Aaron Rodgers Ad

I guess if you've torn your Achilles, you sit on your ass and make shoe advertisements and look sternly at the camera DARING people to criticize you.

 

Another Lemon Party With Old Men

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Okay.

Number one, I don't know why this pop-up appeared on my computer AT WORK, because I'm not surfing on any inappropriate websites or nothin. Not unless you count lemonparty.org or bluewaffle.net.

Number two, I'm no genitalia expert, but I'm pretty sure some of those aren't senior women.

Number three, WHAT THE FACK?!?!?!?!?!? AAAHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Happy Labor Day!

To help with today's festivities, Joel has offered a few Labor Day party tips:

• When hanging Labor Day streamers and balloons, use a higher ladder than necessary so that you can keeping eating dick, also.

• Labor Day decorations like 'Happy Labor Day' banners and dioramas can be found at your local Labor Day Store at the strip mall, over by that place where I eat dick all the time.

• Eat dick

• Shouting "Happy Labor Day" while chowing down dick is often muffled. But people pretty much get the point of what you're saying.

• Some good ideas for Labor Day costumes: "Dick-eater." "Dick-diner." And that's pretty much all I can come up with.

• The annual Labor Day Parade on Main Street is a cherished tradition. Look for me on the float shaped like a dolphin.

• Dick punch is the equivalent of egg nog for Labor Day. No, I mean punch with dick in it, not punching somebody's dick. That's wasting food.

• Some people get depressed this time of year because they're alone. If you're one of these people, throw one of those empowering, defiant "Anti-Labor Day" parties at a local bar. That'll show everyone. Also, eat some dick to make you feel better.

• Eat dick

• Eat dick

• Leave any dick you don't eat for me. I mean, sharing is the true spirit of Columbus Day... I mean Labor Day. Whatever.

Let's keep this Nikki Train going!

Joel's latest misadventure was a violent altercation involving a salad bar, two squirrels and screenwriter Aaron Sorkin.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that no one will ever want garbanzo beans at that salad bar again, the surviving squirrel fit nicely into the dollhouse, and Aaron Sorkin is very, very angry about his ceiling now.

(pictured above, a legendary photo from May: Nikki hangs with two randoms in Fado, one of whom keeps a cartoon graveyard in his mouth)