The ProofrEADJer: First of 2020 Edition

Chees.

The Pathmark of the Beast

Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

1) E

2) A

3) F

4) D

5) C

6) B

I bet you didn't even need to see the answers. You got 100%, right?

UAG

Must be a shitty/busy week when there are two UAG's within 5 days.

How Miracle Whip Rebooted Its Image

If you watch soap operas, you may have noticed that Miracle Whip has redone their image to appeal to a younger audience by shortening their name to "MW" and boldly proclaiming that they're "not for everyone."

How did such a classic, fuddy-duddy brand drastically reimagine their own image and not sound like they're trying way too hard to be hip when they're obviously not? With a little help from their marketing department, of course. To get a little insight into the process, we obtained from the Miracle Whip ad agency Hoppes, Fangor & Dunfella some internal marketing materials that they used for the rebranding. Here is what is known as a "mood board," outlining in clipped out photos what the old Miracle Whip brand represented in consumers' minds, and what the new MW brand could represent moving forward.

Click to enlarge:

Stay tuned for more enlightening mood boards that we get from Hoppes, Fangor & Dunfella that we'll fish from their dumpster out back.

How I Eat One Of Those Cracker Sticks 'N Cheese Pack Thingies

1. Chuck that stupid red spreader. Useless.

 

2. Grab the first cracker stick and scoop a good 75% of cheese substance with it.

 

3. Grab a second cracker stick and scoop another 20% of cheese substance with it.

 

4. The third cracker stick is for scraping the remaining 5% cheese substance, thus screwing the other three remaining cracker sticks.

 

5. Shit.

 

6. Buy another Crackers 'N Cheese Pack Thingie and dive into the new wealth of cheese substance!

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Meanwhile, At the RNC...

Minutes after McCain spoke about literacy:


And during a portion about more oil drilling NOW:


I blame the liberal media for pointing the camera in their direction. But what disturbs me is that for all the talk about keeping America safe, a deposed dictator has found gainful employment at a Washington DC buffet:

SCANDAL ROCKS THE CHICKEN BUCKET!!!!

News vans and reporters are scrambling in front of 225 North Michigan upon hearing that the "FUN PAGES: Draw The Rest of Brad's Body" contest held recently at the Chicken Bucket has been blown wide open with scandal. The fallout: hurt feelings, lost friendships, a lawsuit, and a divorce.

The contest was launched several weeks ago at the request of Ayana, who felt that "it was time for something to go up there." A simple template featuring Brad Harvey's head was made and the contest was announced. Within hours, the Chicken Bucket had been papered with entries, and Phil May had been invited to judge on December 5.

As the deadline approached, May suggested that maybe he shouldn't judge, as he had submitted his own entry! May's entry was balled up and thrown at him, but he was still invited to judge. By now an announcement had been posted by the entries: "The winner receives a free lunch with Brad Harvey, courtesy of Brad Harvey."

Phil May judged and picked a winner, and a ribbon was hung on the winning entry:


Lauren Fontinel and Suzie Caravella had worked together on the winning entry and not surprisingly, expected a free lunch from Brad Harvey. But as days passed, their elation turned into concern. Concern turned into regret. Regret into anger.

Brad had yet to take them out to lunch.

Brad eventually revealed that the entire contest did not have his blessing. He felt that he had been pressured into taking TWO winners to a contest he didn't even know about. His argument: he was out of town or something.


Undaunted by Brad's refusal, Fontinel allegedly took matters into her own hands, applying more pressure to claim her prize. She tacked a note onto the contest invitation: "Where's my free lunch Brad?'

Brad's terse response: "Up your butt Lauren."

In addition to the judging flap and the unresolved prize scandal, the contest has strangely taken on a life of its own. Weeks after the contest was judged, mysterious entries continue to be submitted:

What this means for the two current scandals is unknown. Do people still think they can win a free lunch from Brad? Is Brad taunting the girls? Why did he call them "Lunch-hungry sluts who can swab my nicotine-stained taint?" And who the fuck put THIS up?


Lives shattered. Questions unanswered. Families broken. More to come.