EADJ Gift Idea

For really, really mean parents:

Question

 

What is "tobacco violence"?

EADJ Crapcade: A Crap Ad For A Crap Mobile Game

Whilst playing a crap mobile game (can't remember which one), I was interrupted by a crap ad for another crap mobile game. This one was exceptionally crappy.

As the demo was playing, I noticed something odd about some of the elements– apparently some of the layers were glitchy and/or missing. See "Layer 606.png" above.

Like, they created this crap ad and didn't even quality check it, which means the glitch still probably lives on the game itself, which means you'll see the same glitchy bullshit if you play it. If anything, this is an ad against downloading and playing the game.

No thanks, Family Island! I don't think I'll play now or ever. Good luck with your shitty renders and (probably) underpaid developers! 🖕

The EADJ Crapcade Review of the iPhone Game "Rapper Run"

I bet you're thinking, "Hey cool, a new EADJ segment!" No, actually this is a very old segment that hasn't been featured on this blog for almost 9 YEARS TO THE DATE.

Why such a long time? Who knows. But it's definitely not because there haven't been terrible videogames and apps in the last 9 years. Blame it on laziness and distraction.

And another thing- the game we're reviewing isn't even available anymore. It was a digital turd laid back in 2013. So how lazy is that?!

Rapper Run is (was) a game that capitalized on the never-ending running games like Subway Surf and Temple Run. 

But this time it's with crude, perfunctory animation and with RAPPERS!

See, you can choose your character, like not-Kanye West, because I guess the developers discovered you can't use real rappers' likenesses in games if you don't pay them.

So, pivot. You can choose all your favorite rapper characters to run, like Dr. Dre's son Curtis Young (?????!????) Yukmouth or @HipHopGamer. All your favorites.

But that's not all. You can also choose to be YouTube star "Francis"!

FUCK, WHY ISN'T THIS A CONSOLE GAME ALREADY?

And like rappers do, you're going to run along the median of a street and collect coins. Wait, is that rappers or Martin Lawrence? Wow, super old reference from another century.

Anyhoo, the other motivation to keep running is to run away from rapid fans, à la Beatles in "A Hard Day's Night". Ruuuun.

The gameplay from what I remember was choppy and basic. The sounds were just a hip hop beat and someone pretending to be Kanye yelling "Ungh!" The touch screens on gas pumps are more sophisticated than this asshole of a game. Good thing you can't download it anymore. 

Final grade: F

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Popularity of LEGO Videogames

"Ahh. good question... erg... Ah... LEGO are a favorite at my house... Ahh... shit... the videogames combine the joy of building with LEGO with... UGGGH!... the ability of videogames to explore new worlds... GAH... can't breathe... FUCK... The writing is also very humorous... ah... ahh... uh... and... um, people enjoy seeing familiar movies... Ah.... ah... or shows... reenacted in L... LE...LE..." *dies*

An Imaginned Conversationne

"Philippe."

"Donne."

"I mustte say, I don'tte appreciate you leaving your garbagge in frontte of my Olde Curiosity Shoppe."

"I don'tte know whatte you're talking aboutte."

"You keepe leaving your goddamnne sackes of old bagels and napkinnes in frontte of my doorway. It's cluttering my entrance and blockking the waye for my custommers."

"What custommers?! Noboddye ever visitts your dusty olde shittehole."

"Fuckke you. I gette plenty of custommers."

"Likke who? Walk-innes from people givving up fromme waiting for a table at my Bagel Shoppe?"

"Thatte is unfaire."

"Unfaire butte true."

"You know Philippe, you shouldn't be surprised if someone threwwe a burning rocking chairre through your frontte windowwe sometimme."

"Is that a threatte?"

"Thatte's a promisse, motherfuckkerre."

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of Jan 13

#MatildaBay

#GoofyisSexy

#pissedmyGivenchydress

#HobbitCum

#ShazzamingThatAmazingHerpesCommercial

#deathtoAmericanAirlines

#MerylStreepscooze

#ihavenothingoriginaltosay

#theWireDVDboxsetfitsinmyrectum

#successfulgasticbypasssurgerycelebratorypartyatSizzler

#화장실이 어디예요?

#KindleMaydaybuttonsuicide

#haggissmoothie

#RosaParksisaheroinahalfshell

#BigBangTheoryhilarity

A Nearby Deli With Meat

Look at this place. All dudes. Dudes serving dudes.


This place is a total...

Well, Shit.

How did I end up here?

The Second Best Photo I've Ever Taken

I snapped this photo on the NJ Transit train last night.
I've titled this "The 2 Kinds of Men."


Here is my previous favorite photo.

But just as a reminder, here is the GREATEST PHOTO I'VE EVER TAKEN:

Spotted At Target

Pictured above, cruelty to children.

Exciting Video Segment

My Mom & Dad clean the blinds at their house:

Fake!

Video games have come so far when it comes to the graphics, controls and sheer density of the fantastic worlds that their programmers have created. Players who are immersed in video games have the ability to be anyone or do anything. Still, however, some of today's games are pushing the limits of believability.

For example, here in Sims 3, you can become friends with an ex. Friggin' right.

Spotted On the iTunes Store

(click to enlarge)

Joel has his own iPod game, released yesterday!

Retail Hell: Sidewalk Sale

Good news! Now your child can simulate going outside while still being chained to your radiator!

Whew.

Larry K's bragging about having finished Bloxorz motivated me to push through Level 31. Thanks, Larry!

The EADJ Crapcade Presents Largo Winch, Commando SAR

Warning: The video game reviewed here sucked so much ass that a longer-than-normal review was required. Feel free to stop in the middle of reading and stretch your legs. Maybe get a smoke.

The video game is an oft-maligned medium. It simply doesn't get enough respect because of either its association with mouth-breathing dorks or by nuns labeling it "The Devil's Pastime." And you know what? Maybe it shouldn't get any respect, judging by Ubisoft's Largo Winch, Commando SAR for the Playstation 1. Maybe it needs to get taken out back behind the shed and smacked on its fat thighs with a wet Wiffleball bat. Maybe with games this awful being released, it should be considered "Lucifer's Scroat."

Largo Winch, Commando SAR is apparently the video game extension of a popular German TV franchise, "Largo Winch," which in turn is based on a BELGIAN comic book, which was based on a series of FRENCH novels. I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. "Largo Winch" is an action series about a jetsetting playboy millionaire businessman hellbent on avenging the murder of his father. So, think Bruce Wayne if he spent Euros and bathed weekly.

I tried to IMDb "Largo Winch" and it laughed at me. Then I looked it up on YouTube and had to close my office door, because the music from the clips made it sound like an episode of "The Red Shoe Diaries," which if you ask me would make for a much better video game.


So it was with great trepidation that I dove into the world of Largo Winch:


So imagine this thing translated from novel form to comic book to TV series to video game, crossing multiple languages and being released in a country that doesn't know about the franchise, and you'll start to get an idea of how awesome this game is. Here's one of the first cutscenes from the game. And, no, this is not that old Dire Straits music video:



One could argue that this video game was released for the Playstation 1 in 2002, so you can't expect the greatest of graphics. But 2002 was the year Grand Theft Auto: Vice City was released for the Playstation 2 and Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 came out for the Gameboy Advance and the Xbox. So your argument sucks, Largo lover. That was a burn.


Object of the Game: Save the Corporation by sneaking in and stopping the terrorist. Occasionally, you'll be confronted by boxy security guards or henchmen, who you're apparently supposed to sissy-slap into oblivion:

(Warning: Graphic Violence)



Gameplay: The response to controller input is amazing. Largo Winch responds to your movements almost a minute within you moving him! Also, I often confused the button for "jump" with the button for "attack" or "hit lightswitch" so I got this bit of jumping awesomeness in the heat of melee:



Difficulty: There's a certain training session where you have to sneak past workers in a factory. If they even so much as glance in the approximate direction of a particle of your shadow, game over! Yaaaaaaay!



So I would have to say that Largo Winch, Commando SAR is up there with Daikatana for the Nintendo 64 and ET for the Atari 2600. I had this game in my Playstation 3 for about a week and a half for this review, and now on occasion I can hear my console weeping in the middle of the night from the next room.

Overall Grade: 2/10

YAY! ACTION FIGURES!

(pictured above, the strange manufacturer's decision to give all "Heroes" action figures their own messenger bags)

Coming soon: The EADJ Crapcade!

EADJ is proud to announce the upcoming new segment, The Crapcade, cousin to the EADJ Crapinema. Here we'll review the shittiest games, systems, or controllers this side of Chinatown, including the Playstation 1 game pictured above, "Largo Winch: Commando SAR" which we recently picked up at Rite Aid for 9 bucks.

Watch this space for videogame shittery!

From This Month's New Yorker.