Let's Put Grease in The Greaseless EADJ Mail Sack And Sue The Manufacturer When We Get Our Hands Burned!

Submitted by Andrew, via SMS:

"I don't understand why this exists"

Some Available But Terrible Names For A Journey Tribute Band

There's Departure. There's Arrival. There's Open Arms. There's both Don't Stop Believin' and DSB. There are so many tribute bands devoted to Journey that you will be hard pressed to find a song title or lyric that a tribute band hasn't claimed as their name for their gig at Molly McManus' at 10pm, $3 cover and CDs will be sold at the bar.

So what do you do if you've already formed a Journey tribute band but have no ideas for a band name? We got you. Let EADJ take over and give you a cleared list of flyer-ready monikers:

• Don't Stop Believ-ish

• Won't Stop Believin'

• Can't Stop Believin'

• Midnight Train Going Anywhere

• City Boy

• South Detroit

• Street Lights

• People, Whoaaa

• Tyler Perry's Steve Perry

• "Separate Ways, Worlds A-party" Band

• Hearts Broken In Two, Two, Two

• Eye O' The Tiger (not a Journey tribute band, actually. More for a Survivor tribute band from Ireland)

• Sort of Faithfully

• Wheel On The Stage

• AAAHHAAHHAHHHHOHHHHHHH

• Any Way You Watt It (led by someone with the last name Watt)

• Who's Crying Now That Steve Perry Has Been Replaced By That Filipino Guy

EADJ Catches Up WIth Kevin Federline

EADJ was lucky enough to land an impromptu and exclusive interview with former-Britney Spears backup dancer and husband Kevin Federline yesterday. Here is the transcript:

Kevin Federline: Hello, do you know what you want?

EADJ: Yes, I think I'll have the footlong meatball on flatbread.

Kevin Federline: Do you want that toasted?

EADJ: Sure.

Kevin Federline: What kind of cheese?

EADJ: What is there?

Kevin Federline: There's Swiss, American, provolone, and...

EADJ: Swiss.

Kevin Federline: And you said you wanted that toasted?

EADJ: Yes, please.

(Kevin places the sub on a tray into the speed convection oven)

Awkward silence

(The oven beeps, and Kevin Federline takes the sub on a tray out of the oven)

Kevin Federline: What ingredients do you want on it?

EADJ: Tomatoes, lettuce...

Kevin Federline: Onions?

EADJ: No, let me finish. Tomatoes, lettuce, peppers...

Kevin Federline: Green peppers?

EADJ: Japaleno peppers.

Kevin Federline: Do you want a drink with that?

EADJ: Yeah, gimme a large fountain drink.

Kevin Federline: For $5.99 you can get the combo with chips.

EADJ: Okay.

Kevin Federline: You can pick any of the chips in that rack- Sun Chips, Baked Lays... any of those.

EADJ: Okay.

(Kevin hits a few buttons on the register)

Kevin Federline: That'll be $6.70... out of $10... $3.30 is your change.

EADJ: Thanks.

A Couple of Ponderables

 This sign at a Panera Bread baffled me and ruined my meal.

"Built on our fresh baked bread every morning?" What was built on the fresh bread?

Does it say "Fresh baked bread, built on our every morning?" Or does it say "Built on our fresh bread, baked every morning?"

MOTHERFUCK WHAT IS THIS

This was a less puzzling headline on a free tote bag I got from a bookstore, advertising a book I'm pretty sure I'm never going to read. Sorry, S.J.

"Memories define us. So what if you lost yours every time you went to sleep?"

You could either read that second sentence as if it's posing a frightening possibility or as if you don't give a shit if you lost your memories every time you went to sleep.

"So what? Quit your bellyaching."

Hot N' Crusty

Spotted at Panera Bread, a brochure that features a baker offering you his bread.


Well, not just offering the bread. He's thrusting the bread at you, telling you to take it, yeah, just take all that bread, baby. Take it all in. Ungh. Ungh. Now cup the muffins. Both of them. Yeah, now eat the sourdough bread. Lick the tip. Put the whole thing in your mouth. Yeahhh. Ahhh, the loaf is rising... ahhh... ah.... almost there... I'm... I'm glazing! GAHHHHHH!


No, I don't want to cuddle.

Guaranteed To Stay Fresh For 150 Years

Pictured below, remind me not to eat anything from Jordan's Baking Company.

Sammies!

So this bodega on 44th Street sells these sandwiches with some interesting names.

At first, I thought they were named after award shows:



But then I realized they're just people's names. Cool.



And in case you were wondering...


YES.

A Fun Fact About Tom

Every month or so, Tom's aunt bakes and sends to him a molasses bread the size of Peter Dinklage, and Tom devours the entire thing.



To order your own Peter Dinklage-sized loaf of molasses bread, click here.

This is the New Stuff.

Scott Petersonian Math

In a related story, sources close to Todd Crisman and Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) have revealed a secret plot to fatten up Scott Peterson. More details of this story will be shared as they become available.