Let's Adjust The Sticky Balls Inside The EADJ Mail Sack!

This series of photos was submitted by Tom Weingard:

"We just returned from belgium, the land of edible dicks. I highly recommend it for Joel."

The Joel Angel Project Update

Just over a full month ago, we sent Joel a package of Criss Angel Mindfreak magic tricks for him to learn and perform on video for us. The other day we IM'd Joel to check on whether he's ready to show something or whether he's too busy scarfing down cock to perform a Criss Angel trick (which, when you think about it, are probably the same thing).


Here's proof that we mailed the package to Joel on 11/21/11:

A Letter From the Management at the Hotel California

Editor's Note: This entry was co-written by JOEL HIMSELF



Mr. Don Henley
629 Fast Lane, Apt. 2R
Hollywood, CA

Dear Mr. Henley:

It has come to my attention that your recent visit to The Hotel California and the incident that followed has been made public. As head manager of the Santa Barbara Hotel Group, which owns and runs The Hotel California, I feel it my duty to clarify what I believe has been a gross misunderstanding and to clear my hotel's name.

First of all, our hotel staff reported that you had clearly been drinking and were interrupting what was booked as a private function for our Platinum Club members. You yourself had described to our valet Barney that your "head was heavy" and your sight had grown "dim."

You claim that you were visiting one of our hotel guests, but our records do not indicate a single female guest. Many of the patrons in the Tomba Room did notice you enter from the corridor with a woman holding a candle (which is not permitted), but they had just assumed she had come from the mission next door, seeing as she was not wearing shoes (which is also not permitted). We at the hotel take no responsibility for your female friend and have been recently vindicated in the courts regarding the suspicious "room theft" of her Tiffany jewelry; Her credibility was decimated with the revelation that her own Mercedes was a stolen vehicle.

Our wait staff reported that you started dancing with our patrons and sweating all over them. This is completely unacceptable. And your claims that everyone was gathered for some type of Satanic beast-eating ritual is absurd. It was "Prime Rib" night. And contrary to your (drug-infused?) assertion, the beef roast was most certainly dead. If it did move at all, it was probably our server Debargo shifting the meat forward on the cutting board. He witnessed you pocketing four of our cutlery knives, by the way.

With regards to the "kidnapping" claim– that we held you here against your will– you simply thought you were trapped here. The truth is, our night man was trying to steer you away from an alarmed emergency fire exit. He distinctly remembered saying, "You can check out anytime you like through the front desk, but you can never leave from that door unless it's an emergency."

The point is that I cannot allow you to continue to sully the reputation of this luxury hotel and spa when you were clearly in the wrong. Please accept this coupon for a free visit to our spa for a colitas bath and body gel treatment as an offer to experience our hotel with a clearer head.

However, if you do continue to spread lies about our hotel, we will have no choice but to release the security footage of you defecating in the freight elevator.


Sincerely,

Louis Cypher
General Manager, Hotel California
Santa Barbara Hotel Group, Inc.

Finding His Center

You know those "balance trainers" for skaters and snowboarders, which are essentially wooden boards on a spool? Well, Joel got one of those to "strengthen his core" whilst eating dick. His Erotic Yoga classes at Curves were doing a pretty good job of toning his legs and chest, but Joel noticed that he needed more. But with his time-consuming hobby of dick-consuming, it was getting hard (ha) for Joel to really get a wholistic workout. So he found a suitable training board in the latest Lillian Vernon catalog and ordered one. His chimp servant Chad Yarborough is expecting the package later this afternoon.

EADJ will update you soon on Joel's review of the balancing ripoff board.

A Full List of People Who Have Actually Refused To Have Their Dick Eaten By Joel

• John Forsythe, actor

• Ben Kweller, musician

• Salman Rushdie, author

• Berry Gordy, founder of Motown

• ZP Theart, lead singer of fantastic legendary rock group DragonForce

• Ziggy, fictional comic character

• Jake Johannsen, comedian

• Madeleine Albright, former Secretary of State

• Bowzer, personality from the television program Sha Na Na

• Several members of The Geek Squad

• The Zodiac Killer

• Larry Page, co-founder of Google

That Jerky is NOT Jewish.

I opened some low-fat jerky yesterday and realized I was about to turn into Joel:

The Dickside Chats, Part Two (Entry #397)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, cocks, and general foofaraw on this eponymous blog. This is part two of a very enthralling, very penetrating series:

Joel: (continued from Friday)...the dominant paradigm ensures in its victory its own destruction. So, too, must EADJ evolve past just dicks in my mouth. As for what Dean Hacohen would say, I think it would be, "Are you gonna finish that?" And I'd say, "Yes Dean, I am. Stop asking."

Andrew: Good point. I am seeing paradigms continue to shift as well--with so many dicks constantly occupying the area in and around your mouth, I'm surprised you noticed. Kudos. Here's something else to chew on: there's something out there in cyberspace referred to as "eadj counter" looks mysterious and I don't speak that language. What do you make of it?

Joel: I think my chimp servant, Chad Yarborough, does that. He's a polyglot, if you include fortran as a third language. I don't know what the website is for. Hey, I just realized, you're both named Chad! Small world. You two should hang out. Hanging chads--is that too political? Let's keep this light. No more political questions.

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad models the latest Seattle and/or Ukrainian fashion)

Introducing: Foster's Law

Foster's Law: When Jessica is around a banana, the probability of a dick joke being made approaches one.

Unnecessary Rant No. 1

Natalie Merchant's mouth is music's gaping armpit with teeth.

Why would I say such a thing? Because whenever she opens her mouth to sing her soft pop/rock pap about eating for two or talking about the weather, I get a violent urge to strangle whatever baby I'm holding and smash the radio with my foot.

The accompanying music is pretty vanilla-beige khaki bad, but it's Merchant's voice which really sends any song of hers into the stratosphere (dong!) of horrificly unlistenable. The way she pronounces every vowel as if it were an "A:" The word "natural" is turned into "nataral," and "misinformation" is "masanfarmatian." Anfariatang.

I remember being fooled in the early eighties when I saw the cassette tapes with "10,000 MANIACS" in Camelot Music. "Cool!" I thought, "Maniacs are awesome. This music should be kickass!" Only to pop a tape in the boom box and hear the equivalent of musical Pepto Bismol placenta cockhorse oozing out of my speakers.

Natalie Merchant, if you are reading this, I despise your music and I've never liked your bouncy bob haircut. Give Joel a break and eat my dick yourself.

(pictured above, Dean bosses around Melissa Grein for the last fucking time)

Kitten: Saucer of Milk as Joel: Dick

Rosie O' Donnell on The View yesterday morning blasted EADJ for what she called its "crude humor."

Well, this blog isn't named "Brainsmile A Subtle Nuance Joel," is it, Rosie? Its raison d'être is to torment Joel by pointing out how many DICKS he EATS. Not exactly a forum for the droll musings of Oscar Wilde.

To further build on EADJ's brand equity, here are the lyrics to one of Joel's favorite songs, "Islands in the Dick," as sung by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton (and helpfully penned by JOHN REID):

Baby when I met you there was dick dick dick.
I set out to dick you with a fine tooth dick.
I was soft inside
there was dick dick goin' on.
You dick something to me that I can't explain.
Hold me closer and I eat more dick
Ev'ry beat of my dick
we got dick dick dick dick dick
Tender dick is blind
it requires dick dick eating
All this dick we eat needs no conversation.
We eat dick together, uh huh
eatin' dick with each other, uh huh

Islands in the dick that is what Joel eats
More dick in between
how can Joel be wrong.
Sail away with Joel to eat mo-ore dick

And we eat dick with Joel, uh huh
from one dick dick to another, uh huh

I can't dick dick dick dick dick dick dick, dick, dick.
Ev'rything is nothing if you dick dick dick
And you ate dick in the night slowly losin' sight of the real dick.
But than won't happen to Joel and he's got no doubt
Too deep in dick and Joel got no way out and the eating is dick
This could be the dick for the eat dick
no more will Joel cry.
Baby I will hurt you never. We eat dick as one in love forever.
We can ride it together, uh huh
eating dick with Joel Thomas, uh huh

Islands in the dick that is what Joel eats
More dick in between
how can Joel be wrong.
Sail away with Joel to eat mo-ore dick

And we eat dick with Joel, uh huh
from one dick dick to another, uh huh


(pictured above, a typo in a work order results in a farcical photo shoot)