Here Are Your Job Numbers For December 2019

Hey guys. This is Mark from the parking deck- you know me from "No, I don't have change for a $50" and "Sorry. I have to charge you for a full 30 minutes. Rules is rules." But for now, I'm the guy that the CEO has inexplicably asked to provide the office with job numbers for your timesheets. And he slipped me an extra hundo for my trouble, so here goes:

26698: Twerking through your fart

42994: Farting through your twerk

02233: Protesting the female Dr. Who like an asshole

71989: Cheating at curling

95735: Peeing into an airplane liquor bottle

48288: Chatting it up with the Minister of Finance

66183: Holding the pickle

30042: Transcribing Don Henley lyrics

57710: Using Google maps to find the Gräfenberg spot

44736: Wearing gold lamé and pulling it off pretty well, I must say

UAG

Fiverr Delivers Again

Thanks to Fiverr seller broadcastking for this exclusive EADJ puppet rap video.

A Very Special Video Segment of Taglines For "Avalanche Sharks," Featuring Phil and The Puppet Non-Juan

Thanks to Fiverr seller apt1982 for creating this video for us:

EADJ Pun Police: Steven Seagal Edition

So you think you're tough, puns? You think your play on words makes you special? I'll show you who's tough. I'm the toughest there is. You've never seen a tougher sonofabitch than me.

*cracks knuckles*



"Holmes for the holiday?" You mean to tell me you released this movie on Christmas just so you could use that stupid pun? Gimme a break. C'mere.

*grabs pun by the hair, snaps neck*


I really feel sorry for you sons of bitches who think you got a shot against me. You think you're clever, but you're not. I'm laughing not because you're funny, but because you're pathetic.

*spins pun around, breaks arm, snaps neck*


Get the fuck out of here. Are you even trying?

*snaps neck*


Okay. Lucky shot. You got a good hit in there.

*wipes blood off bottom lip*

That's not gonna happen again.

*knees pun in the groin, sexually harasses it, snaps neck*


I get it. It's a market. So they put "market on your calendar." Real cute. But not cute enough.

*grabs pun by the neck, spins it around, feels its boobs, puts his tongue between the boobs, snaps neck*


Sure, there's a lot of you, but I can handle it. Come at me!

*seizes pun by the boobs, spins it against a wall, feels the boobs, spins it around, slaps its ass with his dick, snaps neck*


You just don't learn, do you? You're all a bunch of losers!

*sits on the floor, plays with flaccid penis, weeps, snaps own neck*

Jane Seymour's Boobs and Butts Jewelry

Jane Seymour's "Open Hearts" jewelry line is a "universal symbol of hope and love," but the fact is, you're going to be wearing boobs and butts around your neck.



That's right. Boobs and butts. Look at that shape. Jane is obviously impressed at her own handiwork, but she doesn't realize that she painted boobs and butts, and cast boobs and butts out of white gold and sterling silver for sale at exorbitant prices at shitty Kay's Jewelers. Boobs and butts, ladies and gentlemen, boobs and butts.

Damn, Missed It!

This was last Friday, and I had no idea.


I mean, I rarely ever miss the XXX Pre-Valentine's Day Blacktail Booty Fest. It's kind of a yearly tradition with me and my family. (Dang, I should've signed up for the Anthony's Corner Cafe email newsletter!) Then I would have known that if I purchase tickets for myself, my wife, my Mother, Father, and brother, then a ticket for my mother-in-law would have been free. Then we could have all spent a lovely pre-Valentine's Day Friday night having a nice, quiet dinner and then watching the booty drop and roll.


My Dad would have truly enjoyed Dakota's chin-straddling booty shake or Juicy's trademark "down low" ass pump. And Mom would have feigned offense but would have loved to watch 69 do her nasty stank thang with the champagne flute. Heck, even my brother would have had fond memories of Cinammon's (sic) flashlight nip nips and Dynamite's ability to shine light out of her ragged coochie. Then we could all have bought matching XXX Pre-Valentine's Day Blacktail Booty Fest T-shirts to wear to the next softball game or family reunion.

Jeez, why do I always find these flyers too late?

Let's Change the Favorites On the EADJ Mail Sack's TV Remote Just To Annoy It!

Submitted by Emily Kane, "Separated At Birth?"