The Newest Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

"Even heartbreak feels good in a place like this."

That's total bullshit, but being an AMC Stubs member does make heartbreak a little easier to bear, thanks to the latest perks and bonuses such a membership can get you. Check it out:

• You can sleep in our projection room with your friends and survive a catostrophic comet extinction because of the lead-lined walls

• Free Jujubes if you can find them

• AMC Stubs members can drive drunk in our parking lot (we are NOT responsible for DUIs off of theatre property)

• You can use the exclusive SKIP button that appears on all movie trailers

• 3D movies will have a 45% less chance of sexually assaulting you

• Members can watch up to 4 movies a week, for free! Who needs a life?

• Free lasik surgery for anyone who forgot their glasses

UAG

Once Again, We Need To Find Time To Say Goodbye To All the Things Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: Special Unintentional Star Trek Edition

The following are all examples of clothes that unintentionally looked like they were from Star Trek:

"Wrath of Khan" look from the movie "Suspiria":

"The Next Generation" look from the last administration (yuck):

And from across the pond:

The Original Series look from a nearby track (complete with tricorders):

Live long and prosper, accidental Trekkies!

Happy Valentine's Day From Eat A Dick, Joel

We know it's not much, but we wanted to get you something nice for Valentine's. And we know you said specifically not to get you anything, but we love you baby and wanted to show you how we feel.

Anal tonight? :)

EADJ's New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year! We at EADJ are excited for a fresh start, so here is a list of our New Year's resolutions:

• Stop ordering a venti soy latte at Dunkin

• Win a fight with a bouncer

• Get my body bikini ready for summer 

• Start working on that Bee Gees biopic again

• MORE MUCILAGE

• Call your mother back

• Prepare for Lent

• Connect with the universe like some New Age idiot

• Make you like me

• Learn the lyrics to Daft Punk's "Around The World"

Emerson, Lake, Pathmark, and Young

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

TV Shows to be added:

Real Unattractive, Obese Housewives

So You Think You Can Conjugate

MasterChef Junior-Junior: Fetus Edition

The Suburban Drug Dealer Who You're Supposed To Like

Caucasian Lyft Drivers: The Documentary

TV Shows to be removed:

Flip a Coin! The Game Show Where You Flip a Coin!

Pawn Shop Janitors

War Wars

The Suburban Mom Who's A Terrorist You're Supposed To Like

Baby Taxidermist

Movies to be added:

The Gerunding

Sharkvocado!

The Unauthorized Biography of Biographer Kitty Kelley, starring Holly Hunter in a convincing wig

Tad and Amanda Meet on Tinder and Fuck But Never Speak To Each Other Again

Movies to be removed:

The Shining III: Maybe Stephen King Will Like This One

Poison Porpoise: Dolphin of Death

Mafia Plumber

Anachronistic Teenage Sex Comedy!

Your Guide To Living Excellently By Steve Bannon

Hi guys.

Steve Bannon here. I'm sure a lot of you are wondrering why I would make time in my already busy schedule to write a column on an unknown blog about how to live excelently. Well, it's because I care about you people, and I wanted to share the secrets I've dicovered that can get you to where I am now. So let's begin and HAVE SOME FUN!

The first thing we need to address in this wonderful 3-part series is CAPITLASISM. From the lemonade stand on your corner to the multicongolmeate international corporations you see today, we need to feed the wheels of industry to make society pay for its liberal sins of civil rights SUCCEED!

And how do we do this? Simple! In addition to continuing the honored traditions of nationalism, sexual modesty, patriarchy, and religion, we have to GO OUT TO EAT!  That ensures that all the rules of society don't break down into orgies, civil disobedience and miscegenation. Also, TIP YOUR WAITRESSES! They work hard, and you gotta give it up to them for doing they're job so well!

Am I making sense? I hope so. I'm writting this on a Blackberry in a limo bound for GOLDEN CORRAL!!!!! That's right. I PATRICE WHAT I PREACH and I am feeding the weels of industry by spending my hard earned white money into an honest white Christian business. PROGRESS!

Okay enough fun for my first entry. I spilled some pork n beans on my suit pants here. Also I think I'm either getting a goiter or there's a squirrel under my chin. SEE YOU SOON!

Love and white power,

Steve

An Open Letter To "Nyosha G"

Dear Nyosha G,

Thank you so much for the wonderful package from Bedbathbeyond.com. Like your sticker on the side says, it was certainly packed with pride. I have never seen a showerhead so meticulously prepared for shipping the way you lovingly prepared its uncertain journey. You certainly take *PRIDE* in your job.

A couple of questions: That one loose sheet of paper among all the packing peanuts that had the hand-scrawled message "PLEASE HELP ME" in crayon. That was a joke, right, Nyosha? Thought so! Good one! LOL

Also, along the side of the box, there were some odd numbers that didn't match my tracking number. They looked like this:

6.1750° S, 106.8283° E

Now, my husband tells me that those are actually global coordinates to a small sweatshop in Jakarta, Indonesia, but he's an X-Files fan, and you can't trust him with his silly conspiracy theories!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to thank you for packing such a wonderful package, Nyosha G.  The showerhead will be a lovely present for my Aunt Hazel, and I'll be sure I'll tell her "hey" for you!

Take care, dear!

Chelsea D

Bangor, Maine

A Special Pre-Valentines Day Message From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.



----- Forwarded Message ----
From: cialis@2934.kadsf.tv
To: mailinglist@mindspring.com
Sent: Mon, January 9, 2012 9:28:55 PM
Subject: Fw: [Fwd: INSPIRING PHOTOS!!!!!]

THIS IS WONDERFUL. GREAT PICTURES AND GREAT ADVICE.
The irony of these beautiful photos is that we may never have seen them if the artist hadn't died prematurely at age 57 when his plane crashed on February 6th, 2010.
Carlos Alberto was from Mendoza, Peru, one of the provinces next to the Andes. absolutely magnificent photos
>
>
>
>
>
(no content)
>
>
>
>
>



Hotmail: Free, trusted and rich email service. Get it now. =

A Word On Christmas Cards

Everybody enjoys receiving Christmas cards. It's a time-honored seasonal gesture that keeps people in touch with each other. But there are families that are too happy to send a card that is little more than a captioned photo of their kids.


Sure, it's pretty likely that the friends and loved ones that they've sent cards to are wondering how their kids are. But to just send a photo of your children with hardly a signature or bit of personalization is oddly both thoughtful and thoughtless.


Now, I'm not complaining about receiving Christmas cards– I'm grateful to still be on your list after what happened with my flask at Denny's. I'm just saying that a photo of your kid is not a photo of your entire family. What, did your nose fall off after you climbed Everest?




Oh, but even WORSE than a baby photo Christmas card is the dreaded Christmas family update letter. This has to be the biggest, douchetastic thing you can send to everyone you know– essentially junk mail where you brag about your kid's teeth growing in or your improved golf handicap. Fucking lazy, thoughtless egotism. Write us each a real letter if you're so proud, you cocknut.

An Old Document From My Chicago Days

The following letter was submitted to the creative recruiter of a Chicago ad agency by a "Heather M." looking for a job as junior copywriter. Needless to say, it was not your standard cover letter.

Click to read. It's *totally* worth it.



So everyone in the creative department had a good laugh over Heather's absurd letter, from the very opening sentence "When we DIE" to "Another touch of pink next to that green, please." Even the sign off, instead of a simple "Sincerely," there's that fantastic pseudo-haiku. Truly an unintentional work of comic genius.

But the thing was, we wanted to tell this girl that a cover letter like that would SCARE prospective employers away; it was just way too artsy and out there. So we wanted to give her this constructive criticism without revealing our identity. The solution: call Heather from a cell phone with a blocked number and play a message using text-to-speech. The message sounded a lot like this.

We called the number, left the mysterious message on her voicemail, and let the universe correct itself. We never heard from Heather again.

We did, however, receive an excellent piece of art based on the infamous letter, created by the ad agency's own PRESIDENT! We were astonished that he had taken the time to make it:


Holy Lord. We all had a lot of free time back then.

An Open Letter To Pizza Burger

Hi Pizza Burger,

What's up. Not much here. Guess I haven't eaten you in a while. I guess I took me some time to really think about our relationship, and it's probably time we had a talk.

No, don't worry. I'm not mad at anything you did. To be honest, when I saw you being eaten by that guy at the diner on Union Street, I really didn't mind.

You see, I think we're done. And although many breakups begin with "it's not you, it's me," it really feels like it's you this time.


I was certainly attracted to the whole idea of you when we first met back in high school. What? A BURGER with PIZZA FLAVOR? Hells, yes! But either blame it on my ignorance on how burgers work or on my callow optimism, but I was really into you. The snack bar at the bowling alley. The Montreal Café in North Carolina. Even the airport TGI Friday's. All were tawdry attempts at deliciousness, only to be met with a stomach ache and gassy cramps.


But in my desire to somehow make it work, I kept on ordering you whenever I saw you on a menu. I was convinced that there had to be more to you than just some melted mozzarella and tomato sauce slapped on a burger. So I kept on letting you disappoint me and abuse my intestines like that.


But now that I'm older, I've seen you for what you are. A sham. You're nothing more than a poor burger trying to mask its inadequacies by tarting yourself up like a pizza. But you're not a delicious slice of pizza, you never were. So take off all that mozzarella and tomato paste. Seriously, you're embarrassing yourself.

Call me when you're ready to grow up,

EADJ

A Response.

Dear Eat A Dick Joel Enterprises,

It has come to our attention that your blog's writer(s?) disapprove(s?) of vagina-shaped logos, saying they're ill-suited for representing one's business. We could disagree more. There is nothing wrong with the yonic shape of the female genitalia. After all, we were all birthed from one. Or in the case of us who were born Caesarian, we were conceived through one. Or in the case of us who were fertilized in vitro AND were born Caesarian, uh, never mind that group. Those are fucking freakjobs.


Anyhoo, we at Kayak.com would just like to defend our logo against your snide remarks. Although our logo is obviously based on a kayak shape with a nice visual pun of an eye to reinforce our search capabilities, the fact that it happens to resemble a woo-woo does not detract from its beauty or relevance. Hell, all of us could use a little poontang when traveling, am I right, fellas? LOL!


But seriously, the sexual repression that graphic design has been under is starting to erode. Women are being prouder of their genitals than ever. The yonic shape is starting to be a popular element not only in design but in pop culture as well. Just look at David Cook's new album cover:


In summary, blah blah blah blah pussy logo good blah blah lazy blah blah,

Sincerely,
Henry Paulson,
President of Kayak.com and United States Treasury Secretary

Another Late Graffiti Entry

(pictured above, an amorous and creative vandal expresses his feelings for Nicole. Even though she's a slut.)

Later, During the Conference Call...

What Dave Levy Lev'd Behind, Part 3

Joanne reads a very special missive.

Eleven Dollar Salad!

Joel took some time out of his busy schedule today to actually answer some old Civil War love letters. Here are a couple:

(Letter from Sallie Seeper Scott of Lower Chanceford, PA to Robert Bennett, Chief Carpenter Shop in Washington, D.C.)

April the 16
Good Morning My dear friend
this is quite a pleasant morning
I almost forgot to tell you that
I got a letter about 2 week ago
forwarded from the president A
Lincoln but the next one he sends
to me he had beter not get you
to write it + I won't be so sure to
know that it came from you my
Dearest friend + only lover + loveing
Bob well I think I will haft to
draw my leter to a close for the present
time by telling you to write soon all
at presant from your kind friend
Sallie S. Scott to
Robert Barnett you said that you
wanted me to send you a stamp or
thats what I took it to be from the
way you had it speld I havent any
3 cts ones but will send you all the
one cent ones that I have at this time
I forgot the old hors he is doing well
only there is someting rong with his neck
so he cant put his hed down to drink
Sallie Seeper Robert James write soon

Dear Sallie,
Spelling! It's obviously your poor public education that got you to misspell "loving" so consistently. Pennsylvania blows. But it's finally good to hear from you. The mail service has been so inconsistent since the battle of Hanover. Maybe Fedex next time? And don't worry about the stamps, just email me– not my AOL, cuz I'm closing that one. Try my gmail instead! LOL!

Kisses,
Joel

ps. If Blackie can't lower his head, just pour some water into his feedbag. Or set a bowl on the top of the chiffarobe for him to drink.



(Letter from an unknown soldier writing from Nashville, Tennessee, to his friend Ettie.)

Nashville Tenn Jany 5th 64

Friend Ettie

I believe I am not indebted to you by way of letter, but for your kindness to me I will write you a few lines. It is quite cool Weather here now and some snow upon the ground but not enough to make sleighing. I wish I wish I were in Hillsdale today I think I would call around to friend Ettie and go out a Sleighing. Soon I am agoing to settle down and get married.

What a novel Idea that is, perhaps you will not believe it but I am not joking. I am not quite an old Bach yet but I fear I will be before long.

If you know of some good looking amiable young Lady that wish to change her situation in life, just mention the fact to her, and tell her there is a Soldier in the Army that wishes to marry in less than two years after his time expires in the Army.

I am yours
verry truly
xxxxx


Dear Unknown Soldier Dude,

You can't beat around the bush like that, man. Just frickin' ASK HER TO MARRY YOU! You obviously are trying the "hanging out until you become more than friends" angle, which believe me, is so not worth it. I once hung out with this chick who works at Borders Café, listening to her blab on and on about Ya-Ya Sisterhood and whatnot, and a month into it, she told me she thought I was dateable UNTIL we started hanging out so much. Fucking A! Bitches, man.

Joel

p.s. Sleighing?! That's such tourist crap, dude. You end up smelling horse butthole for 40 minutes. Take Ettie somewhere awesome like In N' Out Burger. Excelsior!

(pictured above, Brad helps himself to some brown)