Surprises From the Consumer Electronics Show 2024

Last weekend the Consumer Electronics Show was held in a Marriott in the Midwest (don't ask where), and exhibitors announced some pretty eyebrow-raising new product launches. Here are some of them:

• A riding blow dryer

• A vacuum cleaner that looks like a Dyson but is somehow more expensive and more British

• Wearable LCD cloth technology that lets you wear a shirt playing "90 Day Fiancé" episodes on your chest and back

• A bouncy castle outfitted with a humidifier so your kids can work themselves into an asthmatic frenzy and then lie down and recover

• A manipulative new AI that badmouths Siri to Alexa and vice versa

• Shoulder mounted missile launchers that destroy anyone who tries to spoil "Severance" for you

• A supercomputer that could easily beat anyone at chess but just doesn't want to

Six Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based On a NJ Diner Breakfast Menu

The major Hollywood studios have been out of movie ideas for years. Recently, however, they've gotten desperate enough to raid the breakfast menu to develop new feature films. Here are their upcoming cinematic offerings:

"Scrambled" starring Jason Bateman and Sarah Silverman

Bateman plays a billionaire tech entrepreneur who gets amnesia after bumping his head and is convinced by a con artist (Silverman) that he's giving her all his money. Also starring Rashida Jones as the orphanage manager.

----------------------- 

"Over Easy" starring John David Washington, Barry Keoghan and Letitia Wright

A hardboiled crime drama involving a failed heist, forty corrupt cops and a conspiracy to kill the mayor. Directed by the Russo Brothers.

----------------------- 

"Over Medium" starring Issa Rae, Jon Heder and Jack Black

Two supernatural skeptics (Seder & Black) confront what they think is a fake medium (Rae) but discover her powers are very, very real. Also starring Nate Fielding as a clueless reporter.

----------------------- 

"Over Hard" starring Alexis Texas, Riley Reid, Stormy Daniels and Lana Rhoades

No specific details about this film other than it's being filmed in the San Fernando Valley.

----------------------- 

"Cage-Free Egg Whites" not starring Nicolas Cage

Despite he and his representatives' persistent efforts, Nicolas Cage is NOT starring in this indie film about egg whites. Director Sam Mendes and cinematographer Roger Deakins are attached, further frustrating Cage.

Spotted on FB

The description at the bottom:

"Sexy maid outfit can be worn to clean your house."

"Can be". Would also help if the person wearing the outfit were able or willing to clean your house. Dressing up a dog as a bear doesn't make it suddenly a bear, ya dig?

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies For Your Weak Brain

It's the beginning of the week, and yet the Info Wars staff are already working on next week's ultraconservative horseshit for Alex Jones to push out of his reddening basketball head. Here are some of the stories they're working on:

• Democrats invented death.

• Every time you watch a Proactive infomercial, George Soros gets another teenage sex slave delivered to his all-chocolate water slide/sex dungeon.

• The third Sam Raimi "Spider-Man" movie was made terrible on purpose so that audiences would hate anything that came in third. This eventually saved the nation from a third Obama term.

• Those claw machines you see in arcades actually contain miniaturized immigrants hiding inside the stuffed animals, and every time you win one, you've let another terrorist across the border.

• Conservative talk show hosts with basketball heads sitting on fat necks shouldn't wear ties or tight collars– it makes you look like a fucking water tower or lollipop.

• Atheists everywhere are already planning this year's War on Christmas, poisoning Christmas tree farm crops and intercepting all Elf On A Shelf correspondence to Santa. BE VIGILANT, CHRISTIANS!

It's Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

It’s Lobsterfest® again, and this year, Red Lobster's offering more irresistible lobster creations than ever before! Come in and treat yourself to one of our many exclusive Lobsterfest® entrées! Indulge in exclusive lobster creations, and share those lobster recommendations with your lobster-lovin' friends! There are so many ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Try some of these:

• We stuff a hollow dummy with lobster meat. Then we soak its head in grain alcohol and put it behind the wheel of a car on the highway. When the police pull it over to charge it with a DUI, you can pounce on the dummy and start eating the lobster right there! It's just another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send an employee to your house to impregnate you. Nine months later at the hospital, after you've given birth to the baby, when they come in with the birth certificate for you to fill out, we barge in and write "lobster" where the name would go, so your new baby is named "lobster" for life! That's one more way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We firebomb a Chik Fil-A and arrange the debris and rubble to spell "FEST." Then we place a live lobster in a turban in front of the word "FEST." Now that's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We enter you and your parents into a breakdance competition, even though none of you know how to breakdance. Right before it's your turn, we give you this really inspirational pep talk that inspires you to really "turn it on" and actually win the competition! Then when you dine at our restaurant at your victory dinner, you realize that teamwork and believing in yourself is what really matters, not skill or training. That's an inspiring and COOL way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We take lobster meat and freeze it in a large block of butter. Then we put that block on a roller coaster car going the wrong way on the track. We make you ride in another roller coaster car loaded with sparklers and cocktail sauce, and halfway through the ride, you'll collide with the car with lobster meat in it in a spectacular explosion of lobster, butter, and you. What a great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We invent a typeface named "Lobster." It becomes really popular in graphic design circles and becomes a standard for many letterheads. When one of your personal relationships falls apart, and the person who left you wrote on letterhead that uses the font "Lobster," you can have a good chuckle, despite the tears. That's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We replace all imitation crab meat with real lobster meat. Then when you go to a shitty bodega in New York and put imitation crab meat on your shitty salad, you'll be so pleasantly surprised at the genuine lobster meat that you'll stop making racist comments about the Chinese owner! One more great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Stay tuned for even more great ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 2: High Noon

Our month of bad continues– albeit with a few glitches– and today we review last Saturday's second Lifetime Nora Roberts Original movie "High Noon," starring that guy from "Opposite of Love" and Claire from "LOST."

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Ivan Sergei is a renegade, shirtless cop tracking down a jewel thief who turns out to be the blonde chick he's been banging. They have a lot of sex while still not totally trusting each other. Music by The Fray.

What The Movie Was Really About: Claire from "LOST" plays Lieutenant Phoebe McNamara, a hostage negotiator in a city that needs one on a regular basis. Her nemesis turns out to be some SWAT guy whose lover she accidentally let die. He stalks her, bombs a few locations, and naturally takes hostages at the jewelry store where he bought the engagement ring for his dead lover. She tricks him into standing up and a sniper takes him out. The end. Oh, also, Ivan Sergei plays the needy, thoughtful, and mandatorily WEALTHY love interest who makes tea for her and is put off to the side when her career takes a front seat.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Two cops meet after their laundry loses both of their loads of clothes. A meteor shower comes and spectacularly destroys their city, so they seek shelter in an underground bunker with plenty of snacks and zombie DVDs, and they play XBox and fuck. They have a robot companion.

Nora Roberts Excellence: A useless role for Cybill Shepherd as Claire's agoraphobic mother. I thought her fear of leaving the house would somehow become a key plot point. Nope!

I also noticed from the two movies that Nora Roberts isn't doing straight up romance; she's inserting her shitty romance stories in more interesting genres like supernatural or crime. Sort of like a tofu burger- it's shaped to look delicious, but it's tofu.


----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Ivan Sergei: Who? 0 pts. No harm, no foul.

Claire From "LOST": -14 pts. From a fantastic, intelligently written hit series to slumming with Nora Roberts is not a good career move. But it can't be all that terrible if I have yet to learn her name.

Cybill Shepherd: -20 pts. Her star has lost a little luster with this TV movie. But she has looked worse:




Overall rating: F

State of My Mangina: "Plump but Dry"

Well, My Curiosity's Cured.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Let me start off by saying that this entry is probably NOT SAFE FOR WORK. I've tried censoring out lots of the sordid parts of certain screens, but overall the content of this entry is best left away from your cubicle or Jamba Juice register.

I was walking past a construction site by my apartment and happened to spot something beyond the fence.


There were several DVDs lying on the ground. Cool! So my natural curiosity and cheapness motivated me to fetch the free movies.





Okay, so it was Japanese porn. But just for shits and giggles, let's pop it in and have a look see. The first disc, named "J Premium" was your standard porn fare...uh, or so Brad Harvey tells me.




The other DVD, named "Costume Play" is the one that made me later skip my dinner and question the basic decency of my fellow man.









She's not really gonna, is she? Oh. Yes, she is. Great. Fantastic.


It didn't take long for me to eject the DVD and rush back to the construction site to return the foul discs back to their original place. I sort of felt like that guy who discovers the singing frog in that old Bugs Bunny cartoon, except with more enemas and tiny penises. Origato, but no origato.

Click the movie to play. No, it's not that movie.