"The First Time You Marry For Love,The Second For Money, And The Third For Pathmark."

Spotted in Irvington, NJ

As I was running one morning, I spotted what I thought was a rat in an alley in Irvington.


Luckily, it was actually just someone's weave. Whew!

When I Say Dragon, You Say Force

Finally, some scientific proof of how hard DragonForce rocks:

Halfway through a morning run the other day, my iPod Shuffle played "Strike of the Ninja," a special edition bonus track off of DragonForce's newest album "Ultra Beatdown."

As you can see in the progress chart below, my performance improved markedly during that one rocking song, boosting my overall pace to 8 min 13 sec per mile and helping me save the youth center.


I'm not quite sure whether it was the 178 beats per minute of Dave Mackintosh's drumming, Herman Li's furious guitar solo licks, or ZP Theart singing the inspiring lyric "Standing strong together, marching forever on / Fire in the heavens, now that our time has come," but maybe it was a little of all of them. A veritable Voltron of awesome kickass awesomeness.

Thank you, DragonForce, for rocking my ass to the next level! Kudos, cheers, and huzzah!

You too can order "Strike of the Ninja" from iTunes here.

Snack on a Dong, Joel

Joel recently took an interest in the athletic phenomenon "Parkour" or "free running," when he saw some young toughs running around in a parking deck. After talking to them for fifteen minutes and eating their dicks for ten, Joel donned a track suit and hung out with them for the day.

"Parkour is an art that helps you overcome any obstacle," Joel wrote in his diary, "It's using the space around you to create beauty and movement. Also, those guys' dicks are DELICIOUS! <333333"


It was with this je ne sais quois and joie de vivre that Joel threw himself (literally!) into this new art. Shortly after attempting to jump from a handicapped rail to a regular stairwell rail, he broke a shoulderblade, both wrists, four ribs, his coccyx, one kneecap and bruised his jaw.

"Buh ah least I can stih eat dick!" he said from inside his body cast.

(pictured above, Phil & Maura's noble attempt to prevent people from walking through their Planner Ghetto to the bathrooms)