20 Things Cuter Than Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande

If you follow entertainment news even slightly, you've heard of the engagement between SNL's Pete Davidson and pop superstar Ariana Grande. And yes, they sure are an adorable couple, but to put things in perspective, here are 20 things that are still actually cuter than those two:

• travel-size computer mice

• daisies with happy faces on them

• this ball boy

• a puppy wearing a diaper with puppies on it

• the smaller Fry Guy from those old McDonald's commercials

• water balloons that weren't filled all the way so they're just the size of a plum

• strip mall post offices

• flip phones now

• any diagram that shows how artesian wells work

• the Sanrio version of Thanos

• paper cups that have a little teacup handle

• babies with huge afros

• any Pac-Man musical interlude

• yogurt raisins

• the tilde

• your heart rate after a nap

• Pyewacket Lane in Waterford, VA

• those Capri-Sun-like wine pouches

• that last part on American Ninja where you have to run up a curved hill

• the fact that you will 100% likely mispronounce the name of any Irish town

Let's Catch Up With The Three Girls From The Classmates.com Banner

If you've ever been on the Internet, you've probably seen banner ads for classmates.com that feature three winsome young maidens from what looks to be the 80s. EADJ tracked each of these three ladies down to ask them what they're up to now.

Girl #1

Often mistaken for Andrea Zuckerman from "Beverly Hills 90210," Kinshasa Malou is now married and working as a cost consultant for a cracker factory in Couer D'Alene, Idaho. Her hobbies are playing BioShock Infinite and coaching her daughter's soccer team while wearing extreme jump shoes. 

Girl #2

Through some cosmic coincidence, the second Classmates.com girl is also named Kinshasa Malou. Since posing for the infamous 80's photo, Malou has since joined the NASA Space Program as commander of the STS-112 crew, which recently completed its mission to the International Space Station. Malou is married to actor Jeremy Renner and currently lives in Palma, Majorca.



Girl #3

Since her sex change back in 1991, the third girl named Kinshasa Malou (yet another coincidence that science can't explain) opened and now runs a hardware/radiator repair store in Billings, Michigan. Malou is a staunch Republican and NRA backer, and she still insists on using the word "Chinaman."

The ProofrEADJer, March Edition

"March is a month of considerable frustration - it is so near spring and yet across a great deal of the country the weather is still so violent and changeable that outdoor activity in our yards seems light years away." -  Thalassa Cruso 

Excerpts From "Because I Love You" by Julia Hubery & Cee Biscoe

"I debase myself every day at Jamba Juice, working for that colossal prick Ray, just to take home half a decent paycheck... because I love you."

"I pawned Grandma's scooter and threw her walker on the roof... because I love you."

"I went to the DMV and legally changed my name to 'You'... because I love you."

"I held my tongue when you told me that fried dough and funnel cakes were the same thing when it is pretty goddamned obvious that they are NOT the same thing... because I love you."

"I returned the One Ring to Sauron, thus dooming all of Middle Earth to an eternity of slavery and despair... because I love you."

"I blew a trainyard full of syphilitic hobos... because I love you."

"I hated the player and the game... because I love you."

"I went on that useless, time-wasting, money suck of a shitty weekend horseback riding– against my better judgement and I hate to say I told you so... because I love you."

"I piss less on the seat nowadays... because I love you."

"I could make myself believe it's not butter... because I love you."

"I fucking hate you... because I love you."

A Forbidden Entry

Two reasons why this entry is forbidden:

1) I took this photo in Pathmark after the security guard lady told me she'd kick me out if she caught me taking photos in there again.

2) EADJ retired this Curlz MT bit.

3) This entry sucks.

Eleven Dollar Salad!

Joel took some time out of his busy schedule today to actually answer some old Civil War love letters. Here are a couple:

(Letter from Sallie Seeper Scott of Lower Chanceford, PA to Robert Bennett, Chief Carpenter Shop in Washington, D.C.)

April the 16
Good Morning My dear friend
this is quite a pleasant morning
I almost forgot to tell you that
I got a letter about 2 week ago
forwarded from the president A
Lincoln but the next one he sends
to me he had beter not get you
to write it + I won't be so sure to
know that it came from you my
Dearest friend + only lover + loveing
Bob well I think I will haft to
draw my leter to a close for the present
time by telling you to write soon all
at presant from your kind friend
Sallie S. Scott to
Robert Barnett you said that you
wanted me to send you a stamp or
thats what I took it to be from the
way you had it speld I havent any
3 cts ones but will send you all the
one cent ones that I have at this time
I forgot the old hors he is doing well
only there is someting rong with his neck
so he cant put his hed down to drink
Sallie Seeper Robert James write soon

Dear Sallie,
Spelling! It's obviously your poor public education that got you to misspell "loving" so consistently. Pennsylvania blows. But it's finally good to hear from you. The mail service has been so inconsistent since the battle of Hanover. Maybe Fedex next time? And don't worry about the stamps, just email me– not my AOL, cuz I'm closing that one. Try my gmail instead! LOL!

Kisses,
Joel

ps. If Blackie can't lower his head, just pour some water into his feedbag. Or set a bowl on the top of the chiffarobe for him to drink.



(Letter from an unknown soldier writing from Nashville, Tennessee, to his friend Ettie.)

Nashville Tenn Jany 5th 64

Friend Ettie

I believe I am not indebted to you by way of letter, but for your kindness to me I will write you a few lines. It is quite cool Weather here now and some snow upon the ground but not enough to make sleighing. I wish I wish I were in Hillsdale today I think I would call around to friend Ettie and go out a Sleighing. Soon I am agoing to settle down and get married.

What a novel Idea that is, perhaps you will not believe it but I am not joking. I am not quite an old Bach yet but I fear I will be before long.

If you know of some good looking amiable young Lady that wish to change her situation in life, just mention the fact to her, and tell her there is a Soldier in the Army that wishes to marry in less than two years after his time expires in the Army.

I am yours
verry truly
xxxxx


Dear Unknown Soldier Dude,

You can't beat around the bush like that, man. Just frickin' ASK HER TO MARRY YOU! You obviously are trying the "hanging out until you become more than friends" angle, which believe me, is so not worth it. I once hung out with this chick who works at Borders Café, listening to her blab on and on about Ya-Ya Sisterhood and whatnot, and a month into it, she told me she thought I was dateable UNTIL we started hanging out so much. Fucking A! Bitches, man.

Joel

p.s. Sleighing?! That's such tourist crap, dude. You end up smelling horse butthole for 40 minutes. Take Ettie somewhere awesome like In N' Out Burger. Excelsior!

(pictured above, Brad helps himself to some brown)