This Week's Episode Summaries for CBS's FBI Shows

FBI

Season 4 Episode 8: "Sumdumgui"

Hampton wonders who borrowed his sidearm. Detective Galloway meets her landlady's husband, who turns out to be the mugger that she arrested yesterday. Sgt. Masterson tries on skinny jeans.

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FBI: International

Season 2 Episode 10: "Speedo Wars"

Interpol investigates Terrazas's chimpanzee massage business. Seymour learns how to roll a futo maki. Things go to shit in Brazil.

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FBI: Most Wanted

Season 3 Episode 2: "Get It On, Falun Gong"

A drug raid of American Girl Place comes up empty. Belinda and Darcy compare tits. A loose donkey at the station destroys four years' worth of evidence.

We Re-Caption Some Falun Gong Exercises

"WASSUP NEW YOOOOOORK?"

"I've got the baby, but where is that closet light?"

"C'mon and dry, roll-on. I'm late for work!"

"♪ My name is Alexander Hamilton ♪"

"Sorry. I don't care if you do know the DJ. I can't let you in without an ID."

"Who twisted me into this position? Some angry short guy, about this high."

But on a rare serious note, Falun Gong practitioners have been persecuted by the Communist Party in China, which sucks. Maybe read about it here.

And Lo And Behold: Racist Appliances!

A Few More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

If you're hard up for money and you live in the San Fernando Valley area, chances are you're gonna get into porn. So besides an 8x10 of your crotch, you'll need a catchy (however dumb) pornstar name. Here are a few terrible, unclaimed ones you can use:

HIM:

Freudian Slick

Haim Batman

Lou Hanging Fruit

Francis Scrote Key

Deepcok Choke-ya

Ernest Cummingway

HER:

Bridgit Spinner

Loose-ille Balls

Kass To Mouth

Taint Bernadette

Pyra Minx

Helvetica Bold

One, Two, Um, Buckle My, Um, Racist Appliances

Six Lies Told By The Falun Gong Brochure

Let me start by saying we are calling this brochure a liar, not the members of the Falun Gong movement. We at EADJ understand the political struggle that its practitioners experience in China, and this entry in no way condones their horrific treatment by the Chinese or Falun Gong's founder Li Hongzhi's controversial views on homosexuality. This is simply a stupid entry by a blog mainly devoted to the consuming of penis by my friend Joel. So, hold your outrage, both of you readers.

1) Forbearance wasn't originally one of Falun Gong's precepts; the original third one was "hoes."

2) Although heavily promoted as such, not every Falun Gong member will receive a Land's End crew neck sweater.

3) "No membership or initiation, no rituals or obligations." Other than BE YOURSELF and HAVE FUN!!!!!!

4) Falun Gong is a nonviolent, peaceful practice, although some members occasionally start fights at the beach with a "You want some a' this?" pose.

5) If you Google Image search "Asian woman" and "Penetrating the Two Extremes," you're not likely to see this photo.

6) This QR Code actually takes you to the Flash game QWOP. Which is awesome.

The Six Lies Told Type Foundry is proud to announce the "Six Lies Told" font, an illegible, shitty throwback to 90's grunge fonts. Use it on your NO FEAR bumper stickers, your Godsmack web ring logo on Geocities, or Rolling Stone print ads for Motorola pagers.

Some Episode Summaries For TV Shows I Don't Watch

The following are completely fabricated episode descriptions based on 100% guesstimation and the magic of the imagination:

2 Broke Girls

Season 3 Episode 4

"Guano"

Because of a shipping error, a kilogram of bat guano arrives at the diner instead of pancake mix. Kelly and Josie are given 2 hours by their boss to get rid the huge bag of guano. But how???!!

The Big Bang Theory

Season 6 Episode 12

"Redshirts"

Sheldon joins a trivia competition only to discover it's a sports trivia challenge. Mookie and Wilbur do their best to find enough money for some rare Spider-Man bookends. Sexy Marsha tries to get one of the boys to go lingerie shopping with her without them blowing a load in their corduroys.

Game of Thrones

Season 4 Episode 2

"Die Hachveit"

Westernos is confronted by Duke Illich and his horde of cavedwelling man-apes. Kurr claims victory by slaying the House of Dryllys, but not before betraying Cullwhën by proposing to her sister, the next in line for the whatever whatever read the diagram.

Homeland

Season 4 Episode 16

"Not Nearly Enough"

Tamara (Claire Danes) suspects that her husband Elliot knows that she suspects that he's not entirely truthful about going to the convenience store to "just get eggs," when she discovers they ALREADY HAVE EGGS IN THE REFRIGERATOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Person of Interest

Season 3 Episode 20

"1.56.322.6222.9.00"

Branford (James Caviezel) is given the key to a suspected terrorist's lovely brownstone building. Agent Wycke (Michael Emerson) pretends to want to talk him out of the mission but is secretly sent him to do his bidding. Senator Ellison (Taraji Henson) steps in to abort the mission, but is she too late?

Blacklist

Season 45 Episode 38

"Switcherooni"

The convicted felon genius Hargrove (James Spader) reveals he still wets the bed, which causes Detective Megan Boone (Megan Boone) to wonder if rumors that he is a federal agent in disguise are true... Meanwhile Duckie attempts to ask Andie to the prom since Blane hadn't asked her yet. Do you get the reference.

I don't know about you, but that bat guano episode looked pretty good.

Spotted In A Cheap Hotel In Europe (Don't Ask)

An Imperial Stormtrooper has no frickin' idea who he's messing with.

Let's Ask For More Meatballs To Go With Our EADJ Mail Sack But Complain When They Charge Us Extra For It!

This entry comes to us from Tom Weingard via IM:


This marks the first instance I've seen of a sports dong.


And I would imagine that a sports dong is stronger and lasts longer than your conventional weather dong.


But I think we're ignoring the real news here: Tom has the hots for Jenna Dewan.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Ten Inch Hero

What makes a sandwich authentic? Back in 2009, we explored (with help from Tom Weingard) what made for a suitable and an unsuitable Philly cheesesteak. Now when it comes to movies, there's a similar way to tell why identical ingredients can form an unsatisfying rip-off. This method is known as the EADJ Crappinema.


Today we review the movie "Ten Inch Hero" a story of three girls- Piper, Tish and Jen, and their trials and tribulations with love as they run a restaurant in a small town. If this sounds familiar, it's because it's exactly the plot summary to 1998's "Mystic Pizza." And writing-wise and acting-wise, "Ten Inch Hero" is pretty close in quality to "Mystic Pizza," only it's a sandwich served up 22 years too late.
















The following conversation is lifted verbatim from the film:



Piper: So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey is really good.





Zoe: Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.






Piper: Oh. Okay…Um, egg salad, then?




Zoe: Well, eggs are really chicken abortions. I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.

Priestly: Right on.



Jen: Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating the by-product of the hen's menstrual cycle.




Priestly: Well, that's certainly appetizing– a "hen period salad." That's lovely.






































The following line is verbatim from the film:

Piper: (after seeing Jen's date fuzzzy_22) That settles it. I have GOT to get my DSL hooked up.



























From Wikipedia:

Ten Inch Hero did not get a cinematic release in the US and was instead released direct to video. It was released February 10, 2009 in the United States exclusively by Blockbuster Video, and released May 6, 2009 on DVD in Australia.






Overall grade: F