Highlights From This Year's Consumer Electronics Show

CES came and went this year, and some surprising new technological advances were introduced. Here are the latest new personal tech announcements:

• A shower radio that won't judge you for playing music you enjoyed in high school

• New Cuisinart-brand paper shredder that also makes delicious julienne potatoes 

• A portable printer that will generate a perfect counterfeit pass for next year's CES

• A document scanner that fits in your pocket. But who uses printed documents anymore?

• A fax machine that prints birthday cakes. No, don't walk away... watch how this works! Where are you going?

• A special mirror to attach to your smartphone so that you can make eye contact with your date

Episode Summaries For This Week's Chicago ____________ on NBC

The following are episode synopses for Chicago Med, Chicago Fire, and Chicago P.D., all on NBC.

Chicago Med

Season 7, Episode 6: "Cuntography"

Bailey's patients all develop infections shortly after she visits a bodega salad bar. Dr. Ackerlee makes a supernatural prediction about the mysterious kid in ICU. The basement is flooded with pus.

Chicago Fire

Season 8, Episode 3: "Sophie Ellis-Bextor's Choice"

Chief Hargrove develops a crush on the Bulls mascot. Two fire stations claim jurisdiction over Soldier Field as it burns. Somebody left a brat in Jonesy's locker for the 8 weeks he was on vacation.

Chicago P.D.

Season 12, Episode 4: "Hardly As Hard"

Gambino strikes it rich on a scratch off ticket and pays off all his poker debts. Detective Lambert and Kimmy make an arrest at an antiques and esoteric book dealer, where they discover a mysterious amulet with the power to bend reality and transport you through multiple dimensions and Intellectual Properties. Barker's meter maid cart gets stolen again.

Episode Synopses From Last Week's Chicago ___________

Chicago P.D.

S8E06 "Paris Is Churning"

Officer Hargraves gets his foot stuck in a bilko door. Katherine seizes power of the break room. Detective Octavio reminisces about meeting last year's arrest quota.

Chicago Med

S6E11 "Upon Whose Crown"

Doctor Langford swaps patients with a resident, with both fatal and hilarious results. Jameel unveils his new "triple blind" management style. A delirious ER patient damages every car in the parking lot with his dong.

Chicago Fire

S10E02 "Sideways March"

Wrigleyville burns down because of a stray hot dog fire. Chief Welwood finds a way to wear his overalls without pinching his gigantic penis. Sarah and Gideon make peace with their Libertarian neighbors.

Weekly Episode Recaps of Chicago ___________

Chicago Fire

Season 5 Episode 04: "Sicut Et Cum Parvis"

Chief Daughtry wins a cup stacking contest. Mandy learns her ex was transferred to a nearby town instead of dead. The station gets a surprise visit from mindreader The Great Kismet, and hilarity ensues.

Chicago Med

Season 6 Episode 11: "For Whatever It Takes To Draw Closer To You, Lord"

A wiring problem in the OR forces the residents to improvise. Dr. Mackerey denies practicing witchcraft during business hours. EMTs Sonny and Donna exchange fluids. The Accident-Free tally board is reset again.

Chicago P.D.

Season 18 Episode 02: "It's a Darva Conger World"

Gerald discovers the secrets his wife has been keeping from him. Maddie is promoted to Captain and learns it doesn't come with a pay raise. Charlie XCX makes a surprise guest appearance that's still totally organic.

"Thinking Of You"- A Subtle Gift

Nothing says you want to bone like sending thick shafts of meat to the one you love.

Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Racist Appliances

This Week In Hip-Hop Awfulness

Once again, we highlight the best and worst in hip hop album and mix tape covers. Mostly the worst.

I don't care if you put on 3D glasses or not, you cannot possibly look tough surrounded by confetti.

That portable Beats By Dr. Dre speaker goes for $400. Just hand over that one wad on the right.

Sonny Digital and X Que finally earn enough money to make the cover of the rare "Atlanta square format" edition of Forbes Magazine.

No change needed, Don Trip.

"HEY. I WANT YOU TO DO MY LAUNDRY. BUT SEPARATE MY DARKS FROM MY WHITE GARMENTS. I CAN'T STAND HAVING BLUE STREAKS IN MY WHITE TANK TOPS."

When your car's grill is shinier than yours, it might be time to switch to a baking soda-based toothpaste.

**BARKING NEWS**

(AP) The EADJ West offices in Seattle have been halted by a blackoout, sources say.

"Our whole office just had a power outage," said cub EADJ reporter Andrew Gall, "I said fuck it and went home."

More on the blackout crisis as it becomes available.

(pictured above, a just-now-developed shot of Brad Harvey and David Estoye goofing around back in Cramer-Krasselt, an apparent homage to THE GREATEST PHOTO EVER TAKEN:

Follow-Up To a Previous Entry

In a November EADJ post, Jessica had reported some missing Morning Star Chick Patties. She writes today via IM:

"guess what, i never lost them, ythey were in the freezer the whole time!"

DULL PENCIL 2008, y'all!

Let's open the folds of the EADJ Mail Sack, exposing the bell-like object at the top of the opening!

The following email was forwarded by Jessica Foster:

------ Forwarded Message
From: Matt Webb
Date: Thu, 4 Oct 2007 13:39:10 -0500
To: #CHI_ALL <#CHI_ALL@C-K.com>
Conversation: ALERT! MISSING SPOON
Subject: ALERT! MISSING SPOON

If you took a real stainless spoon out of the dishwasher in Café Kriv, its mine. Please return it. It came from my home. And the set of silverware that was originally a wedding present for my parents in 1965.

Thank You

mw

------ End of Forwarded Message

You gotta be dicking me, Joel

(pictured above, Ayana's first Goatse)

Making Douches With Bottles of Beer.

If the previous issue were any indication, August's issue of Wassup! Magazine was sure to be full of photos of douchebags doing backwards devil horn hand signals. But surprisingly, this was not the case. The magazine itself proved to be hard to find, since most bars in the Wicker Park area simply toss the stack of free magazines in the trash shortly after they are delivered. And you thought Cans had no taste!


The cover, at least, promised plenty of poor wardrobe choices and general cheesecock douchery. I also suspect that the cover's art director is a big Minnesota Vikings fan.


But a few pages in, EADJ was shocked to see such a dearth of devil horns.




Only until the very end of the issue were there any backwards devil horns. This one photo singlehandedly made the douche quota for Wassup! Magazine's editorial staff, ensuring another six months of funding by the National Endowment of the Arts and the Illinois Association of Journalists.



***CORRECTION: The photo labeled "Mothers 2" is actually The Windy City Inn.***