Today Is Victory Over Yourself of Yesterday; Tomorrow Is Your Victory Over Pathmark

UAG

A Few Monster Movie Posters

The woman and the alien at the top of this poster look like they're old college buddies catching up on old times.

"You took my bike to Goodwill?! That was a top-of-the-line Fuji touring bike, Nancy!"

This one looks like the guy took his eager little brother to a senior party and regrets it immediately.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is adding to their lineup this month:

• Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (Illegal Video Camera Edition)

• KNOW THE DIFFERENCE: Christina Hendricks vs. Anna Kendrick

• Masterclass: Squidward Teaches the Clarinet

• The Moon Landing: Of Course It Happened. What're You, Stupid?

• Behind the Scenes of Cheaters: How We Made It Look Real

• Full Penetration News

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Home Alone 4: Too Old For This Shit

• A Show Where Characters Occasionally Say "Alexa" To Annoy Your Echo Dot

• Pillow Talk, where we literally talk to pillows

• Craft Corner: Knitting Gifts That People Will Throw Away

• Smell That Shit, Donna

• Star Trek: The Neelix Cooking Chronicles Which Is Unnecessary Because They Already Have Food Replicators

Some Air Travel Pillows Ranked In Ascending Order Of How Much They Make You Look Like An Asshole

The "Stack of Books"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: A low grade of 3. Looks comfy and natural, I guess.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None

The "Sideways Headrest"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: A low 4. Seems to work, but kind of looks like you're listening to a car's rearview mirror.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None, but sort of looks like a communicator.

The "Blue Strangler"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 5. Doesn't help if you look like Casey Anthony.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Whatever this is.

The "Gray Strangler"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 5. Doesn't look stupid, but it doesn't look stylish either. Flight attendants would be ambivalent.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The Phlox.

The "Blind Unibomber"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 6. You look like a sucker who just paid $50 for a basic headrest with a hood.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The black metal Klingons from TNG

The "Collision Crash"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 6. It might work okay, but it looks like someone needs to call a paramedic.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Dead Spock

The "Screaming Into An Elf's Tree"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 7. Those poor elves aren't going to make cookies any faster with you shouting at them like that.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The Glove Plant from TOS

The "Teddy Bear Playing Guess Who"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 7.5. Looks complicated and torturous.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None, but looks kinda like Geordi La Forge.

The "Elephant's Dong"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8. Looks sort of comfy but at the price of looking stupid.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None, but they look like those stupid seatbelts from the recent movies.

The "Shame Lap"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8.1. Look at you, burying your face in that dumb thing. Sleep > shame, I guess.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The flying pancakes from "Operation Annihilate!"

The "Suicide Sling"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8.5. Those bratty kids in 17E are making fun of you as you sleep. And so are rows 16, 15, and 14.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Mizarians

The "Hostage"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8.5. You look like you've already let the terrorists win, you instant victim.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Solanogen-Based Life Forms

The "Wearable Beehive"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 9.5. You do NOT look cool or comfortable. You look like Winnie the Pooh on a bender.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Ferengi

The "Earthworm Jim"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 10. Those holes at the side are for your arms, I think. What it looks like is an oversized planarian worm is sitting in 13A.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Tyvanna

How About Some Death Star Tea Pot Puns? Hey, Why Not.

I got an email from Thinkgeek.com advertising this terrifying yet comforting Death Star tea pot set.

Now, I know lots of Imperial officers spoke the Queen's English, but I had no idea they actually broke for tea time! Here now are a bunch of strained Star Wars/teapot puns we had lying around:

• Oolong time ago in a galaxy far, far away

• "Red Zinger, standing by"

• C-3PEKOE

• "Well, the Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it infuses the galaxy together."

• The spice mines of Kettle

• ♫ Here is my handle, and here is my super laser focus lens ♫

• "Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational ...uh, tea kettle."

• "Earl Grey Tea, hot!" (whoops, wrong franchise)

• Knights Of The Old Republic (of Tea)

• "Many Bothans died to bring us this tea."

• "I have a really bad Darjeeling about this."

UAG

"You've Failed, Your Highness. I Am A Pathmark, Like My Father Before Me."

Get It Right! "Star Trek: Voyager" Actress Kate Mulgrew (Circa 1990s) Vs. NY1 Anchor Roma Torre

Get it right! Although they look remarkably alike, actress Kate Mulgrew (circa 1990s) and NY1 Mid-Day Anchor Roma Torre are two entirely different people!

Kate Mulgrew's character Kathryn Janeway was a decorated 24th Century Starfleet officer, most noted for her service as captain of the starship USS Voyager.

Roma Torre has won more than 25 broadcasting awards, including an Emmy for reporting and anchoring the Avianca plane crash disaster in 1991.

Captain Janeway was known for her directness, compassion and brilliant strategic mind.

Roma Torre was the recipient of the Newswomen’s Club of New York's 2003 Peggy Award for Broadcasting, for her review of the Broadway show "Big River."

Janeway has been known to tangle with the Ferengi alien race many an episode.

Torre has been known to steal ratings from FiOS 1, the Verizon cable equivalent of NY1.

Get it right! Captain Janeway loved knitting as a hobby. She even made a monogrammed blanket for then newborn Naomi Wildman.

Roma Torre lives for the theatre, even when she's not reviewing a show for work.

Kate Mulgrew's fan-run Twitter account.

Roma Torre's Twitter account.

Hey, That's Not A Candida Fungus.

Spotted in an online banner: not a candida fungus.

 

Well, This Is Bullshit.

I have devoted my entire life (since I was a youngling!) as a devoted student of the Jedi Order, learning the basics of political strategy, galactic law, the sciences, and multiple languages. My training had been long and exhaustive, from my earliest training at the Jedi Academy on Coruscant to advanced Force techniques on Yavin 4, where I learned Forms I through Form VI of lightsaber combat and was quickly selected by Jedi Knight Satal Keto for one-on-one training, thus avoiding the dreaded Jedi Service Corps by the Council of Reassignment.

I had been a faithful Padawan learner under Master Satal Keto for years, honing my skills, controlling my stronger emotions and training in the ways of the Jedi on long journey-missions with him, often traveling on diplomatic missions.

Master Keto recommended me to the High Council for the Trials of Knighthood, which were very difficult but not impossible, for I had learned much about the Force and was wear the robes of a Jedi Knight. And after some time, I at long last had been knighted by the Council, among whom I was honored to be judged by none other than Master Yoda himself.

So I did achieve Knighthood, but my training did not stop there. I pursued further study as a Consular which led me to the specialized field of Seer. I finally took a Padawan of my own to pass down my wisdom, and only then did I finally gain the true rank of "Jedi Master."

And now that I am one, you mean to tell me all I get is this piece-of-shit four dollar ribbon? You fucking assholes. What a gyp.

UAG

TGI Friday's Continues Its Proud Tradition of Random Shit On the Wall

I spotted a wall in TGI Friday's in the Pittsburgh airport (don't ask) with possibly the most random shit I'd seen since the famed Cavalcade of Crap at Unnamed Organization in Chicago.


Here is a breakdown of the items, each with a numbered value of randomness on a scale from 1 to 10:

Epilogue

Click image to read. Unless you like squinting.

Let's Rub Salt Along The Rim of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Patrick Ng, "the saddest moment of an otherwise fabulous Las Vegas trip:"