Hooray! Let's Say Goodbye To Everything Advertisers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Happy New Year from Eat A Dick Joel

May your 2025 be like your 2024 but with less scabies, family fights in the parking lot of a Perkins Restaurant, and fewer probation denials!

More Perks Offered to the AMC Stubs Rewards Members

The runaway popularity of AMC's Stubs rewards program is proof that going to the theatre is NOT dead! AMC continues to add new perks every week for current and new Stubs cardholders. Here are the latest:

• First dibs on pornographically-shaped promotional popcorn buckets

• A physical Stubs membership card that you can put in your *wallet* (people over 40 only)

• Permission to run a long hose from the fountain drink machine all the way to your mouth in Theatre 8

• Professional foot rubs by our custodial staff

• Our employees at the concession stand have been instructed NOT to talk about when their next break will be around you

• Our manager will explain to you why the video of Nicole Kidman talking about how great going to the movies is shows her alone in a theatre

Let's Say Goodbye To Stuff Ads Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

UAG

 

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Smoothie Carton Was Happy.

Smoothie Carton was happy.

Stormtrooper Sneaker was happy for him.

Building Coupling was puzzled.

Beer Cooler wept bitter tears.

ATM was feeling randy.

Truck Refrigerator was less than thrilled.

Doohickeys On A Truck Bed were silently appalled.

Oven Shelving enjoyed some cookies.

Park Bench Claptrap sat in the wet.

Ethernet Wall Plug frowned on it all.

A Special Cinco De Mayo Greeting From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Ron
To: Undisclosed-Recipient@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, December 15, 2009 1:24:05 AM
Subject: Fw: [Fwd: Fw: Obituary YOU MUST READ THIS!!!!!]





Find Out How You Can Start Making $6487 a Month At HOME

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.427 / Virus Database: 270.14.108/2565 - Release Date: 12/14/09 19:40:00

Okay... I appreciate the preachy FWD, Cement Bird. But your timing sucks on two counts: it's two weeks past Easter, and Osama Bin Laden just died, so are you sure you want to throw out an obituary so close to that news? Just sayin'.

Oh, also, you misspelled "Jerusalem."

A Thanksgiving Greeting From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.


Please note: forwarded message attached

From: Helen Safre
To: undisclosed recipients: ;
Subject: Jesus Laughing :) This is really good!
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:46:50 -0700 (PDT)
___________________________________________________________
Obama Urges Homeowners to Refinance
If you owe under $729k you probably qualify for Obama's Refi Program
SeeRefinanceRates.com





Thanks, Cement Bird! You have a good Thanksgiving, too!

Let's Make the EADJ Mail Sack Say "TUUUUUU!"

Submitted by Flicklicker, "Tuuuuuuuuu!!!!"



For those of you who don't know what "TUUUUUU!" is, watch this.

The Off Brand T.P. Roundup, A Big Number 2

EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to the overwhelming positive response that we've gotten regarding the previous Off Brand T.P. Roundup, Eat A Dick Joel and NBC's Dateline have teamed up to bring you another segment sampling and reviewing some lesser-known brands of toilet tissue that we've found around town.

And this time, West Coast EADJ Correspondent ANDREW GALL has volunteered to offer his take on each:


Envision

To me, this one translates as "Visualize a clean poop chute." Can do. Also, for some reason, I imagine birds are somehow involved.


Premium Bath Tissue

The quality is the polar opposite of the name. It’s like saying “top shelf malt liquor.” It’s going to be rough and some skin may come off. I see this one as being prevalent at truck stops.


Marcal

Very abstract. A European flavor, perhaps. This appears to say “high-end,” but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the exact opposite. It’s probably present in those bathrooms in Brooklyn with the framed menus on the toilets.


Tork Universal

Ugh. “Tork.” Really? How is that a good idea for a name in this context? I’m afraid of this one and shying away. I guess maybe “Universal” makes me feel better about using it if everyone else is.



Mont Royal

Depends. Is it pronounced “Royal” or “Roy-ale?” The answer will yield very different results, and potentially consequences. I’m guessing it’s Canadian. Which means it’s probably OK. This is the kind of toilet paper that people give to horses.

T.P. Roundup BONUS:
East Coast Correspondent TOM WEINGARD has agreed to review the following "Qualité," an off-brand wetnap! (Click video to play)