25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 18: "Santa's Boots"

I'm going to spoil the "surprise" for you: this is a gender swapped retelling of "Cinderella," with the dude being a department store Santa who charms the daughter of the department store owner but then disappears, leaving only his Santa boots for her to track him down! Sounds fun? No? It wasn't!

Romance Factor: 7 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 7 out of 10

Overall Rating: 7 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 00:58:20

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Sure, Lil' Wayne, if your last name is Carter, go ahead and associate yourself with a lackluster Disney movie. At least Jay-Z passed on this cover.

Hey, you missed three of the candles, Ya Boy. Trappy Birthday, anyway (I make it a point to avoid listening to any mixtapes that include the word "trap" in it).

Gucci Mane and Rocko wonder where the hell AAA is when they said they'd send someone over in 20 minutes. I mean, this is a dangerous neighborhood.

There's nothing Presidential about being afraid of dandelions.

A shrink ray has rendered five popular rappers unable to play a decent game of b-ball, so there's nothing left to do but sit glumly on the now-enormous basketballs and enjoy some fireworks.

1) If your girlfriend enters your number as 'BOYFRIEND' in her cell phone, she probably doesn't think that much of you.

2) Three guys' names on top of "MUSIC WE CAN FUCK TO" sounds like they're either ready for a gang bang or are speaking to each other. Knock yourselves out, fellas.

3) When the word "FUCK" is in the title of the mixtape, I'm pretty sure the Parental Advisory sticker is unnecessary. But people these days bring babies to a midnight movie, so who knows.

I'm Not Exactly Sure Why This Made Me Laugh

But it did.

A Milestone Of Sorts

Something I've Discovered About People

No matter where a fountain might be, whether it's in the dining area of a crappy deli, or in Trafalgar Square, or even in a display in a Lowe's Home Improvement Store, people will always want to throw their coins in it.


Always.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Winterize Your Car

To keep your vehicle in good working order this winter, get the right kind of oil change. The oil used should have the right viscosity, or thickness, for your vehicle at this time of year. Oil tends to thicken as it gets colder, and if it’s too thick it won’t do the best job of keeping your engine lubricated.

Speaking of thick, one time in Great Neck some guy had this really obese girl as a prom date and it ended up ruining my shocks. I'm not trying to be mean, but lose some weight, Missy!

An Untitled Photo.

Joel's On a Tear!

And just when you thought Joel's dick-eating adventures had plateaued.

While standing in line for the new 3G iPhone– which is really odd seeing how there aren't lines anymore– Joel took the opportunity to eat the dicks of all the Mac employees, customers, and camera crew members out on the plaza at the Santa Monica Open Air Bullshit Promenade. Joel's rapid-fire technique allowed him to eat six times as much dick as the Apple Store could sell iPhones. Melanie Griffith even marveled at Joel while striding in to buy a "pink iPhone."

Unfortunately, in his haste, Joel accidentally ate someone's iPhone. The poor Apple customer had no chance to retrieve the expensive item, for Joel had already chased it down with eight more ding dongs. The guy will have to wait till sometime tomorrow morning to retrieve his new iPhone and make calls with it.

(pictured above, hopefully a mostly-online realtor in Brooklyn)