UAG

UAG

Hey! Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Congratulations for joining the pornographic movie industry. Your references are impeccable!

Now that you're ready to film your first scene, you're going to need a porn nickname for the call sheet. May we suggest these available (but terrible) porn names? Good luck on set!

HER:

Aida Urassa

Jess Doit

Beluga Orca

Ladesh (so you can bang ladesh)

Bridget Spinner

HIM:

Hans Onna Hardbody

Timjob

Gibbous Moon

Hairy Ass Truman

E. Rectile Dysfunction

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Fight Winter Allergies

It's winter and the air outdoors is crisp and pollen-free. But make sure the air indoors is just as clean to prevent allergies:

1) Make sure you store any firewood outside, to keep mold and pollen where it belongs.

2) Dust and dust mites thrive because of your heating system. Professional cleaners can give your ducts a clean bill of health. Change heat system filters at least once a month.

3) When it's very cold outside, keep your face covered. Going from very cold air to very warm indoor air can trigger an asthma attack.

And speaking of attacks, if you're ever in a relationship that's physically abusive, hire my limo service, get in the car, lock the door, and I'll drive you the hell out of that situation. For free. Be safe kids.

The ProofrEADJer, February Edition

The misspelled word isn't "breadstix," btw. ^

UAG

Lobsterfest Keeps On Lobsterin'!

It's week fourteen of Red Lobster's exciting and delicious Lobsterfest lobster extravaganza celebration, and Red Lobster is offering great new ways for you to enjoy lobster during this limited time! Try these scrumptious new offerings:

• We hire movie actor Chris Evans to boil and prepare a perfect plate of steaming lobster for you. Although he'll never leave our kitchen to meet you, you'll delight in knowing that the lobster you're eating has been prepared by none other than The Human Torch from the most recent "Fantastic Four" movies! It's just one more way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We steal tiles from your Scrabble board game set at home and mix them in with some raw ground beef and glitter, then we dress up as a postal worker and feed your dog the ground beef/glitter mixture. Your dog eats it up, and when you get home, it takes a big dump on the living room floor, and the Scrabble tiles in its poop spell out "LOBSTERFEST." Now that's a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• Our entire restaurant gets filled to the ceiling with live lobsters. We make an arrangement with your employer to print out and drop your next paycheck into the middle of the restaurant. You have to strip naked and must wade through all the snapping, live lobsters to get your paycheck. As you make your desperate way through the lobster gauntlet, the lobsters continue to snap and pinch your nether region and genitalia, and you realize that the lobsters' snapping claws have grown from agonizing to somehow erotic. What a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• You get kidnapped and wake up in an abandoned warehouse. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We enroll in a pottery class with you. During the lessons, we chat about our personal lives and generally not pay attention, which irks you to no end. So when it's time for us to start "throwing" or "firing" a piece of nice pottery, we have no idea how to do it, and that makes you very angry. When you get really red, we hold a mirror up to your face, and you realize you look just like a lobster! We then dunk your head into a bucket of melted butter to top off the hilarity. It's another fantastic way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We go to a strip club wearing sweatpants so that the strippers can feel our erections. Then when they get creeped out, we loudly remind them that we paid them a fucking hundo and they best get to grindin'. Plus you get to eat some Maine lobster tail, steamed snow crab legs, garlic shrimp scampi or some bullshit. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

Some Anti-Graffiti Graffiti

(pictured above– you tell me– a guy with no sense of irony, or a guy with an incredible sense of irony?)

Strike Out, Joel.

Things that Joel has learned over the course of the Writer's Strike:

Day one: Not working is kind of fun!

Day two: My toes are kind of webbed if you look at them in the right light.

Day three: Nikki and Victor are an eternally doomed couple on The Young and the Restless

Day four: Unrefrigerated Vong's Thai Kitchen leftovers don't keep or taste too good.

Day five: Writer's agents don't call as often when writers are striking.

Day six: Loneliness is disorienting and Silvia Plath poems make more sense.

Day seven: My testicles smell worse when you use Pine Sol.

Day eight: Wow. Silvia Plath totally gets it all.

Day nine: Being broke isn't as heroic and honorable as those Okie Dust Bowl people say.

Day ten: Dick still tastes awesome. A comfort in these times.

(pictured above, the new trend in album cover art– just putting someone's big fat face on the cover)

Asscheeky Monkey

(Editor's Note: EADJ has been fortunate to have recently met up with Joel Himself in L.A. recently. The full interview and photo spread will be posted soon.)

Joel's getting more famous by the day.

Just yesterday, Dora the Explorer made an allusion to Joel on its program. While looking for "The Big Red Chicken," Dora mentions to her monkey companion Boots how their search is a lot like Joel's never-ending search for dick to eat. Kewl!

Restoration Hardware has announced a new line of outdoor furniture designed for Joel and his al fresco dick eating. The Coctoss armless chaise, for example, allows for adjustable reclining with a kneeling area and a jawrest, boasting weatherproof linen cushions and solid teak legs. $869, with free shipping.

In the most recent issue of Hustler Barely Legal, a woman dresses up as Joel and eats two dudes' dicks in an "homage/tribute." Hustler's editors wrote that they even recreated Joel's shitty studio apartment. The issue has been so popular that a copy can now go for $45 on eBay.

Joel has his own entry in Wikipedia! The entry breaks down his forty dick-eating techniques, his cultural significance, a full list of the celebrity cocks that he's eaten, and many, many misspellings.

(pictured above, Brad does some Curlz at his goodbye party)