The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of November Edition

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Ciara was the only customer at Lex Luthor's western bar.

Wow, how did they find a 12 year old conspiracy theorist to draw the cover?

There's a lot going on here. But I'll allow it.

The amount of effort it took to take a screenshot, boy howdy.

Okay, this one completely confuses me. The album probably smells like Old Spice.

I'm disturbed, but I also want to burst out laughing. STUDENT WORK!

Ouch. Somebody is still reeling from that night at junior prom.

WORD CLOUDS ARE SO STREET.

Arby's has a pretty brutal ketchup dispenser nowadays.

A Reminder From Your H.R. Department: DO YOUR TIMESHEETS!

Hello. This is Adrian from H.R. If you're getting this email, that means you still have August timesheets to complete. Please have them done by end of day today. Thank you.

For those of you who have received this email twice today, that means you have both July and August timesheets to complete by end of day. I cannot stress how crucial it is that you complete these so we can get submissions to payroll. Those of you who have not completed June, July, AND August timesheets should have received three emails today, plus a written note from myself and our president Don Guffner on the importance of doing timesheets in a prompt and accurate manner. These written notes were hand-signed by Mr. Guffner himself.

To complete your time sheets, just open your Auto Timesheet software in your "Applications" bar. You have to quit out of any running applications to launch this. A dialogue box will ask for your employee number, social, and Auto Timesheet password. If you have not been issued an Auto Timesheet password yet, the default is "CUNTRAPISTS3." I have no control over this as the default password. Sorry.

Next, go to "File: Open" then click on the radio button that says "Start a new timesheet entry." Do not click on "OK," because that will take you back to the launcher. Instead, press control-T-space bar, and that should begin your timesheet entry. From there, you can search for the proper timecode by typing "search" in the upper left-hand search bar. If you type "search"in the lower left-hand search bar, it will delete all your previous entries and reset all your account passwords. If you do this by accident, your default password is "CUNTRAPISTS3." Like I said before, I apologize but cannot do anything to change this as your default password. It came with the system.

Repeat these steps for every job number you need to enter. If you have PTO, please go to "File: Alternate Entry," then click on "Paid Leave" where you can enter the dates of your paid time off. Do not click on "unpaid leave" by accident. I think you know what happens if you do. Yep. "CUNTRAPISTS3."

If you have any questions about timesheet entry between now and 5pm, please don't hesitate to call me, Adrian, or my office mate Hadrian. My extension is x35667, and Hadrian's is the same except with one digit off at the end. Good luck!

Adrian
Human Resources

UAG

It's the Off Brand T.P. Roundup!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Eat A Dick Joel, in partnership with ABC's Nightline, is proud to present this segment on lesser-known brands of toilet paper that we've found in bars, restaurants and massage parlors. Generic bathroom tissue has literally been sampled around the world for this exclusive entry, and we hope you can learn something from this special report.


Brand: Maverick 1 Ply (!) Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A horse rampant near a mountain range.
Brand Promise: Adventure and excitement of the great outdoors.
Brand Reality: The name "Maverick" promises a rough and rugged, relentless pounding between the legs as you ride into the sunset.


Brand: Classique
Brand Imagery: A "classy" typeface and some swash decorations.
Brand Promise: A touch of class.
Brand Reality: Possible pink spots from a chafed anus.


Brand: Reliance
Brand Imagery: Ornate floral pattern.
Brand Promise: Go-to reliability and comfort.
Brand Reality: 50/50 chance of getting poop on your manicure.


Brand: Kleenex (Exported to New Zealand) with "luxury embossing"
Brand Imagery: Kleenex logo and a butterfly.
Brand Promise: All the luxury and comfort that you've come to love from the American brand.
Brand Reality: We save the good stuff for the fatasses at home.


Brand: Candlewood Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A silhouetted tree on a green-to-mauve gradient.
Brand Promise: Aromatic, natural spa-level comfort.
Brand Reality: Feels like you're trying on a thong made from fiberglass insulation.


Brand: Captiva Plush 1-Ply Soft Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A bizarre tornado-looking thing with bubbles.
Brand Promise: A fascinating whirlwind of softness.
Brand Reality: A tasmanian devil clawing and screaming at your cornhole.


Brand: Everest
Brand Imagery: Mount Everest.
Brand Promise: A refreshing, cool adventure for the senses.
Brand Reality: Actually, a pretty good flag to mark your accomplishments.

A Late Smecial Dreams Entry

"So, I was dating Brian Urlacher... and he just had his neck/back surgery and we were making out in a pool. He said "Oh my neck hurts," and I say, "Oh poor baby," and we kind of made out. Then he started cheating on me, and never called me again. That blew."
-Jessica Foster

That Ain't Right.

(pictured above, something is seriously amiss about this activity book— click to enlarge)

Ripped Off Tagline o' the Month

(pictured above, some very possible litigation)