COME BACK KRISTINE

So I turned to Channel 2 News at 6 to watch my favorite anchors- Maurice DuBois (it means 'of wood') and Kristine Johnson- give me the straight poop on the goings on in New York/New Jersey. But I was shocked to see some blonde woman in a cheap party dress sitting there instead of Kristine. WHO IS THIS WOMAN, MAURICE, AND WHY IS SHE USING MY GOOD DISHES??!?!?!??!

"Alice Gainer?!" WHO THE SHIT IS THAT? Did you guys leave the camera on while letting the interns play anchor?

But then I remembered all the times on this blog that I made fun of Kristine Johnson. That must be why she quit. Yes, EADJ is solely responsible for Kristine Johnson's loss and Alice Gainer's gain.

I wish Kristine the best of luck in her secondary career path, posing for stock images:

Snack on a Dong, Joel

Joel recently took an interest in the athletic phenomenon "Parkour" or "free running," when he saw some young toughs running around in a parking deck. After talking to them for fifteen minutes and eating their dicks for ten, Joel donned a track suit and hung out with them for the day.

"Parkour is an art that helps you overcome any obstacle," Joel wrote in his diary, "It's using the space around you to create beauty and movement. Also, those guys' dicks are DELICIOUS! <333333"


It was with this je ne sais quois and joie de vivre that Joel threw himself (literally!) into this new art. Shortly after attempting to jump from a handicapped rail to a regular stairwell rail, he broke a shoulderblade, both wrists, four ribs, his coccyx, one kneecap and bruised his jaw.

"Buh ah least I can stih eat dick!" he said from inside his body cast.

(pictured above, Phil & Maura's noble attempt to prevent people from walking through their Planner Ghetto to the bathrooms)