Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Lobsterfest® Continues To Carry On Rolling On

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster refused to let up, assaulting everyone in the immediate area with chunks of butter and delicious morsels of mouth-watering lobster. Red Lobster has come up with even more ways for you and your effeminate boyfriend to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. Try these latest savory, scrumptious offerings:

The following entries were all entirely submitted by Andrew Gall:

Upon entering the restaurant, you are blindfolded. From there, you feel the floor dropping out beneath you. You fall approximately 3 stories before landing on a soft beanbag. The blindfold is removed, and it is revealed that you're in a teen's basement bedroom. The beanbag you landed on is shaped like a lobster, and the teen and his friends are performing an all-ages music show for you as part of Red Lobster's Dining With the Rockin' Youth® initiative. You're given all-you can eat lobster and warm cheese biscuits while you're treated to the sounds of tomorrow. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


You order lobster at one of our fine establishments. As you tie your bib and prepare to dig in, you hear a distant voice speaking to you. This voice sounds mysteriously like your long lost father. While you eat, he whispers the sweet and prolific fatherly advice you lacked growing up, leading you to a life of crime in which you repeatedly ripped off discount tire distributors. As your meal winds down, you feel overcome with the right answers in life, and your belly is just as overcome with lobsteriffic delight. Your whispering pseudo-father promises to stay in touch, and you vow to stop robbing tire stores. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


On the first Tuesday of every month, each dinner patron gets a free Red Lobster painter's cap and choke chain for their pet. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


As you pick up your knife and fork and prepare to indulge in some succulent lobster, a horn sounds. Up-tempo music plays, a horn section begins, and confetti (which are actually small bites of lobster) begins blowing all around you. Patrons are encouraged to catch the lobster confetti pieces in their mouths, creating a "lobster-winter-wonderland" of sorts, as you'll be instantly reminded of eating fresh snowflakes while wearing snow pants. The confetti doesn't stop blowing until the entire table is covered or someone needs a pee break (whichever comes last!) And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Wrap a Christmas Present

To wrap a gift, first gather your materials and lay them out on a clean, flat work surface. Place the box containing the gift along the length of wrapping paper and unroll enough paper to wrap it around the box, leaving at least a 2-inch overlap. Make sure there is enough wrapping paper at each end of the box to cover the ends completely when folded over them. Eyeball the wrapping paper at the ends of the box. Trim away any extra paper so that the remaining flaps are long enough to cover the box but short enough to fold over smoothly into flaps. Bring one lengthwise edge of the wrapping paper to the center of the box and secure it with tape. Turn the opposite edge of the paper under approximately 1 inch and bring this to the center of the box as well so that it overlaps the first edge, and tape it down. Bring the upper flap down against the side of the box, making sure the flap is sharply creased at its folds. Tape the flap to the box. Repeat for the opposite end of the box.

Personally, I don't have a lot of time to wrap my own gifts. I usually give booze, and the liquor stores have gift bags. So that usually works out. But other times, I'm giving a gift to an alcoholic or a kid, then that's when I go to the car wash to grab some Toby Keith or Bobby Brown CDs. Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon!

Eleven Dollar Salad!

Joel took some time out of his busy schedule today to actually answer some old Civil War love letters. Here are a couple:

(Letter from Sallie Seeper Scott of Lower Chanceford, PA to Robert Bennett, Chief Carpenter Shop in Washington, D.C.)

April the 16
Good Morning My dear friend
this is quite a pleasant morning
I almost forgot to tell you that
I got a letter about 2 week ago
forwarded from the president A
Lincoln but the next one he sends
to me he had beter not get you
to write it + I won't be so sure to
know that it came from you my
Dearest friend + only lover + loveing
Bob well I think I will haft to
draw my leter to a close for the present
time by telling you to write soon all
at presant from your kind friend
Sallie S. Scott to
Robert Barnett you said that you
wanted me to send you a stamp or
thats what I took it to be from the
way you had it speld I havent any
3 cts ones but will send you all the
one cent ones that I have at this time
I forgot the old hors he is doing well
only there is someting rong with his neck
so he cant put his hed down to drink
Sallie Seeper Robert James write soon

Dear Sallie,
Spelling! It's obviously your poor public education that got you to misspell "loving" so consistently. Pennsylvania blows. But it's finally good to hear from you. The mail service has been so inconsistent since the battle of Hanover. Maybe Fedex next time? And don't worry about the stamps, just email me– not my AOL, cuz I'm closing that one. Try my gmail instead! LOL!

Kisses,
Joel

ps. If Blackie can't lower his head, just pour some water into his feedbag. Or set a bowl on the top of the chiffarobe for him to drink.



(Letter from an unknown soldier writing from Nashville, Tennessee, to his friend Ettie.)

Nashville Tenn Jany 5th 64

Friend Ettie

I believe I am not indebted to you by way of letter, but for your kindness to me I will write you a few lines. It is quite cool Weather here now and some snow upon the ground but not enough to make sleighing. I wish I wish I were in Hillsdale today I think I would call around to friend Ettie and go out a Sleighing. Soon I am agoing to settle down and get married.

What a novel Idea that is, perhaps you will not believe it but I am not joking. I am not quite an old Bach yet but I fear I will be before long.

If you know of some good looking amiable young Lady that wish to change her situation in life, just mention the fact to her, and tell her there is a Soldier in the Army that wishes to marry in less than two years after his time expires in the Army.

I am yours
verry truly
xxxxx


Dear Unknown Soldier Dude,

You can't beat around the bush like that, man. Just frickin' ASK HER TO MARRY YOU! You obviously are trying the "hanging out until you become more than friends" angle, which believe me, is so not worth it. I once hung out with this chick who works at Borders Café, listening to her blab on and on about Ya-Ya Sisterhood and whatnot, and a month into it, she told me she thought I was dateable UNTIL we started hanging out so much. Fucking A! Bitches, man.

Joel

p.s. Sleighing?! That's such tourist crap, dude. You end up smelling horse butthole for 40 minutes. Take Ettie somewhere awesome like In N' Out Burger. Excelsior!

(pictured above, Brad helps himself to some brown)

Weekend update: Feeding frenzy--the dick that wasn’t there.

(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, today's entry has been submitted by Andrew Gall– for real this time)

This Sunday, per usual, Joel’s dick-eating knew no bounds. It started out innocently enough, with Joel gobbling a little Saturday morning meatstick in the shower, followed by a special late lunch smorgasbord of schlong at the Ivy, complete with a bevy of Cajun spices. Things took a turn for the worse, however, when Joel stepped out of his house for dinner. With seven dicks already under his ever-expanding belt, it seems as if Joel, in his haste to munch member, mistook a nearby street side sculpture of John Wayne as another cock to crunch. Chipping three of his front molars, Joel was rushed to Richard Haber, DDS, a top Santa Monica-area cosmetic dentist, to make things right again. Joel was then given a grape popsicle and sent home in one piece. Crisis averted.

(pictured above: Vince Soliven attempts to become less brown, fails.)