An IM Convo With Vince

If you don't know what Blue Waffle is, then you definitely do not want to visit "Blue Waffle dot net." You really, really don't want to. I've warned you.

Cock.

I got a call last night around 7:30, and a man with a very thick Indian accent asked for "Scot Wild." Knowing what this was regarding, I answered, "Uh... I'm his friend." He proceeded to tell me that CVS was unable to develop the film that "Scot" had dropped off, and at first I thought it was because it was shots of porno or murder (both predicted by Mel Kreilein). Turns out they don't develop the weirdo Kodak Advantix film because it's too arcane for their equipment. He said I could take the film back tomorrow. Guess I'll have to figure out another place to drop the film off.

Stay tuned for the latest in this developing story. That was a terrible pun. But appropriate. Still, sorry. Fuck you.

Let's Disregard All the Safety Labels on the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Mel Kreilein, a Facebook update by Scott Peterson:


Apparently Scott Peterson was on the Mad Men site and created a new profile picture.


So, naturally we had to do this:

Let's Twist the Cap Off the EADJ Mail Sack and See If We've Won!

Submitted by Mel Kreilein via Facebook, a comic from Unnamed Organization:

Fresh Direct Friday: Moroccan Chicken With Herbed Couscous, or Well, Whaddaya Know, They Don't All Suck After All

I was really dreading doing a fifth punishing mouthful of steaming hot microwave food today. But duty calls and I psyched myself up for more Fresh Direct. Today I chose Moroccan Chicken With Herbed Couscous from Smart & Simple and kissed my wife goodbye.


Although there was a torrential downpour outside, the kitchen had only one other person in it. It was quiet in there. Too quiet. I was tempted to get the salmon just to piss off the workers nearby.


This time, the instructions called for FOUR minutes of cooking. Why the extra time? What difference could one lousy minute make in the grand scheme of things? Better safe than sorry, I guess. I also remembered that couscous would probably require a wee bit more preparation.



As it cooked in the microwave, I noticed something new– whatever was in there was actually starting to smell GOOD. What the hell.


A disturbing 'pop' came from the microwave. I peeked in to see that the seal had broken. Did this mean it wasn't being fully cooked anymore? Should I tape it back up?


So I took it up to my desk, peeled back the wrap, and whoa:

A few pokes with a fork showed that yes, it was real food and not one of those plastic props at the front of Chinese restaurants that look remarkably real. And yes, the chicken breast was smaller than a gallstone my friend Mel once passed and showed me, but it did look tasty. No, the chicken, pervert.

The chicken proved a little too tough for a plastic fork, so I had to break out a metal one.

All the disappointment of the previous four days dissipated with the first taste. There was a medley of snap peas, white raisins and asparagus that accompanied the moist (however tough) chicken. The couscous was cooked (not al dente) and benefited from tiny scallions, thinly-sliced almonds and spices. Slices of zucchini and carrots went well with the chicken, all drenched with a light soy sauce. In short, pretty damn good.

A few minutes later, I looked down and saw another first:

Yes, my friends, this was the best dish all week. Which isn't saying much when you think about it. But it was a solid, well-seasoned meal that I would buy again if I ever had to work late and the 24-hour Old Bridge Deli were somehow closed due to tax problems and it was raining too hard to go anywhere else. So there's a ringing endorsement.




Overall rating: F

Let's Spend All Our Money Trying To Pick Up the EADJ Mail Sack in the Arcade Claw Machine!

Submitted by Mel Kreilein, Governor Rod Blogojevich ain't got nuthin' on the National Rent-a-Car clerk in San Francisco.

Let's Recommend the Movie "Jumper" to the EADJ Mail Sack and Laugh When They Realize It's a Terrible Movie!

Submitted by Mel Kreilein:

"Eat a lighthouse, Joel!"



And also submitted by Mel:


"I’m not sure but I think I accidentally just came across John Carstens' twin."

An Oral Tradition Passes On To The Next Generation.

In Vegas, Mel Kreilein tells the others the legend of the infamous "El Cheapo Luncho" incident.

Awwwwww!

(pictured above, Mel and Jessica pay IM status homage to one another. It's like a digital hug!)

*** UPDATE: Mel has informed us that despite the big ol' lovefest, Jessica still can't spell "Kreilein" right.

Jay Leads the Las Vegas Men's Chorus.

A Gross Mystery, Part 3: At World's End

Mel in Denver writes:
"If you do a CSI enlargement of the nails in question, you will notice that one side of the nail is very jagged. Thus those nails were not clipped. They were bitten off. So no clipper was used."

"Find your biter and you'll find your mystery person," he added. Mel then took a pensive puff from his ivory pipe and sent his footman into the fog to fetch his carriage.

Let's Spread the EADJ Mail Sack Open With Our Fingers, Then Hock a Loogey Into It To Lubricate It!

(below, a submission by our Boulder correspondent Mel Kreilein: John Reid's mongo jar of muscle protein with a wristwatch, you know, for scale.)


Writes Mel:

"Von Steed and his Mass Tech

bwahahahahah.

He's gonna kill me."

Let's Not Tell the EADJ Mail Sack That We're Engaged, Then Try To Seduce Her and Then Jerk Off Into A Sink When She Rebuffs Our Advances!

(below, submitted by Boulder EADJ reporter Mel Kreilein, the hottest Halloween costume this side of the Mississippi)

Apologies Are In Order, Part 2

Eat A Dick Joel would like to apologize to Mel Kreilein, who had never seen Goatse until yesterday's post. We are sorry to be the first to have exposed you to that, Mel. Your eyes will never be the same, dude.

(pictured above, the exciting new cross-eyed dolls from the Fox program "Prison Break.")

Let's Tuck Our Genitals Between the Folds of the EADJ Mail Sack!

(below, a submission from Mel Kreilein: pictured right, a convincing doppelganger of a certain non-headline writing, trenchant copywriter who is well-traveled and loves a good pinot noir)

Hangin' Trough

Field reporters John Reid and Mel Kreilein spotted Joel eating an Italian,
dick-based feast last week. The menu:

Summer Antipasto
With marinated garden vegetables, cured ham and dick

Crostini
With olive, fennel, and also dick

Fresh Capricciosa Salad
With heart of palm, roma tomatoes, and “zucchini” (dick), balsamic vinegar dressing

Zuppa di Pasta e Faioli
E dick

Filet Mignon
Stuffed with provolone and gorgonzola cheeses, proscuitto and dick, served with dick-infused mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus with dick sauce, and a big, steaming bowl of fat dick

Tiramisu

(pictured above, Joel eating, then savoring, said dick. Photos by Mel Kreilein)