This Year in Hip Hop Awfulness

It's easy to damage a car you don't own.

This resembles a game you play in Chrome when the internet is down.

Tron Light Sycle + Eevee + futuristic landcape = ????

I don't understand it but I like it.

You gotta feel bad for a manager who books a rapper for a show and the guy gets raptured.

My kitchen counter before I got a cutting board.

Not a very effective eye chart if you already know every one is Erick the Architect.

Not often you see a hip hop Mona Lisa reference.

A Texas / New York Merged State seems like it would have a huge population. Not sure which way it would vote, though.

This is confusing. A mixtape cover that looks like a photo of a CD? What am I listening to, then?

Good. Keeping shoes off of the bed, at least.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

When you forget the stylish scarf to go with that rakish fedora.

There's gotta be a template for this tired "blowing smoke" mixtape cover.

Hey Bodega, maybe you wouldn't need a giant down parka if you drove WITH THE WINDOW UP.

This is so different from other hip hop mixtape covers that I'm actually intrigued. Stet.

When your sister tends to fart a lot, you keep a fan handy.

You paid for that studio time. Better mix the shit out of that trap beat.

This is pretty neat. Other than the horrific kerning of the word "WHITE".

I wonder if gangsta newspapers have a crossword section.

Whoa! I guess they do.

Things You Can Expect A Guy With a Giraffe Guitar To Say To You

"I see you've noticed my giraffe guitar. Do you like music?"

"No, this wasn't made from a real giraffe. What am I, a monster?"

"When I play live, I'm on the elephant guitar, but I prefer to practice on this."

"Wanna go back to my place and share a grape juice box?"

"I wrote this song when I was really bored in line with my Mom at the bank."

"I'm headlining at Coachella next year."

"Please don't request 'Old McDonald Had A Farm.' I get that all the time."

"I really love the sharp, bright acoustic sound of the Fisher-Price, but when I want bassier, clean tones with more pickup configuration and a tremolo bridge with wild string-bending action, I can't go wrong with the VTech Zoo Jamz." 

"I wanted to finish playing this four-part arrangement for you, but I just went boom-boom in my pants."

Photos Of Children Playing Toy Instruments Paired With Quotes About The Blues

Let's Discuss The Long-Term Effects Of Fracking On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by John Reid (& family!) via snail mail, a belated but precious Christmas ornament for this year's tree:

I believe this makes this entry the first literal mail sack entry.

Some Words and Phrases That Have Yet To Find Their Way Into A Jason Mraz Song

• cunt
• botched surgery
• strangulation
• anabolic
• eye-popping flavor
• stirrups
• garrotting
• Obamacare
• seminal vesicles
• grassy knoll
• sideboob
• Søren Aabye Kierkegaard
• body doubles
• frottage
• the ability of the Afghans to self govern
• Mushmouth from Fat Albert
• grenadine
• "controlling one's woman"
• plugin folders
• Dustin Diamond doing the Dirty Sanchez
• eye boogers
• target demographics
• convenience store sushi
• Injuns
• getting paid and it's the weekend coming and it's time to forget about the bad times
• Dusty Baker
• queefs
• mustard gas
• losing one's boner
• "Two Broke Girls"
• pissing matches
• matching pisses
• bacterial infections
• the nonexistence of God in a technological society
• Wisk detergent
• booty claps
• Kim Jong Un's fascination with the NBA

Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar.

For about $50, Dan Smith will come to your house in New York and teach you guitar. Then after the hour is over, Dan Smith will wait until you ask him if he wants to join you for dinner. Then once dinner is over, Dan Smith will stare at you until you offer him some dessert and/or coffee. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after the last cup of coffee is poured, Dan Smith will stand with you on your balcony and wait for you to offer that he sleep on your futon for the night. Dan Smith will accept.

Then the next day, Dan Smith will have folded the sheets and blankets of the futon and will wait for you to awkwardly invite him to come to work with you. Dan Smith will accept.

Then at your job, Dan Smith will crowd in your cubicle (with his guitar) and watch you make sales calls and have lunch at your desk. You will offer half of your turkey club on a croissant to him. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after work, Dan Smith will put his guitar into the trunk of your car and ride with you to the gym, where he will watch you on the treadmill while he strums his guitar at another treadmill at a very slow speed setting. You will sweat. Dan Smith will not.

Then Dan Smith will get in the car with you after the gym, and before you have a chance to politely ask him to fuck off, he will have vanished into thin air, and you will suddenly realize that you know all the chords to "Black Magic Woman" by Santana.

See? That is how Dan Smith works.

Let's Smear Day-Old Guacamole All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

(Photo is unrelated)

 

This from Matt S:


I am in the middle of a drawn out battle with a furniture retailer in NJ, and have been given the runaround and been lied to while my son sleeps on the floor because they can't deliver furniture, their only job requirement.

In addition to contacting the BBB and (no one knows this, Fox 5 and Channel 7) I've just made a tumblr blog about this.

http://cribcitymakeskidssleeponthefloor.tumblr.com/

Can you push this to your readers? I'd love for it to start making traction!

----------------


Thanks, Matt.

We feel for your son because of this travesty of customer disservice, but as a blog that mainly covers terrible movies and dick jokes, I gotta say this might not be the right forum for this issue to air.

Still, in our 6 year history, we have never turned a blind eye to an infant's troubles. Okay, maybe that once. But still, we're with you, Matt, and we'll share that link with both of our blog readers.


http://cribcitymakeskidssleeponthefloor.tumblr.com/

 

Matt, hope this makes up for that time we pantsed you at Busch Gardens that summer.

Yum.

After yesterday's EADJ Song Hate entry, a few curious readers* asked us, "What is that delicious treat that Rob Thomas is enjoying in that photo?" We tried to contact his booking agent Grabow to ascertain the treat, but our calls were not returned.

*Not really


So using the Internet and our own cognitive reasoning, we present the 4 most likely candidates:

1) Nutella Sandwich


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Right color, square shape; brown all around the edges, just like a sandwich.
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Wrong size for a regular slice of bread; texture is too "Smooth" (sorry) for bread.


2) Fig Newton


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct color; generally right shape.
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Fig newtons are brown only on the ends; WAY too big to be a fig newton.


3) Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwich

Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct color?
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Wrong shape; too thin to be an ice cream sandwich; plus, it would have melted during the shoot because it looks like "a hot one" (sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry).


Pepperidge Farm® Milano Cookie


Why It Could Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Correct texture; brown filling goes all around; right size! Plus, in a recent interview with "Interview" Magazine, Rob Thomas professed his love for Milano cookies, dating all the way back to 1999, THE YEAR THIS VIDEO CAME OUT!
Why It Can't Be What Rob Thomas Is Enjoying: Shit, wrong shape.

The EADJ Crapcade Review of the iPhone Game "TouchBalls"

In an earlier post we had found a game on the iTunes Applications Store named "TouchBalls" and made a snarky comment about it. Well, curiosity got the better of us and we bought the two dollar game to see what the "buzz" was "all about." So here's the official Crapcade review.

Editor's Note: We were going to do a comparison review of TouchBalls with the traditional, manual counterpart, but unfortunately we ALREADY DID THAT before with April's Power Games review. We regret the lack of foresight, as this time the comparison would have actually made sense. Dammit.


TouchBalls is the brainchild of totally unknown and French-sounding game designer Bruno Genty. It was as if his French buddies had dared him to create a game based on the title alone. And in typical French joie de vivre, a certain je ne sais quoi, and even a bit of voiture de fromage, Bruno defiantly set about designing said game.



Setup: The game board looks incredibly complicated, but it's not. You've got a row of balls at the top of the screen and a little obstacle course below. And you have the choice to drop your ball on different point values, like 10. Or 10.


Gameplay: Think Connect Four meets Plinko meets not playing a fun game. You take turns with the computer dropping a ball one by one onto the game board and watch the ball land or move to another place to land. Then when all the balls have been dropped, you count the points you racked up. And the player with the highest points "wins."




"Touchballs" proved to be less fun than the iPhone calculator, the stock ticker, or even the notepad. Who knew that the title was going to be the most interesting part of the game? I'm sorry, Bruno, but your game was térrible.