Meanwhile, At the Gaslight Brewery & Restaurant...

"And here you go, folks– pardon my reach–  two triple chocolate brownies with French vanilla ice cream!"

"Yum!"

"Yes, this looks great, but he ordered this but I ordered the pineapple upside-down cheesecake."

"I wish you wouldn't do that, miss."

"Do what?"

"You're purposefully lying to confuse me."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Miss, you ordered the triple chocolate brownie with French vanilla ice cream right after your friend here ordered the triple chocolate brownie with French vanilla ice cream. I distinctly remember it because I wrote it down here on my pad!"

"But I didn't..."

"Honey, if the waitress wrote it down on her pad, then you must have said it. Mmm, this is delicious!"

"Yes. YOU ordered the triple chocolate brownie with French vanilla ice cream. You never ordered the pineapple upside-down cheesecake because I never wrote down 'pineapple upside-down cheesecake' on my pad."

"But... but... maybe you wrote it down wrong?"

"Here's your check. After you pay and give me a sizable tip, I want you folks to promptly leave. Good evening."

"Route 30:" A Crappinema Post-Mortem

"Route 30" claims a spot between "The Suburbans'" suckage and "Incident On a Dark Street's" horribleness. The only reason this "3-lame-stories-in-one-bad-movie" rose above the average Crappinema film was because of Dany Delany's terrific, non-horrible acting.

Click to enlarge:

Now Boarding

(pleasant tone over loudspeaker)

"Thank you for waiting. Flight 856 to Tampa will now begin preboarding. Sutra Airlines invites all First Class and Business Class passengers to board."

(ten minute wait)

"At this time, Flight 856 to Tampa welcomes all Platinum, Gold, Silver, Bronze, and Jade Club members to board."

(five minute wait)

"Thank you for waiting. Any passengers requiring assistance are welcome to board."

(six minute wait)

"At this time, anyone traveling with small children are welcome to board."

(fifteen minute wait)

"Thank you for waiting. Sutra Airlines now welcomes all 'Sutra Mileage Club' members to board."

(ten minute wait)

"Flight 856 now welcomes those passengers who have very large carry-on luggage but refuse to check the goddamn things in so you can save fifty bucks. You are welcome to shove those gigantic rollers into the overhead bins of other passengers, including the ones who haven't even boarded yet."

(four minute wait)

"At this time, Flight 856 welcomes the rest of you plebeians to board. Yeah, that includes you, the old man with the crate of chickens and the goat on a rope."

(six minute wait)

"David Estoye is now welcome to board."

EADJ ProofrEADJer, September Edition

And in addition to misspelling 2 movie titles, someone actually spelled "inglorious" correctly, which makes it double-wrong.

Hey Stupid

When offering a fleet of yachts available for rent for commercial shoots, music videos (bling!), and corporate events, it's probably a good idea to spend some time on naming the company instead of just slapping words together to form an unfortunate new word.

Just ask Gina:

Cap'n Brynn o' the Cursed Houndstooth Pearl

Yaaaarrrr! Ahoy, ye scurvy scallywags and lily-livered curs! Me ship be plunderin' and carryin' on the sweet trade on the high seas! Aye, a sword in the belly is a fair trade fer twenty doubloons and a bottle of rum, me hearties! With salt in yer eyes and the grog in yer belly, 'tis a merry course we chart upon the treacherous waters of Columbus Circle.

Why, me sea-farin' lassies and I set anchor at yon Coach Store with our newfound booty from a night o' pillagin' and pilates. Gangway! A fine turquoise Peyton handbag fer less than 600 pieces of eight blows wind in me topsails, ye mangy seadogs! And the new spring pattern for a Penelope Swingpack, aye, is a prize I've kept me telescope on since I first spotted her in the November Vanity Fair. Yarrrr!

Who Are We Advertising To?

In advertising, there are people whose job it is to define a target audience– to figure out exactly to whom one is selling. These people are called ACCOUNT PLANNERS. The good planners are often named Phil Flickinger, but there are others I've come across who do little more than throw together a perfunctory "mood board" with some glitter glue and shuffle around some important sounding words to pass off as work. This, of course, does not apply to my current job, where the planners are not doing that. Just want to clear that up to anyone who thinks that's the case. Because that would be stupid of me to do on a public blog. Ham sandwich.

Here are examples of some "demographics" that BAD planners invent to make it look like they did their job:

"Food Enthusiasts"- These go-get-'em achievers are successful, forward-thinking, and most of all, EAT FOOD! Whether it's breakfast in the morning, lunch around noon, or dinner in the evening, these "Food Enthusiasts" are always game for some "chow!" Some "F.E.'s" even enjoy eating in groups, which makes them very social! Ages 24-36. Income $20K-$789K

"Car Riders"- Ever meet someone who didn't like to walk 100 miles? Chances are they're "Car Riders," an emerging new demographic that really tends to stay inside an automobile when it's in motion. These upwardly mobile goal-oriented passengers are really gung-ho about being in a vehicle that's taking them somewhere! 50% male, 50% female. Income $2K-$3M

"Anti-Murderees"- Today's hectic society has created a new group who has proactively kept up with today's more dangerous times. This contemporary new social subdivision tends to REBEL against the idea of getting killed! Way to go, Anti-Murderees! You have taken a stand AGAINST being stabbed, shot, strangled, pushed out a window, crushed by boulders, shocked in the bathtub, poisoned by mercury, vaporized by atom bomb, and thrown to hungry Rottweilers! Keep up the good work! We salute you in your fight against becoming corpses! Income 4¢-$699 Trillion.

"Maracanalists" Young, hip, and ready to go at a moment's notice, this active group of fun-loving rebels buck the system and shoot for the stars by shoving the handle of Mexican maracas up their ass. Rejecting the traditional use of maracas as musical instruments or their buttholes as buttholes, they have "lifehacked" their environment to achieve their own ends, LITERALLY! Restricted to one guy on 163rd Street in the Bronx. Income, none.

(pictured above, a typical "Mood Board")