Movie Releases Based On The Names of Flower Bouquets At Safeway

Having optioned every novel, comic book, television show, and short film property as full length feature films, the major studios in Hollywood have no choice but to start mining the floral section of the Safeway in College Park, Maryland for movie ideas. Because who wants to write original material anymore.

The following movies are already in production and are slated for theaters as soon as March 2016:

"Spider Mum," starring Sally Field, Andrew Garfield, and Topher Grace. Directed by Zach Znyder

Sony Pictures re-re-reboots the flagging Spider-Man series in the hope that people will still give a shit about a franchise that was fine the first time around. Sally Field reprises her role as Aunt May, but this time she's the one bitten by the radioactive spider and takes on the heavy responsibilities of fighting corruption in local politics and ensuring that four-way stop signs get installed around the local elementary school. Also starring Key & Peele as Doc Ock and Vulture.

"Pom" starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Stellan Skarsgård, and Chiwetel Ejiofor.

Three award-winning actors with hard to pronounce names turn down really terrific roles for a movie, mistakenly reading the script as "Porn" with poor kerning.

"Vibrant Orange Petite" starring Rebel Wilson, Amanda Seyfried and Beth Behrs. Directed by Elizabeth Banks.

The actress from Fat Amy from "Pitch Perfect" is back, starring as a girl who opens her own tanning salon (Orange Petite) across the street from the bitchy sorority sisters (Seyfried and Behrs) who already have a successful day spa FOR THIN GIRLS ONLY. Soundtrack by Meghan Trainor, Adele, Kelly Clarkson and Mary Lambert. That's mean.

"East Coasts Best" starring Chris Rock, Giancarlo Esposito, and Taraji P. Henson. Directed by McG.

A successful real estate tycoon (Esposito) hires a hip local comedian (Rock) as the face of his new condo business, with disastrous results. Also starring Patrick Warburton as Norman the Doorman.

"Lily Asiatic" starring Devon Aoki, Naomi Watts and Jon Cryer. Directed by Michael Bay and Peter Berg.

A naval captain (Watts) and a space station crewman (Cryer) team up to stop a deadly typhoon, a zombie outbreak and an alien invasion from devastating a Japanese island. Devon Aoki plays Lily, a marine biologist with an untapped supernatural power. CG by Jim Henson's Muppet Workshop. Script still pending.

Let's Celebrate The EADJ Mail Sack's Birthday On A Day That's Convenient For Us!

Submitted by Tom Weingard: "Nice description, Getty."

Click to enlarge and read

 

 

Too lazy to click and enlarge? Fuck it. Here it is bigger.

Still can't read that? Fuck you:

Title: Senior Couple Having Fun Sniffing Flowers

Description: A beautiful senior damsel is making believe her handsome senior prince is offering a fabulous rose. She sniffs the tiny sprout as if in a dream. But alas, this senior prince appears resigned to participating in yet another Kodak moment he'd never have believed possible. Grandma is holding the walking stick she's been using while walking together with Grandpa on a trail at the nature park. Desaturated image.

Spotted In Penn Station

Pictured above, a pun becomes literal.

The Pathmark of the Righteous Is Beset On All Sides By Random, Mis-shelved Items

Onward, Upward, and Inward.

Joel went to a flower show this week!

He attended "Reflections," a California Garden Club event in sunny Griffin Park. The good thing about this venue is the Visitors Center Auditorium, which seats about 2500 flower enthusiasts and can be converted into a fabulous show room.

Joel was hoping to view some hydrangeas and azaleas, his favorite flowers besides the dick. And although he did manage to catch a few arrangements that piqued his interest, he did notice that there were hardly any dick.

You see, flower shows in L.A. are notorious for not having enough dick. Joel has brought this up with the Los Angeles Flower District Association (the LAFD) multiple times, with no answer. But understandably, the LAFD has refused to include dick in most of their shows after a 2002 incident where Joel ate all of the dick on the first day. So there's that.

(pictured above, a self-styled music critic/vandal goes all aggro in Brooklyn)

Curlz in the Family

(pictured above, the painful realization that one's future sister-in-law uses Curlz to represent her wooden-flower-centerpiece business. Phone numbers and email address have been blurred out to protect the innocent)

Asscheeky Monkey

(Editor's Note: EADJ has been fortunate to have recently met up with Joel Himself in L.A. recently. The full interview and photo spread will be posted soon.)

Joel's getting more famous by the day.

Just yesterday, Dora the Explorer made an allusion to Joel on its program. While looking for "The Big Red Chicken," Dora mentions to her monkey companion Boots how their search is a lot like Joel's never-ending search for dick to eat. Kewl!

Restoration Hardware has announced a new line of outdoor furniture designed for Joel and his al fresco dick eating. The Coctoss armless chaise, for example, allows for adjustable reclining with a kneeling area and a jawrest, boasting weatherproof linen cushions and solid teak legs. $869, with free shipping.

In the most recent issue of Hustler Barely Legal, a woman dresses up as Joel and eats two dudes' dicks in an "homage/tribute." Hustler's editors wrote that they even recreated Joel's shitty studio apartment. The issue has been so popular that a copy can now go for $45 on eBay.

Joel has his own entry in Wikipedia! The entry breaks down his forty dick-eating techniques, his cultural significance, a full list of the celebrity cocks that he's eaten, and many, many misspellings.

(pictured above, Brad does some Curlz at his goodbye party)