Spotted on a wall in Millburn, NJ: a sculpture of a book with some fancy writing on it.
Which is all well and good, until you get to the attribution at the end.
What the shit, Millburn artist? You have no human poet friends? Lazy. 😡
Showing posts with label forensic science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forensic science. Show all posts
Monday, July 21, 2025
Wednesday, September 1, 2021
The Triumphant Return of CSI EADJ
After a 2 year hiatus, the forensic offices and labs at EADJ have been reopened for new investigations. Today with fresh equipment, new staff, and hot shit SUVs to drive around in, we tackle three new cases:
CASE C24862
Location: Midtown, NYC
CASE C24863
Location: South Orange, NJ
CASE C24864
Location: Subway, NYC
Friday, January 9, 2009
EADJ Science: The 3 Laws of Conveniencedynamics
Here at the EADJ Institute we are always striving to better society by publishing new findings in the field of science or dick eating. Recently we've uncovered a new scientific principle that helps describe one of the least understood forces in the universe: convenience.
The First Law of Conveniencedynamics
"Convenience can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change forms."
In any closed system, the total amount of convenience is the same. For example, in Fig. 1.1, the person NOT pushing the revolving door because her fat ass is too busy drinking a grande mochalatte is creating more work for the person behind her, who must push twice as hard. The added convenience of enjoying a rich chocolate iced coffee drink with whipped cream while going to work has made it less convenient for the next commuter. The First Law can be expressed thusly:
The Second Law of Conveniencedynamics
"The total entropy, or disorder, of any isolated convenience system tends to increase over time, approaching a maximum value."
This Second Law states that in any closed system of convenience, the total amount of disorder tends to increase over time. For example, a woman (Fig. 1.2) walking down a subway walkway while reading "He's Just Not That Into You" is creating more and more likelihood of people dodging her and walking around her, creating more of a pigfuck in the tunnel when you're just trying to get past. Its mathematical equivalent:
(You may also notice that the woman created so much disorder in the tunnel that a man steps in dogshit.)
The Third Law of Conveniencedynamics
"Convenience can never reach absolute zero."
Whether you're blocking a walkway AND access to an ATM (Fig. 1.3), blocking a thru-way at a salad bar(Fig. 1.4), or just being a turdbag in front of your friends (Fig. 1.5), the convenience you get from texting is never zero; you do get some sort of convenience– however minimal– from reading your buddy's message saying "HEY WUT U DOIN LOL?".
This Third Law has the simplest formula:
The First Law of Conveniencedynamics
"Convenience can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change forms."
In any closed system, the total amount of convenience is the same. For example, in Fig. 1.1, the person NOT pushing the revolving door because her fat ass is too busy drinking a grande mochalatte is creating more work for the person behind her, who must push twice as hard. The added convenience of enjoying a rich chocolate iced coffee drink with whipped cream while going to work has made it less convenient for the next commuter. The First Law can be expressed thusly:
The Second Law of Conveniencedynamics
"The total entropy, or disorder, of any isolated convenience system tends to increase over time, approaching a maximum value."
This Second Law states that in any closed system of convenience, the total amount of disorder tends to increase over time. For example, a woman (Fig. 1.2) walking down a subway walkway while reading "He's Just Not That Into You" is creating more and more likelihood of people dodging her and walking around her, creating more of a pigfuck in the tunnel when you're just trying to get past. Its mathematical equivalent:
(You may also notice that the woman created so much disorder in the tunnel that a man steps in dogshit.)The Third Law of Conveniencedynamics
"Convenience can never reach absolute zero."
Whether you're blocking a walkway AND access to an ATM (Fig. 1.3), blocking a thru-way at a salad bar(Fig. 1.4), or just being a turdbag in front of your friends (Fig. 1.5), the convenience you get from texting is never zero; you do get some sort of convenience– however minimal– from reading your buddy's message saying "HEY WUT U DOIN LOL?".
This Third Law has the simplest formula:
Monday, July 28, 2008
You Might Not Be Ready For This.
Just when we thought the matter had died down, and there was no more reason to ever report on it again, it happened: we came across a TALLER, YOUNGER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON.
Such a bombshell has rocked the scientific community, especially since the last spotting of the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was as long ago as October 26, 2007 by Emilies Sander and Kane. Journals everywhere are scrambling to publish the findings. Curiously, however, Scott himself is unimpressed:
(via email) "There is a slight resemblance, however he seems to lack my outgoing personality."
Personality aside, this new discovery opens a whole slew of new possibilities. Is Scott not the end but merely a link in the ongoing evolution of his species? Or could it perversely actually BE the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson who's moved to New York with weight-loss, shoe lifts, and a few chemical peels? Such a notion is possible considering the abrupt end of SFVOSP spottings in Chicago.
It should again be noted here that Vince has NEVER seen the SFVOSP.
Such a bombshell has rocked the scientific community, especially since the last spotting of the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was as long ago as October 26, 2007 by Emilies Sander and Kane. Journals everywhere are scrambling to publish the findings. Curiously, however, Scott himself is unimpressed:
(via email) "There is a slight resemblance, however he seems to lack my outgoing personality."
Personality aside, this new discovery opens a whole slew of new possibilities. Is Scott not the end but merely a link in the ongoing evolution of his species? Or could it perversely actually BE the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson who's moved to New York with weight-loss, shoe lifts, and a few chemical peels? Such a notion is possible considering the abrupt end of SFVOSP spottings in Chicago.
It should again be noted here that Vince has NEVER seen the SFVOSP.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Some Vicious Rumors About Joel That Must Be Quelled
• That he does not eat dick
• That this blog is all in good fun
• That Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarboro is in fact, a small person in a suit
• That Joel rushed Rod Stewart to the emergency room one night to get his stomach pumped
• That Joel rushed Richard Gere to the emergency room to get X-rays
• That most of Joel's earnings come from his African folk art store
• That Joel is not really Hispanic and his show "Mind of Joel" is extremely unfunny
• That Joel's famous "400 Techniques For Eating Dick" are actually 389 with 11 variations on #12
• That Joel is extremely angry with me for not lending him a really nice tray I got from Crate & Barrel because I knew he was going to use it to serve dick on
• That Joel eating the dick of a guy named Dick counts as 2
(pictured above, a recent shot from Pathmark, a bit we don't do anymore because the security guard woman threatened to kick me out if she saw me taking pictures in there again)
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