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3 Intex Inflatable Mattresses And The Type of Handjob They Promise According To Their Package Photos

Intex is one of the finest manufacturers of premium air beds this side of the Mississippi. However, their choice of packaging photography gives a secret signal to single men: you will get a handjob if you buy this. Here now are the different types of handjob you can expect from each size airbed:

SKU: The Index Classic Downy, Queen Size

Handjob Promise: A demure blonde will give you a two-hander but avoid eye contact

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16.5 inch version

Handjob Promise: Fox News's Kimberly Guilfoyle will give you a tugger whilst filling your ears with conspiracy horseshit about liberals and Hillary Clinton. You will not be allowed to plug your ears until after release.

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16 inch version

Handjob Promise: a friendly, peppy candy striper from the hospital will cup your balls and talk to you about the weather. Then she will cry uncontrollably if you ask her about her life at home.

Available at all fine stores everywhere. And Walmart.

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Jan. 7-11, 2019

Hey guys. Samantha here. You know the deal. Don't make me get up and hunt you down. Don't get on my bad side. Don't make me put down my coffee. Don't cross me sideways unless you want a size 10 heel up your wazoo, mister. Job numbers. Do them. Submit them to Accounting by 3pm or none of us will get paid:

28488: Burning the microwave popcorn

28488b: Claiming to like burnt microwave popcorn

86936: Flossing while "flossing"

50138: Work stuff

78934: Googling "pipe bomb" in Private mode

38199: Spitting on your dick at the urinal

200723: Washing that man right out of your hair

933567: Finding a toe ring that matches

422420: Greenlighting another shitty DCEU movie

100731: Shouting sweet nothings across the street

283680: Bringing a "hunna stack" to the Dollar Store

55883: Headbutting Jeff Bridges

102144: Headbutting Steve Buscemi

838371: Headbutting John Goodman

20 Things Cuter Than Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande

If you follow entertainment news even slightly, you've heard of the engagement between SNL's Pete Davidson and pop superstar Ariana Grande. And yes, they sure are an adorable couple, but to put things in perspective, here are 20 things that are still actually cuter than those two:

• travel-size computer mice

• daisies with happy faces on them

• this ball boy

• a puppy wearing a diaper with puppies on it

• the smaller Fry Guy from those old McDonald's commercials

• water balloons that weren't filled all the way so they're just the size of a plum

• strip mall post offices

• flip phones now

• any diagram that shows how artesian wells work

• the Sanrio version of Thanos

• paper cups that have a little teacup handle

• babies with huge afros

• any Pac-Man musical interlude

• yogurt raisins

• the tilde

• your heart rate after a nap

• Pyewacket Lane in Waterford, VA

• those Capri-Sun-like wine pouches

• that last part on American Ninja where you have to run up a curved hill

• the fact that you will 100% likely mispronounce the name of any Irish town

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up: The Ultra-Casual Collection

"Lionel, put on your pajama bottoms and slippers. We're going to the bank!"

This woman at the playground just finished a Zumba class and has some Captain in her. 

Yeah, tiger stripes was the way to go. Good job, April.

I mean, the CVS Pharmacy isn't supposed to be Buckingham Palace, but really?

Some Unknown Perks of the AMC Stubs Card

If you're already a member of AMC Stubs, you already know that you receive tons of great movie benefits, like a free large popcorn refill with every visit, waived online ticketing fees, and a $5 reward for every 5,000 points earned! But did you know that being a member also gets you these terrific, exclusive rewards? Check 'em out!

• Free packet of Twizzlers for your moviegoing group

• One free mini-poster for every movie on opening night that you attend

• The ticket taker will respectfully avoid any eye contact with you

• Ushers will inspect your seat for bombs or booby traps before you sit down

• If you require close captioning, a cue card boy will be standing at the front under the screen

• 100% total immunity from the next Purge

• Your AMC Stubs card dissolves in water for quick, potent pain relief

• Free blumpkin from the senior employee of your choice (must choose before movie starts)

• 30% off all speeding tickets for the rest of your life

• Dine-in theatres only: pre-show wine tastings and social mixer in the skybox

• The ability to spit on non AMC Stubs members

Eat Two Dicks and Call Me Joel in the Morning

Devendra Banhart, Sufjan Stevens, and Sondre Lerche held a press conference today to announce a new supergroup that they have formed as a tribute to Joel's dick-eating career. The three extremely-difficult-to-spell musicians will release a CD later this summer, with special guest appearances by Sigur Rós, Hilmar Örn Hilmarsson, Björk Guðmundsdóttir, and Mr. Mxyzptlk. The CD will be titled "W.A.R.H.T.S.B.W.A.A.T.W.W.J.T.E.A.D" which is short for "We are really hard to spell but we all agree that we want Joel to eat a dick." Fergie will also appear on the inside sleeve art for some reason.

(pictured above, I don't know what the hell happened here, but I'm pretty sure it's Brad Harvey's fault.)