UAG

Smecial Dreams Entry

Coming Soon: The Fiverr Experiment

On Fiverr I came across this person who will WRITE FOR YOUR BLOG for a hundo. Sure, why not? Eat A Dick Joel needs some new blood for its stupidity. Plus, maybe she might be excited to write for a 12 year old blog full of butt jokes and poor Photoshop.

Stay tuned for the correspondence and lead-up to her EADJ entry.

Today We Wonder What Regrettable Tattoos The Riders In The NJ Transit Survey Photo Probably Have On Their Bodies

"Jesse" wanted something cool and futuristic, plus something to commemorate his days working as an audio editor at his local news station, so he got this semi-tribal reel-to-reel spool on his left leg, above the knee.

"Jess's" wild lifestyle back in 1999, plus her interest in "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace's" Darth Maul led her to get this aggressive design tattooed inside her lower lip.

"Angie" was dating a dentist at the time. He was a bodybuilder. She doesn't like talking about it.

Two guesses where "Trina" had these tattooed.

"Don With The Thumbs" got this interesting design on his back, only to find out later that this is a Russian criminal tattoo which was widespread in corrective labor institutions of the Urals.

"Simon Peter" doesn't regret getting this tattoo of a red-eyed bull doing curls on his chest, mainly because he is an idiot.

Introducing EADJ Premium!

After 8 years of blogging, Eat A Dick Joel is proud to announce EADJ Premium, a pay-for-content subscription service that gives you more of what you don't want at prices beyond your means!

Upgrade to EADJ Premium now, and for only $24.99 a month, you'll receive exclusive digital-only content like Racist Appliances That Weren't Really That Racist and Tianna: Where Is She Now? And upgrade even more to our EADJ Platinum Premium for an exclusive video tour of every single toilet we shat in for our "Which Can, Erickson?" segments.

Only EADJ Premium gives you exclusive, on demand, close captioned content that streams directly to your smart device from the cloud. Did that sentence make any sense? Fuck you.

So start your subscription to EADJ Premium today, and we'll throw in a permanent contributor status to our sister blog, High Maintenance Imaginary Girlfriend, which was last updated July 2009!

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of September 15

LEAST used hashtags. Least used.

#NFLheroes

#bangerzonvinyl

#hangingwithISIS

#dickcheneynipnips

#theoutfieldreuniontour

#walmartpowerwalking

#andersoncooperinathong

#DMXchildrensbookswhat

#sometimesimsoproudofmylabia

#spendingqualitytimewithkimjong

#icancumactualpancakebatterjustwatch

#ineverfoundjoanriversorrobinwilliamsthatfunny

#myhighschoolprincipaloncetoucheddickswithmeandwespooned

Coming Soon to Toys R Us: The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit!

The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit by Toomy Toy is a great new way for kids who are fans of the "CSI" crime investigation TV franchise to practice being surly forensic lab technicians while the cool kids go run outside with guns and badges!

What better way for computer geeks, science fair geeks, and overweight kids to imagine themselves all grown up and doing the "shit work" of matching DNA from a hooker's missing toe to spattered blood on a district attorney's office wall!

Relive episode 5.3 of "CSI: Miami" where a faceless and soulless lab assistant tells David Caruso that the fingerprints on the stolen gun does NOT match those found on the glass shards in that dead bison's backside!

Have your kids deliver insipid lines like:

"I've swabbed the interior of the suspect's van and found no incendiary residue!"

"The crime scene was contaminated by curious campers, so we'll never get a clear boot print!"

"As a forensic pathologist, I can say with certainty that a bear did not decapitate the mayor!"

"I've cross-referenced the sweat from this headband with the DNA of every member of the state legislature. And nothing!"

"This is a rare breed of caterpillar found only in the southwest region of Jakarta... What can I say? I love bugs!"




The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit will be on shelves early April, just in time for this year's Arbor Day!

Happy Labor Day!

To help with today's festivities, Joel has offered a few Labor Day party tips:

• When hanging Labor Day streamers and balloons, use a higher ladder than necessary so that you can keeping eating dick, also.

• Labor Day decorations like 'Happy Labor Day' banners and dioramas can be found at your local Labor Day Store at the strip mall, over by that place where I eat dick all the time.

• Eat dick

• Shouting "Happy Labor Day" while chowing down dick is often muffled. But people pretty much get the point of what you're saying.

• Some good ideas for Labor Day costumes: "Dick-eater." "Dick-diner." And that's pretty much all I can come up with.

• The annual Labor Day Parade on Main Street is a cherished tradition. Look for me on the float shaped like a dolphin.

• Dick punch is the equivalent of egg nog for Labor Day. No, I mean punch with dick in it, not punching somebody's dick. That's wasting food.

• Some people get depressed this time of year because they're alone. If you're one of these people, throw one of those empowering, defiant "Anti-Labor Day" parties at a local bar. That'll show everyone. Also, eat some dick to make you feel better.

• Eat dick

• Eat dick

• Leave any dick you don't eat for me. I mean, sharing is the true spirit of Columbus Day... I mean Labor Day. Whatever.

A severe reprimand.

The residents of the Park LaBrea gated community are not happy.

Over the past six months, there have been over 30 complaints about Joel to the board of directors and security office:

•12 noise complaints (almost all involve Joel rollerskating with a boom box and cranking "When I Get You Alone" by Thicke)

•8 lewd behavior reports of Joel eating dick in the gatehouse

•4 complaints of Joel misspelling the word "segue"

•83 reports of Joel's chimp servant disrupting senior activities in the Mood Lounge

•10 reports of Joel stretching in the Recreation Center wearing nothing but a mesh tank top, Birkenstocks and a thong.

•3 misinformed reports that Joel is actually black.

A "letter of concern" was sent to Joel's bungalow this morning, and the board of directors hope that this will resolve the many issues that surround Park LaBrea's least favorite resident.

(pictured above, a screenshot of the most underappreciated video game ever)