"Texas Rangers" and Its Place in Crappinema History

Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 2% rotten rating, but I can't say it was that bad.

Sure, it sucked monkey nuts and had some surprisingly boring shoot out scenes, and perhaps they overused the shit out of the traveling-montage-with-a-map-superimposed-technique, and maybe James Van Der Beek and Ashton Kutcher were boring and maybe it was all filmed on the cheap like some Hallmark Original Movie, but I'll tell you what-

It was never, ever as bad as "Jock of the Bushveldt."

Click to enlarge. "Texas Rangers" finds its place between "KAW!" and "Da Station."

Let's Discuss The Long-Term Effects Of Fracking On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by John Reid (& family!) via snail mail, a belated but precious Christmas ornament for this year's tree:

I believe this makes this entry the first literal mail sack entry.

UAG

It's Time To Expand The EADJ Crappinuum

At least I think that's what we call that thing. The EADJ Crappinema Recap Crapline? Whatever. Either way, we've reviewed so many movies on the original spectrum that it's gotten too crowded and impossible to add new entries. Solution: cut it in two places like a piece of broccoli and elongate, allowing more room for more terrible movies!


Yes, now we have plenty of room for the middle of the spectrum, but what if one of the upcoming movies we review is particularly "terrible" or "fucking piss-awful?" Well, my friend, we have allowed plenty of space at either endpoint, so there is still room to add more extremely bad or extremely, extremely bad movies to the chart.

"But does extending the line make the terrible movies more terrible or the fucking piss-awful more pissing fuck-awful?" you might ask. The answer is no, because the continuum has always been and still is a chart of relative values, and there are no actual measurable units assigned to the movies, and the distances between movies represent no particular quantity, either. What are you, a nerd?

Regardless, "Jock Of The Bushveld" still remains the most terrible movie imaginable.


But onto "Unbeatable Harold." Since it had the lazy wrap up resolution of "Playin' For The Kitty" and the non-comedic timing of "Da Station," I parked it right between those two films. You'll see it inhabits the lower end of the Crappinema spectrum, as it should. And to its director: montages are a spice; you should use them sparingly. Otherwise you end up with a mouthful of Mrs. Dash, and nobody wants that.

New York City. The Most Exciting City On Earth

Pictured below, some guy on the train tries to find the end of some thread on a spool.

We Meet Again, JOTB

So this morning I was downloading soundtracks from one of my favorite illegal websites, when I happened upon a title that still makes me cringe:



Both of you who follow EADJ on a regular basis might remember a movie with this title was reviewed in a 2009 Crappinema and has so far been considered the very worst movie of all the shitty movies we've reviewed.

But what's different here on this soundtrack is that it's an animated children's movie. And it's in 3-D!



The YouTube page for the trailer bills "Jock Of The Bushveld" as "South Africa's first 3-D Movie!" Wow! That's like Iceland's first bubble tea shop! Or Jamaica's first mortgage finance consulting firm! Where do I queue up?

Regardless of the fact that it's animated or has fancy depth, I'm going to assume this will be as excruciatingly boring as the live action movie I was subject to in 2009. A prospector befriends a dog. The dog dies. 120 min.

There is no way you can make that story last two hours and be enjoyable. And that includes throwing footage of Playboy Playmate Sara Jean Underwood eating penis-shaped popsicles in a cowgirl/cheerleader outfit made of cellophane. Besides, how appropriate for children would that be, really?

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: Incident On A Dark Street

"A small-time hood is murdered just as he is about to blow the whistle on an organized crime ring."

At first I was weighing the options between "Incident On A Dark Street's" mob crime drama vs. "A Tattered Web's" detective crime drama, but then I noticed WILLIAM SHATNER IN A 'STACHE. Holy fucking hell we are DOING THIS, people!


Stay tuned. Hopefully it won't take 4 months like "Jock of the Motherfucking Bushveldt."

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Jock Of the Bushveldt

Holy fucking shit. The things I do for this blog. I suffered through 90 of the most excruciatingly boring minutes of my life with the latest Crappinema offering, "Jock of the Bushveldt." The box says "In 1886, 20 year old Percy Fitzpatrick from Kapstad sets out for Delagoa Bay in Transvaal to dig for gold." But what it meant to say was "We are going to bore you so badly with footage of a dude playing with his dog for two hours that you'll start hating dogs and wish for the sweet release of death." Dude, this thing was SO PAINFUL to watch, it took me four months to even get through it to make this entry. Absolutely miserable.























































Here's a touching dog/man love sequence montage when Percy Fitzpatrick must leave Jock for some reason. Who gives a shit anymore?


To approximate my agony, just watch this clip 90 times.




After not much deliberation, I plotted "Jock of the Bushveldt" on the ol' EADJ Crappinema Continuum (patent pending). And sure enough, that bad boy was the very worst one of the ten (!) films that have been reviewed in this segment. It was relentlessly, brutally boring in a way that can only be described as "attention cancer."

Click to enlarge