EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Round-Up

Brand: RightChoice (RC)

Brand Imagery: An explosion of midcentury green leaves

Brand Promise: You made the right choice.

Feels Like: You did not.

Brand: Elegant

Brand Imagery: White leaves against a serene blue sky

Brand Promise: A getaway into a relaxing sky

Feels Like: A miniature skater grinding along the rim of your butthole

Brand: Big Roll

Brand Imagery: Bold black type on a stark white background

Brand Promise: Plenty to wipe with

Feels Like: A lack of quality, not quantity

Brand: POM

Brand Imagery: A stylized O that looks like a whirlpool (or Sonic the Hedgehog?)

Brand Promise: The cushy comfort of a pom-pom

Feels Like: A high school football team made their entrance by tearing through your asshole

Brand: Cascades Pro Select

Brand Imagery: Sprinkles on a pink donut?

Brand Promise: A high quality trip to the bathroom stall

Feels Like: Accidentally sitting on a fireplace poker made of Brillo

Another Incomplete List of Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous Ariana Grande segments here.

You've probably noticed by now that Ariana Grande is cute. That's because everything Ariana Grande says, sings, does or bats her eyelashes at are to let you know that she is cute. But here we at EADJ would like to suggest that there a few things that are actually cuter than Ms. Grande.

• Ponies with ponytails

• Orphanage gas leaks

• The way old men stammer when outwitted

• Terrible balloon animals

• Jello shots that don't make it into your mouth

• Snails wearing bibs

• Yoda holding Baby Yoda

• Dynasty reruns on mute

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week of October 19

Jallo!

This is Kurtzmann at front desk! I say hello to all of you all every day! It become my turn to send out reminder that sheets of time be submit today before end of today. Please do so now so that I can let you out of building! I am kidding- I am not allowed to do that for real life. Happy face.

Here they are:

935888 - Status meeting re-rescheduling

525001 - Arguing that At The Drive In! is more influential than TV On The Radio

313208 - Demanding your donated plasma back

712204 - Convincing HR that whipping out your dick is a religious practice

533788 - Preparing your rhymes for tonight's battle cipher

891341 - Bonding with the mail room guys over hating geese

118270 - Making a stipple portrait of John Oliver by throwing pencils at the ceiling

424728 - Giving head to the Dominos guy because you forgot your wallet

661820 - Fishing your smartphone out of the toilet

484012 - Really turning this place around

920130 - Pleading with a bear

An Old Segment Featuring An Old Joke, Submitted by An Old Friend: The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Phil Flicklicker:

"Spotted some Curlz in Oakland:"