Summaries of Upcoming Episodes of TNT's Crime Drama "The Closer"

Up to now, TNT has been hush-hush about the next season of "The Handler"- I mean "The Closer", but lucky for us mega-fans they've leaked the plot summaries of 6 upcoming episodes! Here now are the storylines to look forward to in Season 8 this Fall:

S8E01: "Gaslitted"

Sybil discovers that someone in the Evidence Department has stolen a gas card and used it to buy $300 worth of premium gas when it would have been so much smarter to buy regular unleaded and not be so obvious about it.

S8E02 "Dingleburied"

Hoffman shits his pants in the briefing room and the entire episode shows him slowly making his way to the door.

S8E03 "A Christmas Carol"

Nah. Just kidding.

S8E04 "Hung Up To Dry"

Grace and Culligan collect clues about a rumored baby mill. Meanwhile, a sex worker tells Danny about a dead body she found in the rafters. Co-starring Benjamin Blankenship as "Cory".

S8E05 "Fuck Your Feelings"

Donovan and Kaylee reveal their feelings for each other during a heated session of good cop/bad cop. The widow of a murder victim discovers a hidden cache of foreign jewels. There is a new vending machine in the break room.

S8E06 "Tits and Jujubes"

Hammond gets caught moonlighting as a steakhouse greeter. Chief Jasmine cheats on Vivian and feels guilty. A protest turns into a riot and some people get inconvenienced.

Catch these episodes and more on TNT starting November 30!

The ProofrEADJer: End O' Year Edition

UAG

New Year's Memories

J'Net and I went to Atlantic City for New Year's, and some time after the ball dropped at midnight, we wandering around Caesar's and its conference rooms. We peeked into what looked like the remains of the "Enchantment Under The Sea" dance from "Back To The Future."


It was odd, because it was only 1:15 am, and the entire place was cleared out already.


J'Net found some unclaimed photos that I guess people either forgot to pick up or saw and decided not to get. So we grabbed a couple.


Here now are their supposed backstories:


Janie Hidalgo and her imaginary friend Millicent hail from Sioux City, Iowa. Janie is a former court stenographer, and Millicent is an invisible pink moose wearing a sombrero. Although the longtime relationship between Janie and Millicent is based on friendship, in a pinch it has gotten sexual.

Janie declined to pick up this photo because she forgot to smile, and because Millicent blinked.


Doug Borschtein and Larry Umlaut are area residents (and golf buddies) from nearby Cheesequake, NJ but have never visited Atlantic City until today. They only became interested in coming here because Doug started watching "Boardwalk Empire" on HBO and thought it would be neat to see if it really was a crime-ridden hellhole like it's depicted on the show. It is.

Larry did see the photo of them on the board but wisely decided not to grab it, noticing the proximity of dong to Doug.

A Word On "Salad"

I don't know which fuckers to blame, but thanks to overgeneralizing and brazen misuse, the definition of the word "salad" has been stretched to point of uselessness. Here are some prime examples of what I'm talking about:

• Potato salad. Is it sliced and lightly seasoned potatoes in a bed of crisp lettuce? No, it's a bunch of yellow potato chunks swimming in yellow nasty mayonnaise. Usually shipped in a white bucket and served from a big metal spoon with a big, wet slap onto your plate or cafeteria tray. It's essentially the middle finger in a more viscous form.

• Chicken salad. Chopped or cubed chicken breast on a bed of crisp lettuce? No, actually it's shredded chicken parts mixed with celery(!) bits and pounded into a thick paste with mayonnaise and despair. Often eaten between two confused pieces of bread. Tuna salad is in the same boat here.

• Egg salad. Yum, slices of hard-boiled egg whites on a bed of crisp lettuce! No, wait. Actually, somebody put the yellow-and-nasty treatment on it– just like potato salad– and added something thicker to the mayonnaise, so that it clumps even more and can't ooze when sitting in the sandwich vending machine for a month.


• Marshmallow salad. Oh dear shit, this one is a doozy. First of all, marshmallows have no business being anywhere near the word "salad" to begin with, so there's no way sliced marshmallows would ever be on a bed of crisp lettuce. But some fat woman got the idea of taking CANNED FRUIT and mixing it with marshmallows, Jello, and cream cheese and chilling it. I'm not sure if this is intended as a side dish or a dessert, but Jesus help me if anyone would consider that a "salad." Just say goodbye to both your feet to type 2 diabetes if you eat that.

• Fruit salad. Fresh sliced fruit on a crisp bed of lettuce? No, a bunch of shitty pears and cherries chopped up and canned in sugary syrup. Fuck your mother.

• Macaroni salad. Is that mayonnaise again?

**Editor's note: The following YouTube clip was posted before on EADJ, so you don't have to watch. But we thought it was relevant to the piece.



• Seafood salad. Fresh cut crabmeat and shrimp on a crisp bed of lettuce? Who are we kidding at this point?

• Pasta salad. Haahahahaaaha. Good one.


I think the main culprit in most of this is mayonnaise. I love some mayo on a sandwich like the next guy, but to start pouring jars of it into a bowl and passing it off as some nasty dish that no one wants at the potluck is fucking vile. Everybody, stop it.

Salad Problems.

I go to this place on 42nd St. and 3rd Avenue for salads. It's a good place because they mix it in for you then toss it with whatever dressing you want. But the last few times I've gone over there, the dressing guy has called me "Ma'am." Yeah.


I thought at first that maybe he's calling me "Man," but he's called other men in line "Sir." And I've heard him use "Ma'am" for all the women. So what the fuck, dude? Do I really look like a woman?


After like the third time he called me that, I started speaking really loudly in a manly voice to the ingredients guy (who calls me "Sir") so dressing guy could pick up on it. I'd say things like "I WANT CUCUMBERS, BLUE CHEESE, AND BEAN SPROUTS," in the deepest voice I could muster. And that still didn't work. I still got "Ma'am" from dressing guy.

So I took a photo of myself at that place to see what dressing guy sees. Turns out, I do look like an Asian lesbian in the right light. Or maybe all the time. Or maybe dressing guy thinks I'm a woman because I've been loading up on salads so much, and my choice of ingredients emphasizes my owning a vagina. Whatever.


If you or some dude you know keeps getting mistaken for a lesbian, maybe it's time you took a good look at yourself and changed your haircut or stopped going to lesbian marches with your arm around your girlfriend. Or maybe you could parlay that mistaken identity into a wacky comedy starring Kal Penn and Margaret Cho.

Filipino Boy Will Survive

(pictured above, what happens when the goddamn salad place doesn't put a fork in your takeout bag and then when you get back to the office there's a goddamned meeting hogging the kitchen)

A Gross Mystery. Part 2: Gross Harder

As of this writing, those nasty finger or toenails are still on Beth's office floor.


For comparison's sake, here's Lorraine's nails:


And an attempt was made at a meeting to capture Beth's. This proved very challenging because Beth talks with her hands all the time. Annoying.


But we finally got a shot.


Joanne (not pictured yet) thinks somebody came in and clipped their nails in Beth's office. Others (me) think Beth did. Tom has a third theory:

"They might have been there since she moved in, depending on how often they vacuum around here."

To further add to the confusion, here's a picture of an apple in the toilet:


What do you think, faithful EADJ reader?

**Sort of update**

Tom: "i just went up to bstone's and realized it would be weird for her to clip her nails in her office's guest chair, thus all but ruling out beth as a possible suspect"

Hecka-Breaking News!

In some sort of cosmic synchronicity, two separate doppelganger spottings have been reported today.

Flicklicker saw "a less brown, less confused looking, more fauxhawked version of Vince in the Michigan Plaza lobby" and reported it to EADJ authorities.

Then Matt Webb chimed in after coming across our original Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson:

"Just had a sfvosp sighting... Jeans, green striped shirt and MANDLES, oh with socks."

Stay tuned for the latest in these developing stories. We now return you to "She Spies" on TNT, already in progress.

(pictured above, the best rendition of the SFVOSP that I could make, given that I had no drawing tools or scanner handy and was in the middle of eating a chicken caesar salad)

*****HECKA-BREAKING UPDATE:******

Andrew has reported a third doppelganger at Cramer-Krasselt: "we have a shorter, younger, darker-haired, just-as-friendly Phil Flickinger working as an intern. We just went to lunch with him."