Smecial Dreams Mini-Entry

Pu Pu Platter Wants To Hang Out

Hey, wassup guys. How's it going. Just a short note to let you all know that I'm free to hang out anytime.

My schedule's been busy the last few weeks (craziness!) but more recently, I've had a little more time to hang back and just chill out. So if any of you guys would like to just hang out and shoot the shit sometime, that would be great.

Seriously. If I slighted any of you guys before by being too busy, I totally didn't mean to; you know I always want to hang out, just sometimes the ol' sked gets a little bit filled.

And you all know me– egg rolls, bacon-wrapped pineapple, chicken wings, beef teriyaki. Friggin' crab RANGOON on skewers, you know? I got a lot going on. You understand, right? Cool.

So if any of you guys have a free minute, I'm totally down with whatever. Get some Q-time with "3P," knowhutI'msayin? Ha ha. Just hang out, play some catch-up, whatever.

Also, the fact that I've got multiple dipping sauces- soy sauce, duck sauce, hoisin sauce, you know the drill- plus I've got that little sterno flame going, so that might help explain why I've been so swamped. But still no excuse, I know, for not having touched base with you guys sooner. I'm just trying to get you guys to see my side of the whole thing.

No? That's cool. I know you guys get busy, too. So it's tough sometimes syncing up our schedules to match up perfect so that we all hang out. So, just letting you know that I'm free, so whenever some time opens up for you guys, I'll be around.

You can text me, too, now. My new phone accepts texts.

Sometimes Lobsterfest Just Wants You To Lobsterfest

Red Lobster's juggernaut Lobsterfest® chugs on like a bloated, hairless freight train of meat, and if you haven't caught the action yet, there's still plenty of ways to enjoy the amazing lobster-filled delicacies we're offering this week! Try these latest ways (with some help from Andrew Gall):

• We hold a special “dinner and a show event” titled “My Dinner with Lobster.” Each table enjoys the pleasure of a lobster conveying all of his or her problems through a series of clicks. The lobster winds up becoming so comfortable in a diner’s company he or she begins to over-share, bringing up that one time in the park. Afterwards, everyone enjoys the therapeutic feeling that hey, we’ve all got problems! And that’s just another fantastic way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A 30-megaton bomb filled with deadly radiation, cornbread and some lobster meat is dropped in the middle of a major metropolitan area near you. Survivors of the blast are given the grave responsibility of rebuilding their civilization with whatever has withstood the bombing but have the luxury of eating nothing but delicious, buttery lobster and cornbread! Okay, that seems like another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A man, a plan, a canal, Lobsterfest®!

• We hire Grammy-winning recording artist Nelly to accompany you and your family to the restaurant, where he orders "Lobsterr" for all of you, even though your mother clearly and emphatically stated she just wanted a salad. Now, doesn't that sound like a terrific, delicious way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We shout the praises of Lobsterfest from the rooftops in the form of our very own spokesperson, Mr. Lobster Shingles! Mr. Lobster Shingles (hereafter referred to as MLS—catchy!) storms the lobster-imbibing scene nightly, singing and generally tap dancing about the restaurant. When it looks like a patron is done with his or her plate of succulent lobster, that’s when MLS takes charge, calling attention to said patron with a dance and shimmy best described as “inspiring.” Each time, the MLS spectacle ends with a chant, making the patron feel so bad, he or she will finish the lobster without another word. Oh, and MLS happens to have authentic shingles strapped to his shoulders. Just another way to enjoy delicious lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Lobsterfest® Fists Your Lobster!

Lobsterfest® enters its 40th spectacular week, and we at Red Lobster are still finding exciting and succulent ways for you to enjoy lobster! Here are just a few of the latest new ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• We mail you a Lobsterfest® postcard, which you bring into Red Lobster for a special Lobsterfest® scratch-off game piece. The game piece has four codes which you scratch off one-at-a-time, then compare with the codes posted on our in-store display. If two of your codes match those on the display in both number and color, you are automatically entered in our online raffle for two tickets to the next Red Lobster contest! That's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We go to Chinatown and find any guy there named "Doug Chen." We convince Doug that you're somehow related to him and arrange for a big family reunion dinner at Red Lobster. When he arrives, you and your family pretend to know and love him, creating this long-time familial bond that Doug Chen never had growing up. Then when the check comes around for the expensive lobster, everyone ducks out, leaving poor ol' Doug Chen with the bill! Yet another fantastic way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Against our better judgment, we roll a gigantic fucking doob in the shape of a lobster and give it to some college sophomores. The students smoke the weed and talk about the universe always expanding and all, then they fall asleep before the pizza even gets here. That's one great way you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We hire Jake Busey as a "lobster-consultant." Jake's enormous teeth act as both a deflector for lobster critics and an effective crushing device to crack open tough lobster shells for guests. We award our new lobster consultant with the Medal Of Valor, an honor that only military or public safety personnel who have served with gallantry usually get. Sure, that could act as another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. I guess.

Stay tuned for even more incredible lobster deals during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Lobsterfest Continues!

It's week two of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and we've still got lots of great ways for you to enjoy the lobster explosion that is Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Check out these latest lobster-related offerings:

• We inject sweet, tangy HGH into every juicy morsel. Then we turn it loose in a crowded college bar, pull up a seat and watch the delicious results! It’s just another great more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! (as reported by Dan C from the Red Lobster in Chicago!)

• We hollow out a coconut, fill it with lobster, and encourage the largest man in the restaurant (based purely on sight) to take the coconut lobster cannonball to his chest. Patrons gather around—the excitement is palpable! We get the two strongest bussers to toss the lobstersphere into the man’s considerable stomach at high speed. If the coconut explodes on impact, the lobster innards are offered on a first come, first serve basis. If not, we slice the coconut open and drink the delicious lobster innards. Either way, it’s dinner and a show. That’s just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! (as reported by Andrew Gall from the Red Lobster in Seattle!)

• We fill three old fashioned milk cans– two with hundred dollar bills, and one with lobster meat. We cover the three cans and shuffle them and ask you to choose one. If you pick the one full of lobster meat, we give a huge sigh of relief that we didn’t go broke that time. It’s another fun way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You die. After traveling through a tunnel, you appear on a serene plane of pure light, surrounded by all your friends and loved ones who have previously passed. Your souls are all connected by one consciousness in a constant stream of peace and harmony. You all dine on delicious crab fritters and lobster rolls. Just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You sit in a dank room in a cellar at an undisclosed location. We bring out a lobster and strap it to a chair. A man in a welding mask enters and asks the lobster where the stolen tapes are. Despite every denial by the lobster, the man in the welding mask slowly and methodically tortures the lobster to death using a drill, pliers, and a dull knife; it’s also revealed that no “stolen tapes” exist at all. When the entire brutal torture/murder is over, you get your pick of all the delicious lobster meat that’s left! That’s another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send a few employees over to your house to watch the entire DVD set of "The Wire" on your big screen TV. When your wife complains about having company over past the kids' bedtime, one of our employees says something snide about her which you don't entirely catch but are pretty offended by. Later, during the series finale, you finally confront him about what he said, and it turns out he was just muttering the words "Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster." Now that's one great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send you on an unmanned blimp ride. You discover as you ascend that there are no controls in the cabin- just platters of delicious, buttery, steamed lobster. Also in the cabin is a raccoon, which we hadn't planned on, but was attracted to the smell of the food. You enjoy each savory bite of lobster as you and your raccoon companion drift away to unknown heights, wondering if your cell phone will even work this high up. Just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

It's Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

It’s Lobsterfest® again, and this year, Red Lobster's offering more irresistible lobster creations than ever before! Come in and treat yourself to one of our many exclusive Lobsterfest® entrées! Indulge in exclusive lobster creations, and share those lobster recommendations with your lobster-lovin' friends! There are so many ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Try some of these:

• We stuff a hollow dummy with lobster meat. Then we soak its head in grain alcohol and put it behind the wheel of a car on the highway. When the police pull it over to charge it with a DUI, you can pounce on the dummy and start eating the lobster right there! It's just another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send an employee to your house to impregnate you. Nine months later at the hospital, after you've given birth to the baby, when they come in with the birth certificate for you to fill out, we barge in and write "lobster" where the name would go, so your new baby is named "lobster" for life! That's one more way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We firebomb a Chik Fil-A and arrange the debris and rubble to spell "FEST." Then we place a live lobster in a turban in front of the word "FEST." Now that's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We enter you and your parents into a breakdance competition, even though none of you know how to breakdance. Right before it's your turn, we give you this really inspirational pep talk that inspires you to really "turn it on" and actually win the competition! Then when you dine at our restaurant at your victory dinner, you realize that teamwork and believing in yourself is what really matters, not skill or training. That's an inspiring and COOL way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We take lobster meat and freeze it in a large block of butter. Then we put that block on a roller coaster car going the wrong way on the track. We make you ride in another roller coaster car loaded with sparklers and cocktail sauce, and halfway through the ride, you'll collide with the car with lobster meat in it in a spectacular explosion of lobster, butter, and you. What a great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We invent a typeface named "Lobster." It becomes really popular in graphic design circles and becomes a standard for many letterheads. When one of your personal relationships falls apart, and the person who left you wrote on letterhead that uses the font "Lobster," you can have a good chuckle, despite the tears. That's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We replace all imitation crab meat with real lobster meat. Then when you go to a shitty bodega in New York and put imitation crab meat on your shitty salad, you'll be so pleasantly surprised at the genuine lobster meat that you'll stop making racist comments about the Chinese owner! One more great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Stay tuned for even more great ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Maddening.

What compels people to do what they do? What could be the possible explanation for some things? I found this on a sidewalk in Brooklyn:



I looked on the Internet, and there's no band website that pops up (yet). So, why did someone write "The Sewage Worms" on a nametag? Was it part of a creative writing exercise? Some sort of label for a display about actual sewage worms? Did someone change their name to "The?"


There are some things Wikipedia, Google, and the information desk at the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, North Carolina have no answer for.

Who Are We Advertising To?

In advertising, there are people whose job it is to define a target audience– to figure out exactly to whom one is selling. These people are called ACCOUNT PLANNERS. The good planners are often named Phil Flickinger, but there are others I've come across who do little more than throw together a perfunctory "mood board" with some glitter glue and shuffle around some important sounding words to pass off as work. This, of course, does not apply to my current job, where the planners are not doing that. Just want to clear that up to anyone who thinks that's the case. Because that would be stupid of me to do on a public blog. Ham sandwich.

Here are examples of some "demographics" that BAD planners invent to make it look like they did their job:

"Food Enthusiasts"- These go-get-'em achievers are successful, forward-thinking, and most of all, EAT FOOD! Whether it's breakfast in the morning, lunch around noon, or dinner in the evening, these "Food Enthusiasts" are always game for some "chow!" Some "F.E.'s" even enjoy eating in groups, which makes them very social! Ages 24-36. Income $20K-$789K

"Car Riders"- Ever meet someone who didn't like to walk 100 miles? Chances are they're "Car Riders," an emerging new demographic that really tends to stay inside an automobile when it's in motion. These upwardly mobile goal-oriented passengers are really gung-ho about being in a vehicle that's taking them somewhere! 50% male, 50% female. Income $2K-$3M

"Anti-Murderees"- Today's hectic society has created a new group who has proactively kept up with today's more dangerous times. This contemporary new social subdivision tends to REBEL against the idea of getting killed! Way to go, Anti-Murderees! You have taken a stand AGAINST being stabbed, shot, strangled, pushed out a window, crushed by boulders, shocked in the bathtub, poisoned by mercury, vaporized by atom bomb, and thrown to hungry Rottweilers! Keep up the good work! We salute you in your fight against becoming corpses! Income 4¢-$699 Trillion.

"Maracanalists" Young, hip, and ready to go at a moment's notice, this active group of fun-loving rebels buck the system and shoot for the stars by shoving the handle of Mexican maracas up their ass. Rejecting the traditional use of maracas as musical instruments or their buttholes as buttholes, they have "lifehacked" their environment to achieve their own ends, LITERALLY! Restricted to one guy on 163rd Street in the Bronx. Income, none.

(pictured above, a typical "Mood Board")

Maybe It's a Cultural Thing...

Regular EADJ readers may remember a January 7 entry where we found some weird framed signs in a restaurant toilet. It looked like this:


Which is fine, but something I thought was an isolated incident. Nope.

Found elsewhere in Brooklyn:


And in Manhattan:


Somehow a warning against throwing paper in the toilet warrants a stylish wooden frame in these parts. Am I in some alternate 'I Love Country' universe or something? What are your theories?

Post-Christmas Wrap Up Get It

Why do some places WRAP the pictures hanging on their wall as Christmas decorations?


There's this shithole paella place on 9th Street in Brooklyn that does that.


Like, "Here, I got this for you. No I didn't. It's a decoration."


So festive, but not for you!


This place even did it to the picture frames in their bathroom.


But it wasn't the decorations, but this frame that got my attention:



Mofongo? What the fart is that?

Wiki sez: Mofongo is a popular Puerto Rican dish, made from fried green plantains seasoned with garlic, olive oil and pork cracklings, then mashed. Mofongo is usually served with a fried meat and a fish broth soup.

Sort of odd how they're advertising the crab mofongo when I'm about to make my own right there. Always thinking ahead!